jokes - Page 24

4273stuart · 10th November 2005, 07:40 PM

The Queen and the Pope are guests of honour at the Annual England vs Ireland football Match.

Both are getting right into the feel of things and the Queen leans over to the Pope and says, "I bet I can make all the English People in the crowd cheer wildly with a simple hand gesture."

The Pope looks at her disbelievingly, so the Queen does her famous wave and all the English people in the crowd cheer wildly as one.

The Pope leans over and says to the Queen, "That was nothing...I bet I can make all of the Irish People in the crowd party wildy for a week with just the nod of my head."

The Queens says, "Well that is totally unbelievable - let's see."

A split second later the Pope Head butts her......

4273stuart · 10th November 2005, 07:41 PM

A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it."

The guy next to him looks over and says, "Impressive, can you make me one too?"

ZenElements · 11th November 2005, 12:23 PM

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"
Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."

Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."

To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."

NOTE: who here doesn't have at least one complaint about Bills small penis... Microsoft, I meant microsoft...

Pubic Wig · 11th November 2005, 12:28 PM

Jesus of Nazereth is at a party, doing his usual party tricks of water into wine and raising the dead and such, suddenly he hears a load noise outside.
he runs to the door and looks out at a crowd preparing to stone a naked woman to death. Before they throw their rocks he runs out by her side...
"Wait!!! Let you how are without sin cast the first rock!"
...the crowd goes silent as Jesus looks each one in the eyes...
Suddenly, from the back of the crowd a rock flies out, hits the woman in the temple and drops her to the ground...the crowd and Jesus are in shock.
One lone old woman starts cackling nastily.
Jesus looks at her and sighs...
"blast in Mother, not again"

diagnosismurder · 11th November 2005, 03:02 PM

It's Saturday morning and Bob's on the golf course. He then remembers that he forgot to tell his wife that the plumber was coming round at 12 so he goes back to the club house to phone her. A young girl answers the phone.

"Hey honey, it's daddy. Can you get mummy for me?" Bob says.

The girl replies "I can't because mummy is in the bedroom with uncle Frank."

"But you don't have an uncle Frank honey."

"Yes I do and he's upstairs with mummy in the bedroom."

Bob thinks for a second and then says "OK, here's what I want you to do. I want you to go upstairs and shout "Mummy! Daddy's just pulled up in the driveway!". Can you do that for me?"

"Yeah ok."

A few minutes later the girl picks up the phone and says "Daddy, I did what you wanted."

"What happened?" asks Bob.

"Mummy jumped up and started to panic and fell out the window and died."
There is a short pause. Eventually Bob asks "And uncle Frank?"

"He also started to panic and decided to jump out the front window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot the swimming pool is empty because it's being cleaned so he fell and died."

There is another short pause. Bob then says "Hang on, swimming pool? Is this 555-234?"

ZenElements · 11th November 2005, 05:50 PM

You would think that I didn't like Microsoft...

If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, go on to be told that you have performed illegal operations and finally it would crash.

4273stuart · 14th November 2005, 03:38 PM

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: 'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?'

The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.'

The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?' The mother replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.'

The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.'

manicidol · 16th November 2005, 02:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: 'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?'

The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.'

The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?' The mother replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.'

The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.'

haha, class!!

ZenElements · 16th November 2005, 10:33 AM

One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton, Colin Powell, and Bill Gates. He said to them, ''I've called you here because you are the 3 most influential spokepersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he's blowing up the world tommorrow.''

So, Bill Clinton went back and said, ''Fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a God, and the bad news is he's blowing up the world tommorrow.''

Colin Powell went back and said, ''I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is a God and the good news is he's blowing up the world tommorrow.''

Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the Internet and said, '' I have some good news. The first part of the good news is I've been voted one of the 3 most influential spokespersons in the world. The other good news is the Y2K problem is solved.''

NOTE: Now I'm just SEARCHING for these

4273stuart · 17th November 2005, 06:54 PM

A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on he ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworths manager came out and unplugged it

Going Gone · 18th November 2005, 12:52 PM

I love this thread.

4273stuart · 19th November 2005, 03:36 PM

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000."
He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."
The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this."
He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman.
Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow with a snatch like a woman, and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."

Lynnie · 19th November 2005, 04:13 PM

I want to know jokes, i dont know any good ones

This thread is helping me be funny

Shawman · 19th November 2005, 10:11 PM

here's a good one...

staying in on a saturday fucking night!

A Quatorze · 19th November 2005, 10:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lynnie

I want to know jokes, i dont know any good ones

This thread is helping me be funny

Ask 4273stuart for a link.

M

10th November 2005, 07:40 PM	#346 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	The Queen and the Pope are guests of honour at the Annual England vs Ireland football Match. Both are getting right into the feel of things and the Queen leans over to the Pope and says, "I bet I can make all the English People in the crowd cheer wildly with a simple hand gesture." The Pope looks at her disbelievingly, so the Queen does her famous wave and all the English people in the crowd cheer wildly as one. The Pope leans over and says to the Queen, "That was nothing...I bet I can make all of the Irish People in the crowd party wildy for a week with just the nod of my head." The Queens says, "Well that is totally unbelievable - let's see." A split second later the Pope Head butts her......

10th November 2005, 07:41 PM	#347 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it." The guy next to him looks over and says, "Impressive, can you make me one too?"

11th November 2005, 12:23 PM	#348 (permalink)
ZenElements Registered User Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Scotland \| Dundee Posts: 118	Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!" Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune." Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date. They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine." To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft." NOTE: who here doesn't have at least one complaint about Bills small penis... Microsoft, I meant microsoft...

11th November 2005, 12:28 PM	#349 (permalink)
Pubic Wig Dark Lord of the Sith Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Scumdee and Stirling Posts: 1,884 Band: 'Im The Juggernaught Bitch!' - working title	Jesus of Nazereth is at a party, doing his usual party tricks of water into wine and raising the dead and such, suddenly he hears a load noise outside. he runs to the door and looks out at a crowd preparing to stone a naked woman to death. Before they throw their rocks he runs out by her side... "Wait!!! Let you how are without sin cast the first rock!" ...the crowd goes silent as Jesus looks each one in the eyes... Suddenly, from the back of the crowd a rock flies out, hits the woman in the temple and drops her to the ground...the crowd and Jesus are in shock. One lone old woman starts cackling nastily. Jesus looks at her and sighs... "blast in Mother, not again"

11th November 2005, 03:02 PM	#350 (permalink)
diagnosismurder Registered User Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 214	It's Saturday morning and Bob's on the golf course. He then remembers that he forgot to tell his wife that the plumber was coming round at 12 so he goes back to the club house to phone her. A young girl answers the phone. "Hey honey, it's daddy. Can you get mummy for me?" Bob says. The girl replies "I can't because mummy is in the bedroom with uncle Frank." "But you don't have an uncle Frank honey." "Yes I do and he's upstairs with mummy in the bedroom." Bob thinks for a second and then says "OK, here's what I want you to do. I want you to go upstairs and shout "Mummy! Daddy's just pulled up in the driveway!". Can you do that for me?" "Yeah ok." A few minutes later the girl picks up the phone and says "Daddy, I did what you wanted." "What happened?" asks Bob. "Mummy jumped up and started to panic and fell out the window and died." There is a short pause. Eventually Bob asks "And uncle Frank?" "He also started to panic and decided to jump out the front window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot the swimming pool is empty because it's being cleaned so he fell and died." There is another short pause. Bob then says "Hang on, swimming pool? Is this 555-234?"

11th November 2005, 05:50 PM	#351 (permalink)
ZenElements Registered User Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Scotland \| Dundee Posts: 118	You would think that I didn't like Microsoft... If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, go on to be told that you have performed illegal operations and finally it would crash.

14th November 2005, 03:38 PM	#352 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A little boy goes up to his father and asks: 'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?' The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.' The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?' The mother replies: 'Hell yes I would!' The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.' The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!' He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.'

16th November 2005, 10:33 AM	#354 (permalink)
ZenElements Registered User Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Scotland \| Dundee Posts: 118	One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton, Colin Powell, and Bill Gates. He said to them, ''I've called you here because you are the 3 most influential spokepersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he's blowing up the world tommorrow.'' So, Bill Clinton went back and said, ''Fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a God, and the bad news is he's blowing up the world tommorrow.'' Colin Powell went back and said, ''I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is a God and the good news is he's blowing up the world tommorrow.'' Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the Internet and said, '' I have some good news. The first part of the good news is I've been voted one of the 3 most influential spokespersons in the world. The other good news is the Y2K problem is solved.'' NOTE: Now I'm just SEARCHING for these

17th November 2005, 06:54 PM	#355 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on he ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworths manager came out and unplugged it

18th November 2005, 12:52 PM	#356 (permalink)
Going Gone Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 2,410	I love this thread.

19th November 2005, 03:36 PM	#357 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000." He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman. Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow with a snatch like a woman, and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."

19th November 2005, 04:13 PM	#358 (permalink)
Lynnie Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Fragglerock Posts: 982	I want to know jokes, i dont know any good ones This thread is helping me be funny

19th November 2005, 10:11 PM	#359 (permalink)
Shawman Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Kirriemuir (fun) Posts: 2,556 Band: Darkened Place (bass)	here's a good one... staying in on a saturday fucking night!