jokes - Page 23

ZenElements · 1st November 2005, 04:13 PM

Every time I'm asked for a joke I usually tell this one. It is old, it not very funny but it appeals to me so:
A man walks in to a bar and says ouch... ta da... see, told you!

Maybe this will redeam the above:
Question - Why does Noddy have a red and yellow car....
Answer - Because he is a (Swear word)... Starts with 'C'... you know... ends in 'T'... any more of this and it will be a (Swear word)ing riddle not a joke... to late...

4273stuart · 3rd November 2005, 03:32 PM

Mary goes up to the Priest after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...".

4273stuart · 4th November 2005, 06:50 PM

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."

4273stuart · 6th November 2005, 04:39 AM

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

Going Gone · 6th November 2005, 03:10 PM

ZenElements · 6th November 2005, 03:20 PM

Man walks into a bar one day and sits down, orders a drink. Picks up and takes a drink. He turns to notice a little man sitting down playing a piano and turns and talks to the guy who appears to be with him and asks, 'excuse me but... who is this?'

The man explains that he just talked to the genie in the corner of the pub and that he granted him one wish for a drink. So immediately the man orders a drink and runs over to the genie and asks him to grant him a wish, which the genie agrees to... 'I wish for a Million Bucks' the man says.
Just then the door fly’s open and thousands of ducks fly and walk in the bar.

He runs back over to the guy at the bar and asks what happened to which the man replies: ‘Well, did you really think I asked for a 12” Pianist?’

4273stuart · 7th November 2005, 04:08 AM

Three guys are applying for a job with the CIA. They get all the way to the final test. So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. He lays it on his desk in front of the guy.
Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head."
The guy looks at him and says, "No way."
So the director says, "You fail."
The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it.
The director says, "You fail."
So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up.
The director goes, "What happened to you?"
Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke the bitch to death."

4273stuart · 7th November 2005, 12:14 PM

John is walking home loaded late one night and smacks into a tree. He backs up, and then walks into the tree again. Twice more the same thing happens. He says, "This is just terrific. I should have been home two hours ago, and here I am lost in the forest."

Shawman · 7th November 2005, 12:21 PM

any chance of some short jokes that i can be arsed reading?

i always get lost in long jokes

4273stuart · 7th November 2005, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shawman

any chance of some short jokes that i can be arsed reading?

i always get lost in long jokes

the last one was short

Shawman · 7th November 2005, 12:27 PM

got lost at the word tree

ZenElements · 7th November 2005, 05:47 PM

What is:
White, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, red, white, black, white, red , black, red, white, black, red, black, white, red, white, red, black, white, red, white, red, black....

A Penguin rolling down a rock face...

Note: No Penguins were harmed in this joke

4273stuart · 9th November 2005, 08:43 AM

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds.
The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that.
So the wife went on the ride by herself.
The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

4273stuart · 9th November 2005, 05:54 PM

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

ZenElements · 9th November 2005, 06:05 PM

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor says the man. I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me."

1st November 2005, 04:13 PM	#331 (permalink)
ZenElements Registered User Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Scotland \| Dundee Posts: 118	Every time I'm asked for a joke I usually tell this one. It is old, it not very funny but it appeals to me so: A man walks in to a bar and says ouch... ta da... see, told you! Maybe this will redeam the above: Question - Why does Noddy have a red and yellow car.... Answer - Because he is a (Swear word)... Starts with 'C'... you know... ends in 'T'... any more of this and it will be a (Swear word)ing riddle not a joke... to late...

3rd November 2005, 03:32 PM	#332 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Mary goes up to the Priest after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...".

4th November 2005, 06:50 PM	#333 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice." The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody."

6th November 2005, 04:39 AM	#334 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?" In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

6th November 2005, 03:10 PM	#335 (permalink)
Going Gone Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 2,410

6th November 2005, 03:20 PM	#336 (permalink)
ZenElements Registered User Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Scotland \| Dundee Posts: 118	Man walks into a bar one day and sits down, orders a drink. Picks up and takes a drink. He turns to notice a little man sitting down playing a piano and turns and talks to the guy who appears to be with him and asks, 'excuse me but... who is this?' The man explains that he just talked to the genie in the corner of the pub and that he granted him one wish for a drink. So immediately the man orders a drink and runs over to the genie and asks him to grant him a wish, which the genie agrees to... 'I wish for a Million Bucks' the man says. Just then the door fly’s open and thousands of ducks fly and walk in the bar. He runs back over to the guy at the bar and asks what happened to which the man replies: ‘Well, did you really think I asked for a 12” Pianist?’

7th November 2005, 04:08 AM	#337 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Three guys are applying for a job with the CIA. They get all the way to the final test. So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. He lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says, "No way." So the director says, "You fail." The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it. The director says, "You fail." So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke the bitch to death."

7th November 2005, 12:14 PM	#338 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	John is walking home loaded late one night and smacks into a tree. He backs up, and then walks into the tree again. Twice more the same thing happens. He says, "This is just terrific. I should have been home two hours ago, and here I am lost in the forest."

7th November 2005, 12:21 PM	#339 (permalink)
Shawman Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Kirriemuir (fun) Posts: 2,556 Band: Darkened Place (bass)	any chance of some short jokes that i can be arsed reading? i always get lost in long jokes

7th November 2005, 12:27 PM	#341 (permalink)
Shawman Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Kirriemuir (fun) Posts: 2,556 Band: Darkened Place (bass)	got lost at the word tree

7th November 2005, 05:47 PM	#342 (permalink)
ZenElements Registered User Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Scotland \| Dundee Posts: 118	What is: White, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, red, white, black, white, red , black, red, white, black, red, black, white, red, white, red, black, white, red, white, red, black.... A Penguin rolling down a rock face... Note: No Penguins were harmed in this joke

9th November 2005, 08:43 AM	#343 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

9th November 2005, 05:54 PM	#344 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

9th November 2005, 06:05 PM	#345 (permalink)
ZenElements Registered User Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Scotland \| Dundee Posts: 118	A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor says the man. I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me."