jokes - Page 10

*Lyndsey* · 3rd May 2005, 09:07 PM

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

Niall · 3rd May 2005, 09:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by confessions

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

why do they have to be chinese?

*Lyndsey* · 3rd May 2005, 09:11 PM

An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

*Lyndsey* · 3rd May 2005, 09:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Niall

why do they have to be chinese?

duno man, american joke, think the guy had to be foreign to get the whole mistake point over

Niall · 3rd May 2005, 09:16 PM

THESE LOOKS SUPRISINGLY SIMILAR TO CONFESSIONS JOKES LOLZZZZZ!!!!!!

*Lyndsey* · 3rd May 2005, 09:48 PM

GEEEE THATS COZ THEY ARE AND WHOOO PEOPLE ALWAYS GET JOKES FROM ONE SITE AND PUT THEM ON ANOTHER ZANY RANDOMNESSSS WHOOOOO =_=

Going Gone · 3rd May 2005, 10:00 PM

Heh, It's ashame the jokes you picked were shit though

Filthy Ritch · 3rd May 2005, 10:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by confessions

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

totally nicked from the league of gentlemen!

*Lyndsey* · 3rd May 2005, 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Filthy Ritch

totally nicked from the league of gentlemen!

totally

maz · 4th May 2005, 09:05 AM

Man walks into a brain shop...
goes up to the shop keeper and asks what the best brains he has are.
The shop keeper shows him 3 brains. One is Albert einstein's, one is of someone a little dumber and one is a blondes.
£100 for einstein's
£50 for the other guy's
and £1000 for the blondes.
The customer is shocked, "how can a blondes brain cost so much!"
"It's never been used sir."

maz · 4th May 2005, 09:07 AM

hmm that totally aint funny.

Niall · 4th May 2005, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maz

hmm that totally aint funny.

yeh, realised that.

Niall · 4th May 2005, 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by confessions

PEOPLE ALWAYS GET JOKES FROM ONE SITE AND PUT THEM ON ANOTHER

well, u do at least.

4273stuart · 4th May 2005, 08:54 PM

The difference between men and women in one paragraph: A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

A man came home from the Social Security Office. "Honey," he said to his wife, "I finally convinced them that I'm old enough to collect Social Security." How?" his wife asked. "Since the department of records in the small town you were born in was flooded, you can't get a copy of your birth certificate." "I know," the man replied, "I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them that I'm old enough." His wife retorted, "Then while you were at it, why didn't you whip out your dick and get disability, too?!"

TNF · 4th May 2005, 09:33 PM

possibly old/not funny:

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

3rd May 2005, 09:07 PM	#136 (permalink)
Lyndsey Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Sundee Posts: 5,284	Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed. The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!” The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

3rd May 2005, 09:11 PM	#138 (permalink)
Lyndsey Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Sundee Posts: 5,284	An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

3rd May 2005, 09:16 PM	#140 (permalink)
Niall Cool Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Dundee Posts: 1,016	THESE LOOKS SUPRISINGLY SIMILAR TO CONFESSIONS JOKES LOLZZZZZ!!!!!!

3rd May 2005, 09:48 PM	#141 (permalink)
Lyndsey Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Sundee Posts: 5,284	GEEEE THATS COZ THEY ARE AND WHOOO PEOPLE ALWAYS GET JOKES FROM ONE SITE AND PUT THEM ON ANOTHER ZANY RANDOMNESSSS WHOOOOO =_=

3rd May 2005, 10:00 PM	#142 (permalink)
Going Gone Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 2,410	Heh, It's ashame the jokes you picked were shit though

4th May 2005, 09:05 AM	#145 (permalink)
maz Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Scotland, Dundee Posts: 1,104	Man walks into a brain shop... goes up to the shop keeper and asks what the best brains he has are. The shop keeper shows him 3 brains. One is Albert einstein's, one is of someone a little dumber and one is a blondes. £100 for einstein's £50 for the other guy's and £1000 for the blondes. The customer is shocked, "how can a blondes brain cost so much!" "It's never been used sir."

4th May 2005, 09:07 AM	#146 (permalink)
maz Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Scotland, Dundee Posts: 1,104	hmm that totally aint funny.

4th May 2005, 08:54 PM	#149 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	The difference between men and women in one paragraph: A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. A man came home from the Social Security Office. "Honey," he said to his wife, "I finally convinced them that I'm old enough to collect Social Security." How?" his wife asked. "Since the department of records in the small town you were born in was flooded, you can't get a copy of your birth certificate." "I know," the man replied, "I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them that I'm old enough." His wife retorted, "Then while you were at it, why didn't you whip out your dick and get disability, too?!"

4th May 2005, 09:33 PM	#150 (permalink)
TNF Schmako as funk! Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Bilston Posts: 1,139 Band: High School Anal	possibly old/not funny: There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."