the official jokes thread

gord · 9th June 2004, 09:09 PM

Old Jock is on his death bed, with only a few days to live, when his pal Boaby visits him.
"Oh Jock, is there anything I can do for you? I'll get you a glass of whisky, I'll bring the telly through... anything you need."
"Well" Jock replies. "You couldn't bring me my slippers, could you?"
"Aw no problem" Boaby replies. He sets off upstairs to old Jocks bedroom. Entering the bedroom he sees Jocks two daughters lying around wearing very little.
"What the hell are you doing?" Boaby asks.
"Never mind that" one of the girls replies. "What are you doing up here?"

Boaby thinks for a second, before a smile creeps onto his face.
"Well" he says. "Your father said it was his dying wish for me to have sex with both of you, right now"
The girls look horrified. "Fuck off, he never said that" One says.
"Oh yes he did" says Boaby. "And I'll prove it to you".

So Boaby sticks his head out the door and shouts down the stairs "Haw Jock, was it both of them?"

Laura* · 9th June 2004, 09:21 PM

What a sad attempt at getting more posts on your forum.

P.s. That joke was actually rather good. Surprising for you Gord.

gord · 9th June 2004, 09:22 PM

A journalist is interviewing the notorious Abu Hamza, when he asks him about his hook. Hamza explains that he got his hand blown off in a minefield many years ago. "God, that must have hurt" says the reporter. "And how did you lose your eye?"
"Oh, that was a piece of dirt, got stuck in my eye"
"How did a piece of dirt make you lose your eye?" The reporter asks.
Hamza replies "It was my first day with the hook"

thomasjmaccoll · 9th June 2004, 09:25 PM

why do girls wear make-up and perfume?

because they're ugly and they smell.

my personal favourite.

gord · 9th June 2004, 09:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by strangest_angel

What a sad attempt and getting more posts on your forum.

P.s. That joke was actually rather good. Surprising for you Gord.

I just thought that everytime I have a new joke to share, I'd post it here. A catalogue of bad jokes, if you will.

Heres another:

At the 60th anniversary of D-Day, two veterans are limping towards each other, both dragging one leg on the ground. As they pass each other, the first veteran points to his leg and says "Normandy, 1944". The other veteran points down to his own leg and says "dog shit, about 20 minutes ago"

10th June 2004, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thomasjmaccoll

why do girls wear make-up and perfume?

because they're ugly and they smell.

my personal favourite.

Afraid to tell you thats the worst joke I've heard!!

thomasjmaccoll · 10th June 2004, 05:25 PM

hehe.

oh well.

gabrillowise · 11th June 2004, 04:18 PM

On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.

This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"
"Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it."

The guy, who was also pretty pissed, thought to himself, Hey, why not?' So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and lands splat on the pavement.

The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

Afro Joe · 11th June 2004, 04:24 PM

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says "i'm sorry sir, i have two lots of bad news for you. i'm afraid you have both cancer and alzheimers disease."
the guy then says "ah well, at least i don't have cancer"

sorry, that ones not very good.

12th June 2004, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thomasjmaccoll

hehe.

oh well.

Actualy I just read over it again, its not the WORST joke I've heard...but you must admit it kinda sounds like a 8year old has made it up...?...

thomasjmaccoll · 12th June 2004, 09:30 AM

yeah, that's the point. it makes no pretence at being educated or intelligent, it's just a basic joke, and a very immature one at that

12th June 2004, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thomasjmaccoll

yeah, that's the point. it makes no pretence at being educated or intelligent, it's just a basic joke, and a very immature one at that

hehe! Awh well! It fun to be immature once in a while :-P (this may apply more than 'once in a while' to alot of people!)

gord · 23rd June 2004, 10:21 PM

Bill Clinton has had a historic meeting with the pope, and afterwards he comes out to speak to the press.
"Yes, it was a highly successful meeting, we agreed on 80% of the subject matter"
The crowd cheered.

Minutes later the pope came out and said that it was a terrible meeting, and he was very disappointed.

"Why is that?" asked one reporter. "Clinton said you agreed on 80% of the subject matter"

"Yes" sighed the pope. "But we were talking about the ten commandments"

9th June 2004, 09:09 PM	#1 (permalink)
gord of the rings Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Dundee Posts: 2,728	the official jokes thread Old Jock is on his death bed, with only a few days to live, when his pal Boaby visits him. "Oh Jock, is there anything I can do for you? I'll get you a glass of whisky, I'll bring the telly through... anything you need." "Well" Jock replies. "You couldn't bring me my slippers, could you?" "Aw no problem" Boaby replies. He sets off upstairs to old Jocks bedroom. Entering the bedroom he sees Jocks two daughters lying around wearing very little. "What the hell are you doing?" Boaby asks. "Never mind that" one of the girls replies. "What are you doing up here?" Boaby thinks for a second, before a smile creeps onto his face. "Well" he says. "Your father said it was his dying wish for me to have sex with both of you, right now" The girls look horrified. "Fuck off, he never said that" One says. "Oh yes he did" says Boaby. "And I'll prove it to you". So Boaby sticks his head out the door and shouts down the stairs "Haw Jock, was it both of them?"

9th June 2004, 09:21 PM	#2 (permalink)
Laura* dancetotheradio Join Date: May 2003 Location: Dundee. Posts: 4,313	What a sad attempt at getting more posts on your forum. P.s. That joke was actually rather good. Surprising for you Gord. Last edited by strangest_angel : 10th June 2004 at 05:34 PM.

11th June 2004, 04:24 PM	#9 (permalink)
Afro Joe Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Glasgow Posts: 7,298	^lol good one A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says "i'm sorry sir, i have two lots of bad news for you. i'm afraid you have both cancer and alzheimers disease." the guy then says "ah well, at least i don't have cancer" sorry, that ones not very good.

9th June 2004, 09:22 PM	#3 (permalink)
gord of the rings Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Dundee Posts: 2,728	A journalist is interviewing the notorious Abu Hamza, when he asks him about his hook. Hamza explains that he got his hand blown off in a minefield many years ago. "God, that must have hurt" says the reporter. "And how did you lose your eye?" "Oh, that was a piece of dirt, got stuck in my eye" "How did a piece of dirt make you lose your eye?" The reporter asks. Hamza replies "It was my first day with the hook"

9th June 2004, 09:25 PM	#4 (permalink)
thomasjmaccoll Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: 47 millbank, cupar, fife Posts: 1,109	why do girls wear make-up and perfume? because they're ugly and they smell. my personal favourite.

10th June 2004, 05:25 PM	#7 (permalink)
thomasjmaccoll Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: 47 millbank, cupar, fife Posts: 1,109	hehe. oh well.

11th June 2004, 04:18 PM	#8 (permalink)
gabrillowise Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: the forest haven Posts: 2,059	On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" "Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it." The guy, who was also pretty pissed, thought to himself, Hey, why not?' So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and lands splat on the pavement. The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

12th June 2004, 09:30 AM	#11 (permalink)
thomasjmaccoll Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: 47 millbank, cupar, fife Posts: 1,109	yeah, that's the point. it makes no pretence at being educated or intelligent, it's just a basic joke, and a very immature one at that

23rd June 2004, 10:21 PM	#13 (permalink)
gord of the rings Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Dundee Posts: 2,728	Bill Clinton has had a historic meeting with the pope, and afterwards he comes out to speak to the press. "Yes, it was a highly successful meeting, we agreed on 80% of the subject matter" The crowd cheered. Minutes later the pope came out and said that it was a terrible meeting, and he was very disappointed. "Why is that?" asked one reporter. "Clinton said you agreed on 80% of the subject matter" "Yes" sighed the pope. "But we were talking about the ten commandments"

23rd June 2004, 10:22 PM	#14 (permalink)
gord of the rings Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Dundee Posts: 2,728