jokes - Page 22

Going Gone · 25th October 2005, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

someone has given me bad rep for posting this thread

"Please stop posting jokes. Thanks."

so looks like no more jokes

Nah, Fuck him. Keep posting, I love your jokes.

Hat Of Cheese · 25th October 2005, 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

someone has given me bad rep for posting this thread

"Please stop posting jokes. Thanks."

so looks like no more jokes

You do realise that this person doesn't actually have to read this thread, don't you?

evilheartedyou · 25th October 2005, 11:16 PM

noo I like your jokes!

we'll all give you pos rep to make up for it

hooligan · 25th October 2005, 11:33 PM

i get bad rep telling me to stop posting pretty much everything, but i dont, so dont stop the jokes.

4273stuart · 26th October 2005, 07:52 PM

well one person gave bad feedback but loads want more jokes so the jokes continue!

A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year.
After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, “More blankets.”
Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, “More food.”
The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he’s drained by the long work days.
He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, “I’m leaving.”
“Good,” the head monk replies. “You’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here.”

4273stuart · 28th October 2005, 04:35 AM

A man walked into a pub, as he strolled across to the bar he spotted a Horse sitting in the corner. When he got to the bar he ordered a drink And asked the barman what the horse was all about.
Barman - "See that large jar of money up there, if you can make the Horse laugh, the money's yours".
With that the man walked up to the horse and whispered in its ear. The Horse immediately fell into hysterical fits of laughter. The barman is Astonished and handed over the money. Several weeks later the man walked back into the pub and again the Horse is sitting in the corner.
Barman - "Hello again, I've a new challenge for you. If you can make The horse cry you get the new jar of money".
With this the man walked over to the horse, fidgeted a bit and Whispered in its ear. The horse then burst into tears, water streaming Down it's face. The barman is dumbfounded and hands over the money yet again.
Barman - "How did you do it?"
Man - " Well, to make it laugh I told the horse I had a bigger dick than He did and to make it cry I proved it".

Thanatos · 28th October 2005, 11:17 AM

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.

In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, ''May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony!'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: ''No thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''

invisible_girl · 28th October 2005, 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

A man walked into a pub, as he strolled across to the bar he spotted a Horse sitting in the corner. When he got to the bar he ordered a drink And asked the barman what the horse was all about.
Barman - "See that large jar of money up there, if you can make the Horse laugh, the money's yours".
With that the man walked up to the horse and whispered in its ear. The Horse immediately fell into hysterical fits of laughter. The barman is Astonished and handed over the money. Several weeks later the man walked back into the pub and again the Horse is sitting in the corner.
Barman - "Hello again, I've a new challenge for you. If you can make The horse cry you get the new jar of money".
With this the man walked over to the horse, fidgeted a bit and Whispered in its ear. The horse then burst into tears, water streaming Down it's face. The barman is dumbfounded and hands over the money yet again.
Barman - "How did you do it?"
Man - " Well, to make it laugh I told the horse I had a bigger dick than He did and to make it cry I proved it".

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahaha..................lmao!!!!!

4273stuart · 29th October 2005, 04:14 AM

A guy in a pickup truck was driving home one night when he Saw a nun at the side of the road. He swerved over and asked The nun if she needed a ride. After saying yes, the nun got Into the truck. The driver asked the nun if it was true what Every one said about nuns and they can't have sex.
The nun Replied "yes unless its an act of charity."
The guy then told the nun how he had cnacer and was oing to die but didnt want to die a virgin and asked if she would be able to help
to which the nun replied, "I suppose it is an act of charity but we can only do it anal so i keep my faith?"
So after their "quickie" the driver Of the truck said, "I have a confession to make. I'm not really dying of cancer and have sex lts of times."
The nun stood up and Said, "I have a confession to make too. My name is bob and I Just came from a costume party."

4273stuart · 30th October 2005, 06:15 AM

Two nuns go on a shopping trip to France, to load up with duty free. On the way back they are just going to drive through 'Nothing to declare' but a customs officer waves them in to the side.
The first nun says to the mother superior who is driving, "Don't worry mother, just show them your cross."
So she winds the window down, leans out and shouts, "Fuck off!"

maz · 31st October 2005, 11:59 AM

A 17 year old guy walks into a pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist (bragging) "Yeah, my girlfriend is starting to get really hot for some good lovin. I think it's time that I buy some condoms so that I can give it to her good. Tonight we are going to have dinner at her parents house and then going out to inspiration point". The pharmacist recomends a brand of condoms. The guy buys them and leaves.

Later that night at the parents house the family and the guy sit down to dinner. The guy asks to say grace. The family obliges. He starts "Dear god, Please protect us and forgive us for our sins," as he continues his speech gets more and more religious. He begs for forgiveness, he asks for world peace, he wishes that everyone could be all knowing. As he continues the family (and his girlfriend) sit in amazement. Finally he finishes, 'God bless us every one."

"Wow" his girlfriend says, "I didn't know you were so relgious."

"Yeah well, I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist".

4273stuart · 1st November 2005, 06:03 AM

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.
"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."
"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment."
"Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied.
"I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time."
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"

jynx · 1st November 2005, 03:46 PM

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island. They lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for
men and women to do..... After several years of casual s*x, all the time,Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having s*x with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed
herself.
It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and,
after a while nature once more took its inevitable course (well, men have needs...)
Well, a couple more months went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

so they burried her.

jynx · 1st November 2005, 03:49 PM

a woman walks in to a bar and asks for an inuendo so he gave her one

Theres 2 goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says 'Do you know how to drive this then'.

25th October 2005, 11:16 PM	#318 (permalink)
evilheartedyou Uh oh! Spaghettio! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: glasglayglo Posts: 1,187	noo I like your jokes! we'll all give you pos rep to make up for it

25th October 2005, 11:33 PM	#319 (permalink)
hooligan Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Posts: 1,722	i get bad rep telling me to stop posting pretty much everything, but i dont, so dont stop the jokes.

26th October 2005, 07:52 PM	#320 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	well one person gave bad feedback but loads want more jokes so the jokes continue! A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year. After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, “More blankets.” Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, “More food.” The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he’s drained by the long work days. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, “I’m leaving.” “Good,” the head monk replies. “You’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here.”

28th October 2005, 04:35 AM	#321 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A man walked into a pub, as he strolled across to the bar he spotted a Horse sitting in the corner. When he got to the bar he ordered a drink And asked the barman what the horse was all about. Barman - "See that large jar of money up there, if you can make the Horse laugh, the money's yours". With that the man walked up to the horse and whispered in its ear. The Horse immediately fell into hysterical fits of laughter. The barman is Astonished and handed over the money. Several weeks later the man walked back into the pub and again the Horse is sitting in the corner. Barman - "Hello again, I've a new challenge for you. If you can make The horse cry you get the new jar of money". With this the man walked over to the horse, fidgeted a bit and Whispered in its ear. The horse then burst into tears, water streaming Down it's face. The barman is dumbfounded and hands over the money yet again. Barman - "How did you do it?" Man - " Well, to make it laugh I told the horse I had a bigger dick than He did and to make it cry I proved it".

28th October 2005, 11:17 AM	#322 (permalink)
Thanatos Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Dundee Posts: 1,001	An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, ''May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony!'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: ''No thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''

29th October 2005, 04:14 AM	#324 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A guy in a pickup truck was driving home one night when he Saw a nun at the side of the road. He swerved over and asked The nun if she needed a ride. After saying yes, the nun got Into the truck. The driver asked the nun if it was true what Every one said about nuns and they can't have sex. The nun Replied "yes unless its an act of charity." The guy then told the nun how he had cnacer and was oing to die but didnt want to die a virgin and asked if she would be able to help to which the nun replied, "I suppose it is an act of charity but we can only do it anal so i keep my faith?" So after their "quickie" the driver Of the truck said, "I have a confession to make. I'm not really dying of cancer and have sex lts of times." The nun stood up and Said, "I have a confession to make too. My name is bob and I Just came from a costume party."

30th October 2005, 06:15 AM	#325 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Two nuns go on a shopping trip to France, to load up with duty free. On the way back they are just going to drive through 'Nothing to declare' but a customs officer waves them in to the side. The first nun says to the mother superior who is driving, "Don't worry mother, just show them your cross." So she winds the window down, leans out and shouts, "Fuck off!"

31st October 2005, 11:59 AM	#326 (permalink)
maz Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Scotland, Dundee Posts: 1,104	A 17 year old guy walks into a pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist (bragging) "Yeah, my girlfriend is starting to get really hot for some good lovin. I think it's time that I buy some condoms so that I can give it to her good. Tonight we are going to have dinner at her parents house and then going out to inspiration point". The pharmacist recomends a brand of condoms. The guy buys them and leaves. Later that night at the parents house the family and the guy sit down to dinner. The guy asks to say grace. The family obliges. He starts "Dear god, Please protect us and forgive us for our sins," as he continues his speech gets more and more religious. He begs for forgiveness, he asks for world peace, he wishes that everyone could be all knowing. As he continues the family (and his girlfriend) sit in amazement. Finally he finishes, 'God bless us every one." "Wow" his girlfriend says, "I didn't know you were so relgious." "Yeah well, I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist".

1st November 2005, 06:03 AM	#327 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven." "You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment." "Is there anything which your holiness desires?" "Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time." Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God. Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"

1st November 2005, 03:46 PM	#328 (permalink)
jynx Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Dundee Posts: 642	A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island. They lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do..... After several years of casual sx, all the time,Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sx with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course (well, men have needs...) Well, a couple more months went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. so they burried her.

1st November 2005, 03:49 PM	#329 (permalink)
jynx Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Dundee Posts: 642	a woman walks in to a bar and asks for an inuendo so he gave her one Theres 2 goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says 'Do you know how to drive this then'.