jokes - Page 15

4273stuart · 2nd June 2005, 03:31 PM

This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen TV. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city. Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.
"Now, down to business," he says. "How much for a hand job?"
The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"
"What? That's outrageous."
"Come over here," she says walking towards one of the windows.
"See that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good." "All right, screw it, money is no object." A half hour after she's done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?"
"Honey, a blow job is $5000.00"
"What? That's outrageous."
"Come over here," she says walking towards another one of the windows.
"See that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window? "I own that. I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good."
"All right, what the hell, it's only money." The guy gives her $5000.00 An hour after she's done, the guy is laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker looks at him and says, "Honey, if I had a pussy I would own this whole city............"

4273stuart · 2nd June 2005, 06:51 PM

This lady approaches a priest and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed,
"but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Göbb Hayte · 2nd June 2005, 07:16 PM

i think this deserves a thread of it's own, keep this only for jokes

4273stuart · 2nd June 2005, 07:18 PM

back to jokes

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "this is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.... The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" T
he guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.... So he is lying in bed with her and says '123', and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

Göbb Hayte · 2nd June 2005, 07:27 PM

I'M IMPOTENT YOU INSENSITIVE CUNT!

no, i'm not, really, just making a point.

this kid is talking to his grandad one day, and he notices that he's missing the tip of a finger and the top of his ear. he asks what happened, and his grandad says "that was during the war. some messages were sent by carrier pigeon, and during a battle, a pigeon carrying an importan message was shot down over no mans land. i was sent to retrieve the pigeon, so i ran across no mans land, dodging bullets and shells, and on the way a bullet took the top of my ear off. i got to the pigeon, got the message, and ran back across no mans land, and a shell exploded beside me and took the tip of my finger off. i kept running, got back to my trench, gave the boys the message and the battle was won" the boy asks "what was the message?" and his grandad says "coooo coooo"

4273stuart · 3rd June 2005, 02:35 PM

An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer swilling locals and in his well educated voice asks the bartender, "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man." One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?" Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic -- are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?" "Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a taxidermist." "Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?" "I mount d..d..dead animals." "It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "He's one of us!"

seonaid · 4th June 2005, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

why not PM the person who wrote it asking them nicely to remove it! not threatening to punch them in the face and there is no need to deliberately put a joke on here that you know will offend.

i have a sick sense of humour and i didn't intend to offend anyone (sorry if you were

)

but it was only a joke about a man thinking he was a moth

also, if you want to punch me, feel free. honestly. you may know my name but you don't know (hopefully) who i am. (if you do it looks like i might get hurt)

4273stuart · 4th June 2005, 04:23 PM

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."
As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!"
Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a bullet into the toilet."
The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!"
The mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you know?"
The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.
A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!"
"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
"No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog"

^_mincher_^ · 4th June 2005, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seonaid

i have a sick sense of humour and i didn't intend to offend anyone (sorry if you were

)

but it was only a joke about a man thinking he was a moth

also, if you want to punch me, feel free. honestly. you may know my name but you don't know (hopefully) who i am. (if you do it looks like i might get hurt)

To clear this up, i didnt say i was going to punch you, only that jokes like that can incite people to be violent. It was all a bit tongue in cheek tbh.

It's amazing how differently people read things if you miss out a

^_mincher_^ · 4th June 2005, 05:08 PM

One day a penguin, being a mite adventurous decides to go on a journey to distant places. On his travels he comes across a man selling his car and decides to buy it as it'll help him get around quicker.

So the penguin living it up in his new car, is driving around all day, seeing the sights etc. when all of a sudden the car breaks down. The penguin pushes it all the way to the nearest garage and is told it'll be to come back in a few hours.

Walking through town the penguin spots an ice cream parlor and gets very excited! Naturally penguins love ice cream but alas their appendages don't particularly allow them to eat nicely and he ends up getting it all over his face.

After filling himself up with icecream, the penguin realises its time to go pick up his car. Walking in to the garage, the mechanic turns and says:

"Looks like you've blown a seal."

To which the penguin replies:

"No, No! It's ice cream! Honest!"

maz · 5th June 2005, 01:46 PM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v7...AFC/kungfu.gif

i know it's not a joke....but it's funny

^_mincher_^ · 5th June 2005, 05:39 PM

Haha that totally reminds me of the scene in Indiana Jones.

4273stuart · 6th June 2005, 03:02 PM

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives.
One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"
The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time the misses and I have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating. "
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"
The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, how did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said."
The first guy says, " So??? What happened?"
The other guy says, "So.... she bit my cock, shit on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! "

2nd June 2005, 07:18 PM	#214 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	back to jokes After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "this is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.... The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" T he guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.... So he is lying in bed with her and says '123', and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?" Last edited by 4273stuart : 2nd June 2005 at 07:21 PM.

2nd June 2005, 03:31 PM	#211 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen TV. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city. Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says. "How much for a hand job?" The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00" "What? That's outrageous." "Come over here," she says walking towards one of the windows. "See that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good." "All right, screw it, money is no object." A half hour after she's done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?" "Honey, a blow job is $5000.00" "What? That's outrageous." "Come over here," she says walking towards another one of the windows. "See that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window? "I own that. I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good." "All right, what the hell, it's only money." The guy gives her $5000.00 An hour after she's done, the guy is laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, how much for some pussy?" The hooker looks at him and says, "Honey, if I had a pussy I would own this whole city............"

2nd June 2005, 06:51 PM	#212 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' " "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

2nd June 2005, 07:16 PM	#213 (permalink)
Göbb Hayte Banned Join Date: May 2005 Location: dundee Posts: 145	i think this deserves a thread of it's own, keep this only for jokes

2nd June 2005, 07:27 PM	#215 (permalink)
Göbb Hayte Banned Join Date: May 2005 Location: dundee Posts: 145	I'M IMPOTENT YOU INSENSITIVE CUNT! no, i'm not, really, just making a point. this kid is talking to his grandad one day, and he notices that he's missing the tip of a finger and the top of his ear. he asks what happened, and his grandad says "that was during the war. some messages were sent by carrier pigeon, and during a battle, a pigeon carrying an importan message was shot down over no mans land. i was sent to retrieve the pigeon, so i ran across no mans land, dodging bullets and shells, and on the way a bullet took the top of my ear off. i got to the pigeon, got the message, and ran back across no mans land, and a shell exploded beside me and took the tip of my finger off. i kept running, got back to my trench, gave the boys the message and the battle was won" the boy asks "what was the message?" and his grandad says "coooo coooo"

3rd June 2005, 02:35 PM	#216 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer swilling locals and in his well educated voice asks the bartender, "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man." One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?" Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic -- are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?" "Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a taxidermist." "Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?" "I mount d..d..dead animals." "It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "He's one of us!"

4th June 2005, 04:23 PM	#218 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism." As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!" Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a bullet into the toilet." The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank. A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" The mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you know?" The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank. A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" "No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog"

4th June 2005, 05:08 PM	#220 (permalink)
^_mincher_^ Senior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Corstorphine/Dundee Posts: 1,574	One day a penguin, being a mite adventurous decides to go on a journey to distant places. On his travels he comes across a man selling his car and decides to buy it as it'll help him get around quicker. So the penguin living it up in his new car, is driving around all day, seeing the sights etc. when all of a sudden the car breaks down. The penguin pushes it all the way to the nearest garage and is told it'll be to come back in a few hours. Walking through town the penguin spots an ice cream parlor and gets very excited! Naturally penguins love ice cream but alas their appendages don't particularly allow them to eat nicely and he ends up getting it all over his face. After filling himself up with icecream, the penguin realises its time to go pick up his car. Walking in to the garage, the mechanic turns and says: "Looks like you've blown a seal." To which the penguin replies: "No, No! It's ice cream! Honest!"

5th June 2005, 01:46 PM	#221 (permalink)
maz Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Scotland, Dundee Posts: 1,104	http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v7...AFC/kungfu.gif i know it's not a joke....but it's funny

5th June 2005, 05:39 PM	#222 (permalink)
^_mincher_^ Senior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Corstorphine/Dundee Posts: 1,574	Haha that totally reminds me of the scene in Indiana Jones.

6th June 2005, 03:02 PM	#223 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?" The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time the misses and I have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating. " The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!" The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that." The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, how did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, " So??? What happened?" The other guy says, "So.... she bit my cock, shit on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! "

7th June 2005, 04:21 PM	#224 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275