jokes - Page 11

Going Gone · 4th May 2005, 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TNF

possibly old/not funny:

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Haha class.

4273stuart · 5th May 2005, 08:28 PM

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

TNF · 5th May 2005, 08:46 PM

Got a nasty one here:
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

evilheartedyou · 5th May 2005, 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Niall

why do they have to be chinese?

oh I dunno, it's quite accurate with how they're speaking to each other

Going Gone · 6th May 2005, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TNF

Got a nasty one here:
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Love it

4273stuart · 6th May 2005, 05:11 PM

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch, or I'll give you a slap." Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

4273stuart · 9th May 2005, 12:18 PM

One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out. The ant asked, "What do I get in return?" The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you." So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?". The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?" The ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head. "Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all bitch."

evilheartedyou · 9th May 2005, 01:48 PM

heh is it bad that I tell my wee sister these?

Going Gone · 9th May 2005, 02:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by evilheartedyou

heh is it bad that I tell my wee sister these?

Not really

4273stuart · 9th May 2005, 02:47 PM

This one i like as its fun to tell people

One day in school, the teacher wanted her kids to go through the alphabet and give a word that started with each letter. She started with 'A'. Dirty Ernie was waving his arm higher than all the other kids. She didn't want to call on him, because he was a pervert and always said bad things. She called on Betty instead. Betty stood up and said "Apple". "Very good, Betty! Next is the letter 'B' ." Again, Ernie was waving his arm as high as he could, but she picked Andy instead. "Butterfly." "Excellent, Andy! How about 'C' ." Ernie was almost having a seizure he was waving so hard. The teacher picked Billy, still afraid of what Ernie would say. "Caterpillar." "Great job, Billy!" She continued going through the alphabet, never calling on Ernie. When she got to 'R', Ernie was the only child waving his arm. She thought to herself and couldn't think of anything too bad that started with 'R' so she said, "OK Ernie, give me a word that starts with 'R' ." Ernie stood up straight, smiled and yelled, "RATS!!!! BIG FUCKING RATS WITH COCKS THIS FUCKING LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

xglitter-me-upx · 9th May 2005, 03:02 PM

The Reverend John Flapps is the pastor of a small town. One day he notices a young lady from his congregration sitting in a pub, drinking beer and getting steadily sloshed.
"Excuse me, Mrs Fitzgerald," the Reverend says sternly, "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she slurs.
Mrs Fitzgerald put her glass on the table and stands up, but begins to weave drunkenly back and forth. As the Reverend grabs her arms to steady her, they both end up tumbling to the floor.
The reverend falls on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
"Oi, mate," the landlord says looking over. "We won't have any of that sort of carry on in this establishment!"
The Reverend looks up at the landlord and declares, "But you don't understand! I'm Pastor Flapps."
"Well," the landlord says, nodding, "if you're that far in you might as well finish."

Yes, I read trashy womens mags.

azpazzagus · 9th May 2005, 03:08 PM

did we not already have that one?

xglitter-me-upx · 9th May 2005, 03:09 PM

I dunno.

I was too lazy to check.

5th May 2005, 08:28 PM	#152 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

5th May 2005, 08:46 PM	#153 (permalink)
TNF Schmako as funk! Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Bilston Posts: 1,139 Band: High School Anal	Got a nasty one here: This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

6th May 2005, 05:11 PM	#156 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch, or I'll give you a slap." Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

9th May 2005, 12:18 PM	#157 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out. The ant asked, "What do I get in return?" The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you." So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?". The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?" The ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head. "Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all bitch."

9th May 2005, 01:48 PM	#158 (permalink)
evilheartedyou Uh oh! Spaghettio! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: glasglayglo Posts: 1,187	heh is it bad that I tell my wee sister these?

9th May 2005, 02:47 PM	#160 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	This one i like as its fun to tell people One day in school, the teacher wanted her kids to go through the alphabet and give a word that started with each letter. She started with 'A'. Dirty Ernie was waving his arm higher than all the other kids. She didn't want to call on him, because he was a pervert and always said bad things. She called on Betty instead. Betty stood up and said "Apple". "Very good, Betty! Next is the letter 'B' ." Again, Ernie was waving his arm as high as he could, but she picked Andy instead. "Butterfly." "Excellent, Andy! How about 'C' ." Ernie was almost having a seizure he was waving so hard. The teacher picked Billy, still afraid of what Ernie would say. "Caterpillar." "Great job, Billy!" She continued going through the alphabet, never calling on Ernie. When she got to 'R', Ernie was the only child waving his arm. She thought to herself and couldn't think of anything too bad that started with 'R' so she said, "OK Ernie, give me a word that starts with 'R' ." Ernie stood up straight, smiled and yelled, "RATS!!!! BIG FUCKING RATS WITH COCKS THIS FUCKING LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

9th May 2005, 03:02 PM	#161 (permalink)
xglitter-me-upx [discothèque] Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Dundee Posts: 1,383	The Reverend John Flapps is the pastor of a small town. One day he notices a young lady from his congregration sitting in a pub, drinking beer and getting steadily sloshed. "Excuse me, Mrs Fitzgerald," the Reverend says sternly, "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure," she slurs. Mrs Fitzgerald put her glass on the table and stands up, but begins to weave drunkenly back and forth. As the Reverend grabs her arms to steady her, they both end up tumbling to the floor. The reverend falls on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. "Oi, mate," the landlord says looking over. "We won't have any of that sort of carry on in this establishment!" The Reverend looks up at the landlord and declares, "But you don't understand! I'm Pastor Flapps." "Well," the landlord says, nodding, "if you're that far in you might as well finish." Yes, I read trashy womens mags.

9th May 2005, 03:08 PM	#162 (permalink)
azpazzagus la Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: dundee Posts: 1,806 Band: i used to play cello for the a forest	did we not already have that one?

9th May 2005, 03:09 PM	#163 (permalink)
xglitter-me-upx [discothèque] Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Dundee Posts: 1,383	I dunno. I was too lazy to check.

9th May 2005, 03:14 PM	#164 (permalink)
xglitter-me-upx [discothèque] Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Dundee Posts: 1,383