jokes - Page 16

PlaySleepRepeat · 9th June 2005, 05:12 PM

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?

A: Fuck her.

4273stuart · 10th June 2005, 05:58 PM

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realised that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

EVilL · 11th June 2005, 12:47 AM

(say out loud)

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto......

(Hic) .. Nite All

EVilL

4273stuart · 11th June 2005, 03:39 PM

This guy was invited to a stag night but his wife didn't want him to go.
"Last time you went to a stag night you got totally blind and spewed all over yourself ruining a new suit", she said.
"I promise that I'll behave myself", he said, and begged and begged until finally she gave in.
So he goes along to the party and orders a lemon squash to do the right thing. Next he has a couple of light beers still trying to make sure that he doesn't overdo it. After that he started drinking heavies and by 10.30pm he's starting to get pissed.
"Shit my wife will kill me if I end up blind drunk. Last time I ruined a new suit by vomitting all over myself" he tells a friend.
"No worries", says his mate.
"What you do is put $20 in the back of your wallet and, if you end up throwing up on your suit you give the wife the $20 when you get home and tell her that someone else vomitted all over you and gave you $20 for the dry cleaning".
So the guy thinks this is a great idea and starts really getting into the booze. By 2:00 AM he is shitfaced. He has barfed all over himself as his wife expected he would. So he heads home and his wife greets him at the door.
"Right, that's it! I've had enough of you, I'm leaving" his wife says.
"No, no you've got it all wrong!", says the drunk guy,
"I didn't do this, someone else was so drunk they threw up all over me, but he gave me $20 to pay for the dry cleaning," he says as he hands over the money to his wife.
"If he gave you $20 how come your giving me $40?", asked the wife.
He replied, "Oh, the other $20 is from the guy who shat in my pants!"

4273stuart · 13th June 2005, 05:57 PM

Age is a funny thing ... Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you? .... "I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!! But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........ You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone. Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!! So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one. And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I was JUST 92 ... Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"

4273stuart · 14th June 2005, 04:55 PM

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Paul up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Paul. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Paul replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I don't understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes"!!!!!

4273stuart · 15th June 2005, 12:06 PM

A man takes a group of blind people round to Blackpool To see the illuminations, but when they got there they Were to early for the lights so he asked the folk on The bus "what do you want to do while we are waiting?" They replied "let's go for a game of football!"
The man thought this was a strange request as the folk Are blind but took them to the football ground anyway.
Once changed and going on to the pitch the driver asked Them "how the hell can you play football if you are blind?"
One produced a ball with bells all over it and said "When we here the bells we start swinging our fists And feet"
He shook his head and threw the ball up in the air and Returned to the bus laughing at the folk all waving fists And feet and proceeded to fall asleep. An hour or two later he gets wakened by a knock at the Window, he looks out to see a policeman standing. He dually Rolled down the window and asked if anything was wrong, The officer said "Yes, I did you bring a group of blind folk down to see the Lights?"
"Yes. Why?"
"There down at the police station".
"What for?" he asked
"They just kicked fuck out of a Maurice dancer".

4273stuart · 16th June 2005, 06:34 PM

A group of married guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.
The youngest, concerned about keeping the fire burning at home asks, "What do you guys do to keep your wives aroused?"
"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that makes her moan."
Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"
Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I climb outta bed and wipe my cock on the curtains. Drives her fucking nuts!"

4273stuart · 17th June 2005, 05:51 AM

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse I'm sending him over."
Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. "Ok, what about the earsth?"
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.
"Ok, finally, I'd like to see her twat."
With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

4273stuart · 17th June 2005, 08:04 AM

you do know that you can all post jokes here and not just me

4273stuart · 17th June 2005, 05:52 PM

A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side. Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store. (a good 2-hour drive away).
'Can you get me some chicken feed?' the man asked.
'Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually gots chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick.' the clerk responded.
He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. 'Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed.' He got his feed and drove home.
The next day he ran out of dog food. Once again, he drove down to the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food. The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a shoe box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top.
He walked into the store and said to the clerk 'Put your finger in this, take it out, and smell it'.
'That smells like... crap!' ..she said with a look of surprise on her face.
'Yup. Need toilet paper.'

earmuffin · 17th June 2005, 05:59 PM

Q. How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. One

Dave(crashdown) · 18th June 2005, 10:32 AM

i'm going to calendar tomorow... i have a date ..

what do you call a pony with a sore throat.... a little horse....thats all i have today

Hat Of Cheese · 18th June 2005, 02:09 PM

Person: Knock knock!
Homeless guy: Who's there?
Person: I thought you were homeless!

11th June 2005, 12:47 AM	#228 (permalink)
EVilL Registered User Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Fortress of Solitude, Whitfield, Dundee. Posts: 20 Band: Limber	Drunk and Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel (say out loud) What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto...... (Hic) .. Nite All EVilL

9th June 2005, 05:12 PM	#226 (permalink)
PlaySleepRepeat Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Dundee Posts: 264 Band: eye	Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Fuck her.

10th June 2005, 05:58 PM	#227 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realised that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

11th June 2005, 03:39 PM	#229 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	This guy was invited to a stag night but his wife didn't want him to go. "Last time you went to a stag night you got totally blind and spewed all over yourself ruining a new suit", she said. "I promise that I'll behave myself", he said, and begged and begged until finally she gave in. So he goes along to the party and orders a lemon squash to do the right thing. Next he has a couple of light beers still trying to make sure that he doesn't overdo it. After that he started drinking heavies and by 10.30pm he's starting to get pissed. "Shit my wife will kill me if I end up blind drunk. Last time I ruined a new suit by vomitting all over myself" he tells a friend. "No worries", says his mate. "What you do is put $20 in the back of your wallet and, if you end up throwing up on your suit you give the wife the $20 when you get home and tell her that someone else vomitted all over you and gave you $20 for the dry cleaning". So the guy thinks this is a great idea and starts really getting into the booze. By 2:00 AM he is shitfaced. He has barfed all over himself as his wife expected he would. So he heads home and his wife greets him at the door. "Right, that's it! I've had enough of you, I'm leaving" his wife says. "No, no you've got it all wrong!", says the drunk guy, "I didn't do this, someone else was so drunk they threw up all over me, but he gave me $20 to pay for the dry cleaning," he says as he hands over the money to his wife. "If he gave you $20 how come your giving me $40?", asked the wife. He replied, "Oh, the other $20 is from the guy who shat in my pants!"

13th June 2005, 05:57 PM	#230 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Age is a funny thing ... Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you? .... "I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!! But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........ You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone. Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!! So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one. And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I was JUST 92 ... Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"

14th June 2005, 04:55 PM	#231 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Paul up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Paul. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Paul replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I don't understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes"!!!!!

15th June 2005, 12:06 PM	#232 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A man takes a group of blind people round to Blackpool To see the illuminations, but when they got there they Were to early for the lights so he asked the folk on The bus "what do you want to do while we are waiting?" They replied "let's go for a game of football!" The man thought this was a strange request as the folk Are blind but took them to the football ground anyway. Once changed and going on to the pitch the driver asked Them "how the hell can you play football if you are blind?" One produced a ball with bells all over it and said "When we here the bells we start swinging our fists And feet" He shook his head and threw the ball up in the air and Returned to the bus laughing at the folk all waving fists And feet and proceeded to fall asleep. An hour or two later he gets wakened by a knock at the Window, he looks out to see a policeman standing. He dually Rolled down the window and asked if anything was wrong, The officer said "Yes, I did you bring a group of blind folk down to see the Lights?" "Yes. Why?" "There down at the police station". "What for?" he asked "They just kicked fuck out of a Maurice dancer".

16th June 2005, 06:34 PM	#233 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A group of married guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together. The youngest, concerned about keeping the fire burning at home asks, "What do you guys do to keep your wives aroused?" "Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that makes her moan." Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!" Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I climb outta bed and wipe my cock on the curtains. Drives her fucking nuts!"

17th June 2005, 05:51 AM	#234 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse I'm sending him over." Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. "Ok, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "Ok, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

17th June 2005, 08:04 AM	#235 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	you do know that you can all post jokes here and not just me

17th June 2005, 05:52 PM	#236 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side. Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store. (a good 2-hour drive away). 'Can you get me some chicken feed?' the man asked. 'Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually gots chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick.' the clerk responded. He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. 'Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed.' He got his feed and drove home. The next day he ran out of dog food. Once again, he drove down to the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food. The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a shoe box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked into the store and said to the clerk 'Put your finger in this, take it out, and smell it'. 'That smells like... crap!' ..she said with a look of surprise on her face. 'Yup. Need toilet paper.'

17th June 2005, 05:59 PM	#237 (permalink)
earmuffin Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: I'm there. Posts: 1,655	Q. How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb? A. One

18th June 2005, 10:32 AM	#238 (permalink)
Dave(crashdown) Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Edzell Posts: 1,254	i'm going to calendar tomorow... i have a date .. what do you call a pony with a sore throat.... a little horse....thats all i have today

18th June 2005, 02:09 PM	#239 (permalink)
Hat Of Cheese 25 chars is plenty of spa Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Blairgooowrie Posts: 874	Person: Knock knock! Homeless guy: Who's there? Person: I thought you were homeless!