jokes - Page 12

azpazzagus · 9th May 2005, 10:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PawtucktPatriot

It wasn't.....

when you think about it
it is
imagine being scared of chins....it would be totally horrifying to go anywhere

xglitter-me-upx · 9th May 2005, 11:02 PM

They'd get them to meet Will Young to cure their phobia.

4273stuart · 11th May 2005, 05:45 PM

Bob, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day when he spotted another man outfitted to dive wearing dark glasses, carrying a white cane and holding a seeing-eye dog by a leash. Shocked that the blind man was also going to jump, Bob struck up a conversation, expressing his admiration for the man's courage. Then, curious, he asked, "How do you know when the ground is getting close?" "Easy," replied the blind man. "The leash goes slack."

4273stuart · 11th May 2005, 08:19 PM

Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Farmer: This dog don't talk!
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: Doin alright
Farmer: (Extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
Dog: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Farmer: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Farmer: Horses don't talk!
Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it goin?
Horse: Cool.
Farmer: (an even wilder look of shock)
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
Horse: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements. Farmer: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
Farmer: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!

RussellOrGoose · 11th May 2005, 08:44 PM

What don't cars like on their toast?

Traffic JAM

and they say modern comedy is dead.

*Lyndsey* · 11th May 2005, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Farmer: This dog don't talk!
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: Doin alright
Farmer: (Extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
Dog: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Farmer: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Farmer: Horses don't talk!
Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it goin?
Horse: Cool.
Farmer: (an even wilder look of shock)
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
Horse: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements. Farmer: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
Farmer: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!

classic : )

4273stuart · 12th May 2005, 08:30 PM

On the first day of college, the Dean addresses the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180." "Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

4273stuart · 12th May 2005, 08:31 PM

How to impress a woman:
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, buy flowers for her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to impress a man:
Show up naked Bring beer.

4273stuart · 12th May 2005, 08:42 PM

Sexist dictionary: WIFE -- An attachment you screw on the bed to get the house work done

Whats the definition of a lesbian?
Just another woman trying to do a man's job.

Women and the five continents.
At 14-18 She is like Africa: partly virgin, and partly explored.
At 18-24 She is like Australia: highly developed in the built up areas.
At 24-30 She is like America: highly technical, and constantly seeking new methods.
At 30-35 She is like Asia: sultry, hot and mysterious.
At 45-65 She is like Antarctica: everybody knows where it is, but nobody wants to go there !

4273stuart · 18th May 2005, 03:36 PM

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick.

4273stuart · 18th May 2005, 03:37 PM

Vicar: What's that you're doing, Tommy?
Tommy: Sticking bangers (firecrackers) up frog's arses, Vicar.
Vicar: Rectum, Tommy.
Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!

thomasjmaccoll · 18th May 2005, 10:47 PM

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4273stuart · 19th May 2005, 12:46 PM

A man was in an ice cream parlor waiting to buy some ice cream. There was one lady in front of him. She ordered a chocolate cone. The soda-jerk told her he's sorry but they have run out of chocolate. She said, "OK, then I'll have some chocolate." He told her, "Lady, I'm out of chocolate." Once again she said, "OK, I'll just have some chocolate." Exasperated, he said, "Lady, spell VAN as in vanilla." She spelled van. He said, "Good, now spell STRAW as in strawberry." She spelled straw. He said, "Good, now spell FUCK as in chocolate." The lady said, "There is no fuck in chocolate." He replied, "That's what I'm trying to tell you."

Two men in their 80's are talking in the park. The first one looks at his watch and says, "I must go now, it's time to meet my wife for sex." The other man says, "We're in our 80's now -- how do you still manage to get it hard?" "By eating a lot of Rye bread," comes the reply. "That makes it hard as a rock." The man has to try it and goes to the bakery. He asks the girl for ten loaves of rye bread. The girl asks if it's for a party and he replies, "No, it's all for me." The girl says, "All for you, it's going to get hard." The man replies, "Everybody knows about it but me !!!!"

4273stuart · 20th May 2005, 12:46 PM

Another thats fun to tell

Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the clowns.
Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'
'No,' replies little Johnny.
'Are you the rear end of an ass?'
'No,' replies little Johnny again.
'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.'
Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says,
'Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.'
At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night. The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.
Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'
Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice: 'Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!'

9th May 2005, 11:02 PM	#167 (permalink)
xglitter-me-upx [discothèque] Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Dundee Posts: 1,383	They'd get them to meet Will Young to cure their phobia.

11th May 2005, 05:45 PM	#168 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Bob, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day when he spotted another man outfitted to dive wearing dark glasses, carrying a white cane and holding a seeing-eye dog by a leash. Shocked that the blind man was also going to jump, Bob struck up a conversation, expressing his admiration for the man's courage. Then, curious, he asked, "How do you know when the ground is getting close?" "Easy," replied the blind man. "The leash goes slack."

11th May 2005, 08:19 PM	#169 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him? Farmer: This dog don't talk! Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going? Dog: Doin alright Farmer: (Extreme look of shock) Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer) Dog: Yep. Ventriloquist: How's he treat you? Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play. Farmer: (Look of disbelief) Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse? Farmer: Horses don't talk! Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it goin? Horse: Cool. Farmer: (an even wilder look of shock) Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer) Horse: Yep. Ventriloquist: How's he treat you? Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements. Farmer: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP? Farmer: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!

11th May 2005, 08:44 PM	#170 (permalink)
RussellOrGoose legend Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Cupar Posts: 6,422	What don't cars like on their toast? Traffic JAM and they say modern comedy is dead.

12th May 2005, 08:30 PM	#172 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	On the first day of college, the Dean addresses the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180." "Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

12th May 2005, 08:31 PM	#173 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	How to impress a woman: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, buy flowers for her, go to the ends of the earth for her. How to impress a man: Show up naked Bring beer.

12th May 2005, 08:42 PM	#174 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Sexist dictionary: WIFE -- An attachment you screw on the bed to get the house work done Whats the definition of a lesbian? Just another woman trying to do a man's job. Women and the five continents. At 14-18 She is like Africa: partly virgin, and partly explored. At 18-24 She is like Australia: highly developed in the built up areas. At 24-30 She is like America: highly technical, and constantly seeking new methods. At 30-35 She is like Asia: sultry, hot and mysterious. At 45-65 She is like Antarctica: everybody knows where it is, but nobody wants to go there !

18th May 2005, 03:36 PM	#175 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick.

18th May 2005, 03:37 PM	#176 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Vicar: What's that you're doing, Tommy? Tommy: Sticking bangers (firecrackers) up frog's arses, Vicar. Vicar: Rectum, Tommy. Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!

18th May 2005, 10:47 PM	#177 (permalink)
thomasjmaccoll Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: 47 millbank, cupar, fife Posts: 1,109	\ .\t ..\h ...\e ....\ .....\s ......\t .......\a ........\n .........\d ..........\a ...........\r ............\d .............\ ..............\o ...............\f ................\ .................\t ..................\h ...................\e ....................\s .....................\e ......................\ .......................\j ........................\o .........................\k ..........................\e ...........................\s ............................\ .............................\

19th May 2005, 12:46 PM	#178 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A man was in an ice cream parlor waiting to buy some ice cream. There was one lady in front of him. She ordered a chocolate cone. The soda-jerk told her he's sorry but they have run out of chocolate. She said, "OK, then I'll have some chocolate." He told her, "Lady, I'm out of chocolate." Once again she said, "OK, I'll just have some chocolate." Exasperated, he said, "Lady, spell VAN as in vanilla." She spelled van. He said, "Good, now spell STRAW as in strawberry." She spelled straw. He said, "Good, now spell FUCK as in chocolate." The lady said, "There is no fuck in chocolate." He replied, "That's what I'm trying to tell you." Two men in their 80's are talking in the park. The first one looks at his watch and says, "I must go now, it's time to meet my wife for sex." The other man says, "We're in our 80's now -- how do you still manage to get it hard?" "By eating a lot of Rye bread," comes the reply. "That makes it hard as a rock." The man has to try it and goes to the bakery. He asks the girl for ten loaves of rye bread. The girl asks if it's for a party and he replies, "No, it's all for me." The girl says, "All for you, it's going to get hard." The man replies, "Everybody knows about it but me !!!!"

20th May 2005, 12:46 PM	#179 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Another thats fun to tell Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the clowns. Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?' 'No,' replies little Johnny. 'Are you the rear end of an ass?' 'No,' replies little Johnny again. 'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.' Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night. The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns. Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?' Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice: 'Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!'