jokes

[4273stuart]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die".
"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."
"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores."
"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

[4273stuart]

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos.
After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film.
A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it.
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding out.
The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...... group sex, S&M, golden showers... and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice, and most of the men.
Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman turns to Jerry and whispers, "We're here to see our dog."

[4273stuart]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree.
"I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

[Dj-Zero]

It turns out The Animals are about to re-release their popular hit "House of the Rising Sun" with new lyrics. You see, there isn't a house in New Orleans!

[Dj-Zero]

I had a dream last night that I wrote Lord of the Rings, when I woke up this morning I realised I was Tolkien in my sleep!

[evilheartedyou]

Dj-Zero, shusht

[4273stuart]

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "clumsy bitch".

[4273stuart]

The usual scene.
A Doctor says to a patient, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."
The patient asks for the bad news and the doctor tells him that he has just three weeks to live.
"Three weeks! That's terrible. I'll be dead in three weeks! What's the good news."
Doctor says, "See my huge breasted receptionist? Well, I'm fucking her!"

[4273stuart]

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again.
She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Jessica simpson!
Days and weeks go by. Jess and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Jess has fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Jess, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "if it will help."
He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction.
They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.
He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

[evilheartedyou]

this is always the first thread I check when I remember to come back to UGS

[4273stuart]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

[4273stuart]

There was an scotsman, a Frenchman, and a Italian sitting in a bar having a an argument about how muh pleasure they give their wives.
The Frenchman says to the Italian, "So tell me, what do you do to pleasure your wife ?"
"Well," says the Italian, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over her body. Then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and she hovers 6 inches over the bed with delight."
Then the Italian says, "And what do you do to drive your wife wild?"
To which the Frenchman replies, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and she hovers 8 inches above the bed!"
Then the pair turn to the Scotsman when he says "thats nothing"
"Well..," he says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And she goes through the fucking roof!"

[4273stuart]

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely.
The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.
The husband then donated some of his skin..... however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just raved about her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he had done.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!"
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

[4273stuart]

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."