jokes

[4273stuart]

There's this woman who's got divorced and is getting a tad bored, so she decides to put an ad in the paper to get a new man. It goes something like this:
WANTED - MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH. MUST HAVE FOLLOWING QUALITIES:
1. WILL NEVER RUN AWAY
2. WON'T BEAT ME UP
3. MUST BE GOOD AT SEX
After 6 months of letters and calls which are crap and useless, she gets a ring on her doorbell. There's this bloke lying on her doormat with no arms and legs. "What do you want?" she asks. "Well" he says "I'm answering your ad. I've got no legs, so I can't run away and I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up." "What about the sex?" she says. "How do you think I rang the doorbell!"

[Rebelius]

A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill-repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, "Why not?" so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?"

Of course, the Madam said "No"

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with the baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the dose that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and .....





....HE'S THE CUNT WHO RAN OVER MY FROG! "

[Rebelius]

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies
There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds a lot quicker and better than a doctor".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda. He deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks". That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...........thank you for shopping at Asda.

[Rebelius]

how do you get a goth out of a tree?
cut the rope

[Rebelius]

A Young Glasgow boy moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
'Do you have any sales experience?' asked the manager.
'Oh Aye; uv dunna bitta sales stuff back up eh road anat, it the barras
anat, know?' nodded the young weegie.
The manager liked him, so he gave him the job . The young Scot's first day
was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was
settling in.
'So... how many sales did you make today'? He smiled at the boy.
The weegie said: 'Jist the wan'.
The manager was immediately disappointed. 'Wh-a-a-t? Just one?
Harrods'ssales people average 20 or 30 sales a day!
Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for, anyway'?
'£101,237.64' said the lad.
The Harrods manager choked. 'Blimey... One hundred and one thousand,
twohundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty-four pence! What in hell did
you sell him?'
'Well, first ah selt him a wee fishhook,then a medium fish hook, and then ah
selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gawin' fishing,
and he said down at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat. We went
down to the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat...
then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so I took
him down to car sales and I selt him a dinky 4x4 Suzuki....'

The manager was now incredulous. 'Wait a minute; you mean to tell me.... a
guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a
four-by-four?'

'Naw naw, big man... he came in tay buy a box of tampons furries missus and
Ah said........."Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's f**ked, ye might as
well go fishing..."

[earmuffin]

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline;

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

[4273stuart]

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor.
He thinks to himself "I know I've led a wild life, but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
Counselor: "What's the problem, you look depressed?"
Guy: "Well, what do you think? I'm in hell."
Counselor: "Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want, and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?"
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?"
Guy: "Well in my younger days I experimented a little; never inhaled." Counselor: "You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry aboutoverdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?"
Guy: "Yes, I love to gamble."
Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?"
Guy: "Well, no I'm not."
Counselor: "Oh," he grimaces, "You're gonna hate Fridays....."

[Rebelius]

A boy comes downstairs, he says where's my breakfast?
To which his mum replies, you have to do you chores first.
Do i have to? the asked
Yes she replied...

So he went outside and and saw a chicken and kicked it in frustration,
Then he saw a pig and kicked that in frustration,
Then he saw a cow and kicked it in frustration.

He came back inside and sat at the table and noticed his breakfast was missing a few things,

Wheres my eggs and bacon, and i like my cereal to have milk on it

His mum says, i saw you out there you kicked the chicken-no eggs for a week, you kicked the pig-no bacon for a week, you kicked the cow-no milk for a week,

The boys father walks dowstairs and kicks the cat out of the way,
the boy smiles, turns to his mother and says,
are you gonna tell him or should i?

[4273stuart]

Mark picks up a woman in a bar. They get in his car, and they're going down the road to Lover's Lane, when he gets a flat tire. He looks in the trunk, and his spare is flat, too. He figures, what the hell, he's gonna get a little bit. So they get in the back seat, and he's just getting off her top and her bra, when another car pulls up. He gets out, and the other guy says, "Can I help you?" Mark says, "You sure can. I'll tell you what...if you'll let me use your car to go get my tire fixed, you can screw the girl in the back seat while I'm gone." The guy says, "You're on." The guy gives him the keys, Mark puts his tire in the guy's trunk, and takes off. The guy gets in the back seat, hops on the girl, and they're just about to go to it when a police car pulls up. The cop walks over, shines the flashlight into the back seat, and says, "What are you doing, Buddy?" The guy says, "I'm just about to bang my wife, officer." The cop says, "I'm sorry, pal, I didn't realize it was your wife." The guy says, "I didn't ether, 'til you shined your flashlight on her."

[Ryan_Equilibrium]

whats E.T. short for?

he's got short legs.

scottish man, english man and irish man go on holiday to mexico. at the customs desk the official says, "you cant get in unless you have a big cock". the scottish man whips his out, 8 inches, "you're in" says the official. english man next, 6 inches, "thats big enough" says the official, "on you go". irish man gets his out, 4 inches. the ofiicial ponders his decision for a minute before deciding to let the irish man in. later on, the 3 men are talking in a bar, the scottish man says, "thank fuck i have a big cock", the english man concurs. the irish man says, "thank fuck i had a bricker!"

[4273stuart]

Originally Posted by Rebelius

A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill-repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, "Why not?" so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?"

Of course, the Madam said "No"

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with the baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the dose that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and .....





....HE'S THE CUNT WHO RAN OVER MY FROG! "

begining to repeat jokes already been said

[Rebelius]

sorry if i couldnt be arsed reading through 5 pages before posting