jokes - Page 13

4273stuart · 21st May 2005, 02:26 PM

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

4273stuart · 22nd May 2005, 03:01 PM

Bill Clinton was sitting next to a White House intern on day at a state function and turned to her and asked if she would like to come to the office and see his clock. "No I don't think so" she says. "I would really like to show it to you" Bill says. "No I really don't want to" says she. Bill says "Oh come on... it will only take a minute and it a very interesting clock" " All right, if it won't take long" she replies. They leave an go to the oval office and Bill unzips and drops his pants. "That's not a clock..." she says. Bill says " Honey, if you put two hands and a face on it, its a clock!".

4273stuart · 22nd May 2005, 03:02 PM

A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. 1. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese Banyan during our freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then # 2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic."

Göbb Hayte · 23rd May 2005, 12:01 AM

two jewish babies are eating razor blades in a microwave on the train to auschwitz, and one says to the other "do you know what i hate the most about my dad's cock?" actually, nah, fuck it, you have to do the voices.

4273stuart · 23rd May 2005, 10:47 AM

John receives a phone call.
"Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

4273stuart · 23rd May 2005, 10:55 PM

does anybody read this or am i just wasting time listing jokes

Göbb Hayte · 23rd May 2005, 11:04 PM

i read it.

this guy has had an obsession with tractors ever since he was a kid. he had tractor toys, tractor wall paper, books about tractors, all sorts of tractor related goods. for his 18th birthday his folks get him a real tractor, and he loves it, he spends all day just driving his tractor about. one day, he meets a girl and falls in love and they get married. everything is fine fore a while, but she starts to get more and more frustrated at the amount of time he spends playing with his tractor and all his tractor memorabilia. she confronts him about it and says "look, all you do is play with your tractor, i'm getting sick of it, you never pay any attention to me anymore, so it's the tractor or me" although it hurts, he decides he loves his wife, so he sells his tractor, all his model tractors, takes down all his tractor posters, and forgets all about it. a while later, him and his wife are in a pub, and it's getting really smoky and nipping her eyes. he notices the smoke is bothering her, so he takes in a huge breath, sucks all the smoke in the room into his lungs, and blows it out the window. his wife is amazed and asks "how did you do that?" he says "it's easy, i'm an ex tractor fan"

sorry

4273stuart · 24th May 2005, 11:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Göbb Hayte

i read it.

this guy has had an obsession with tractors ever since he was a kid. he had tractor toys, tractor wall paper, books about tractors, all sorts of tractor related goods. for his 18th birthday his folks get him a real tractor, and he loves it, he spends all day just driving his tractor about. one day, he meets a girl and falls in love and they get married. everything is fine fore a while, but she starts to get more and more frustrated at the amount of time he spends playing with his tractor and all his tractor memorabilia. she confronts him about it and says "look, all you do is play with your tractor, i'm getting sick of it, you never pay any attention to me anymore, so it's the tractor or me" although it hurts, he decides he loves his wife, so he sells his tractor, all his model tractors, takes down all his tractor posters, and forgets all about it. a while later, him and his wife are in a pub, and it's getting really smoky and nipping her eyes. he notices the smoke is bothering her, so he takes in a huge breath, sucks all the smoke in the room into his lungs, and blows it out the window. his wife is amazed and asks "how did you do that?" he says "it's easy, i'm an ex tractor fan"

sorry

Ancient joke but still at least someone else is posting them i shal keep the jokes coming!

enjoy

maz · 24th May 2005, 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

does anybody read this or am i just wasting time listing jokes

i read em

4273stuart · 24th May 2005, 11:35 AM

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest answers no.
He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, Father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY): "I'm sorry, Father, but that's what the fish is called -- a Sonofabitch."
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and stops the Bishop. Priest: "Look at this big Sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand! That's what the fish is called and I caught it. I caught this Sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Hmmm, you know I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it and takes it to the head Mother. Bishop: "Could you cook this Sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother: "My lord, what langauge!"
Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what this fish is called, a Sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we want you to cook it."
Head Mother: "Yes, I'll cook that Sonofabitch tonight."
That night the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great and asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the Sonofabitch."
Bishop: "And I cleaned the Sonofabitch."
Head Mother: "And I cooked the Sonofabitch."
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes off his hat, leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on the table and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright!"

evilheartedyou · 24th May 2005, 01:35 PM

I read these! and tell them to my sister

4273stuart · 26th May 2005, 06:57 PM

A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over. COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
GUY: "Hey, I slowed down didn't I???"
COP: "You must come to a full stop at the sign."
GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?"
The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy with-out mercy. COP: "Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?"

4273stuart · 26th May 2005, 06:58 PM

an old favourite of mine

Two construction workers were working on the 30th floor. Suddenly one of them had to piss. The other guy agreed to hold on to him while the first guy leaned out a window. Then the dinnerbell sounded an the guy who was holding the other one, completely forgot about holding on, he just ran down to get his food. On the 20th floor he was stopped by his boss, who asked if the guy that he worked with was gay. 'No, But why do you ask?' he said. 'Because a minute a go he came flying past my window with his dick in his hand asking, 'where the fuck did that ASSHOLE go!''

Göbb Hayte · 26th May 2005, 07:08 PM

this monastary puts a sign up advertising for a new bell ringer, and a guy with no arms knocks on their door and says "i'm here about the bell ringer job" the monk says "how are you going to ring the bells with no arms?" he says "look, just let me have a go", so the monk takes him up the bell tower and lets him have a go on the smallest bell first, so he takes a bit of a run up, jumps at the bell and headbutts it, ringing it perfectly. "ok" the monk says "we'll try you on the middle sized bell now" so he takes a bigger run up, jumps at the bell and headbutts it, again, ringing it perfectly. so the monk decides to let him have a go at the biggest bell, he goes right to the other side of the room, runs at the bell, jumps at it nutting it as hard as he can, bounces off it, crashes right through the wall and falls all the way down to his death. the monk comes running down the stairs, and by the time he gets there a small crowd have gathered, including a policeman.the monk goes up to the body and the policeman stops him and asks "do you know this man?" and the monk says "no, but his face rings a bell"

21st May 2005, 02:26 PM	#181 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

22nd May 2005, 03:01 PM	#182 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Bill Clinton was sitting next to a White House intern on day at a state function and turned to her and asked if she would like to come to the office and see his clock. "No I don't think so" she says. "I would really like to show it to you" Bill says. "No I really don't want to" says she. Bill says "Oh come on... it will only take a minute and it a very interesting clock" " All right, if it won't take long" she replies. They leave an go to the oval office and Bill unzips and drops his pants. "That's not a clock..." she says. Bill says " Honey, if you put two hands and a face on it, its a clock!".

22nd May 2005, 03:02 PM	#183 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. 1. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese Banyan during our freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then # 2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic."

23rd May 2005, 12:01 AM	#184 (permalink)
Göbb Hayte Banned Join Date: May 2005 Location: dundee Posts: 145	two jewish babies are eating razor blades in a microwave on the train to auschwitz, and one says to the other "do you know what i hate the most about my dad's cock?" actually, nah, fuck it, you have to do the voices.

23rd May 2005, 10:47 AM	#185 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago." John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?" Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?" Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself." John: "Say, you ARE a good sport." A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

23rd May 2005, 10:55 PM	#186 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	does anybody read this or am i just wasting time listing jokes

23rd May 2005, 11:04 PM	#187 (permalink)
Göbb Hayte Banned Join Date: May 2005 Location: dundee Posts: 145	i read it. this guy has had an obsession with tractors ever since he was a kid. he had tractor toys, tractor wall paper, books about tractors, all sorts of tractor related goods. for his 18th birthday his folks get him a real tractor, and he loves it, he spends all day just driving his tractor about. one day, he meets a girl and falls in love and they get married. everything is fine fore a while, but she starts to get more and more frustrated at the amount of time he spends playing with his tractor and all his tractor memorabilia. she confronts him about it and says "look, all you do is play with your tractor, i'm getting sick of it, you never pay any attention to me anymore, so it's the tractor or me" although it hurts, he decides he loves his wife, so he sells his tractor, all his model tractors, takes down all his tractor posters, and forgets all about it. a while later, him and his wife are in a pub, and it's getting really smoky and nipping her eyes. he notices the smoke is bothering her, so he takes in a huge breath, sucks all the smoke in the room into his lungs, and blows it out the window. his wife is amazed and asks "how did you do that?" he says "it's easy, i'm an ex tractor fan" sorry

24th May 2005, 11:35 AM	#190 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest answers no. He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, Father." After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!" Priest: "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?" Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY): "I'm sorry, Father, but that's what the fish is called -- a Sonofabitch." Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and stops the Bishop. Priest: "Look at this big Sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God." Priest: "No, you don't understand! That's what the fish is called and I caught it. I caught this Sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Hmmm, you know I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it and takes it to the head Mother. Bishop: "Could you cook this Sonofabitch for dinner tonight?" Head Mother: "My lord, what langauge!" Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what this fish is called, a Sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we want you to cook it." Head Mother: "Yes, I'll cook that Sonofabitch tonight." That night the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great and asks where they got it. Priest: "I caught the Sonofabitch." Bishop: "And I cleaned the Sonofabitch." Head Mother: "And I cooked the Sonofabitch." The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes off his hat, leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on the table and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright!"

24th May 2005, 01:35 PM	#191 (permalink)
evilheartedyou Uh oh! Spaghettio! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: glasglayglo Posts: 1,187	I read these! and tell them to my sister

26th May 2005, 06:57 PM	#192 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over. COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" GUY: "Hey, I slowed down didn't I???" COP: "You must come to a full stop at the sign." GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?" The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy with-out mercy. COP: "Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?"

26th May 2005, 06:58 PM	#193 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	an old favourite of mine Two construction workers were working on the 30th floor. Suddenly one of them had to piss. The other guy agreed to hold on to him while the first guy leaned out a window. Then the dinnerbell sounded an the guy who was holding the other one, completely forgot about holding on, he just ran down to get his food. On the 20th floor he was stopped by his boss, who asked if the guy that he worked with was gay. 'No, But why do you ask?' he said. 'Because a minute a go he came flying past my window with his dick in his hand asking, 'where the fuck did that ASSHOLE go!''

26th May 2005, 07:08 PM	#194 (permalink)
Göbb Hayte Banned Join Date: May 2005 Location: dundee Posts: 145	this monastary puts a sign up advertising for a new bell ringer, and a guy with no arms knocks on their door and says "i'm here about the bell ringer job" the monk says "how are you going to ring the bells with no arms?" he says "look, just let me have a go", so the monk takes him up the bell tower and lets him have a go on the smallest bell first, so he takes a bit of a run up, jumps at the bell and headbutts it, ringing it perfectly. "ok" the monk says "we'll try you on the middle sized bell now" so he takes a bigger run up, jumps at the bell and headbutts it, again, ringing it perfectly. so the monk decides to let him have a go at the biggest bell, he goes right to the other side of the room, runs at the bell, jumps at it nutting it as hard as he can, bounces off it, crashes right through the wall and falls all the way down to his death. the monk comes running down the stairs, and by the time he gets there a small crowd have gathered, including a policeman.the monk goes up to the body and the policeman stops him and asks "do you know this man?" and the monk says "no, but his face rings a bell"