[Jo Jo]

I had to go all the way thorugh Girlies to find these (so some of you will have already seen these), but here they are....





I WILL SURVIVE - GLORIA GAYNOR'S FAMOUS SONG

MALE VERSION

First I was afraid I was petrified
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd assault me in your bed?
I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and I can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that your big knickers aren't made of liquorice lace
I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave
Only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you're half cut.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad,
God what made me want to court her?
With t*ts that look like Tesco bags I've just filled up with water
It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse than the al-co-hol-ics curse.
I WILL SURVIVE !

To which the girls reply.........

FEMALE VERSION

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly w***er that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in your crusty bed...
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I've fallen on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your F###ing ugly face...!
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking spirits and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you looked just like Richard Gere !

Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're an ugly p**ck
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at least he's got a lovely
flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm stuck with you, you tw*t.
It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going to have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me want to be a nun !
I WILL SURVIVE!!


The Glaswegian Rhapsody

(sung to Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody)

Is this the real life, is it the methadone? Stuck in the Gorbals,
two bob fur the telephone? Open yer wine an' talk wi' a whine like
meeeee... Am just a weeji, gie us yer Sunny D. Cos I'll chib yer
pal, rip yer Da; Slash yer dug, r1de yer Maw! Any way the Clyde
flows, Disnae really metter tae me... tae meeeee...

Haw Maw, just chibbed some bam, Buckie bottle tae the heid, Noo the
fuck1n' bastard's deid! Haw Maw, Um just oan parole, An noo I'm
headin back tae Barlineeeee... Haw Maw, ooh ooh-ooh ohh, Never meant
tae steal yer purse, But if I'm no fu' o' smack this time the
morra'. Kerry oot, kerry oot! An we'll go oot oan the batter!

Too late, the bailiff's here, Sends shivers doon ma spine, Gubbed 10
jellies just in time. Goodbye all ma muckers, I've got tae go, Got
tae go and rip some wank fae up the scheme. Haw Maw, ooh ohh-ooh ooh
I'm such a jakey bam, I sometimes think I've never been washed at
all...

I see a little silhouetto of a bam, Adidas! Adidas! Can ye get us a
kergo? Thunderbird, White Lightning, very very fright'ning to me !
Twenty Mayfair, (twenty mayfair) Twenty Mayfair, (twenty mayfair)
Twenty Mayfair and some skins, Magnifico oh oh oh oh! I'm just a fat
boy, nae body loves me, He's just a fat boy fae a fat family! Spare
us a pound fur a wee cup o tea? Get tae fuck, skanky slob, will ye
get a job? For fucksake, No! I will no' get a job! - Get a job! For
fucksake, I will no' get a job! - Get a job! For fucksake, Will you
get a job! - Get a job! Will no' get a job, get a job! Will no' get
a job, get a job! No, no, no, no, no, no... Oh gonorrhoea!
gonorrhoea! Gonorrhoea and the clap! Then doon the pub, has the
barman put aside for me? For me, for me, for meeeee!?

So you 'hink you can slash me and pish in my eye? So ye 'hink ye can
chib me an' leave me to die? Haw bawbag, can't dae this tae me
bawbag! Just wait till I'm oot, wait till I'm right oot ma nut! Fuck
all really matters; any one can see, Fcuk all really matters, fuck
all really matters tae me!