jokes - Page 26

Thanatos · 30th November 2005, 12:20 PM

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Avenged · 30th November 2005, 12:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thanatos

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

thats horrible! lol

4273stuart · 3rd December 2005, 05:48 PM

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her.

She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

jynx · 4th December 2005, 02:10 AM

Sheila the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce.
"Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it."
Cobba said, "Lets try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?"
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her" replied Cobba.
"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."
"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."

4273stuart · 6th December 2005, 09:10 PM

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.'
The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out.
The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on.
The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"

4273stuart · 6th December 2005, 09:11 PM

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the woman behind the counter, "Is there a male pharmacist available?"
"No" she says, "My sister and I own this place and we are both pharmacists. How can we help you?"
The man steps back, opens his coat revealing this rather large bulge in the front of his pants and says, "Its been like this for 7 days now, can you give me anything for it?"
"Hmmm", says the woman, "Let me go consult my sister."
Moments later she returns and says, "OK, we'll give you $400 cash and a half interest in the pharmacy."

4273stuart · 8th December 2005, 06:05 PM

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from." Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

4273stuart · 12th December 2005, 04:18 AM

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!"

"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?"

"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."

4273stuart · 13th December 2005, 04:14 AM

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides, it's worth a try.
The husband finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines..... no pulse.... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.
The husband is standing there pulling up his pants and says,"I think she choked."

ZenElements · 13th December 2005, 04:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides, it's worth a try.
The husband finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines..... no pulse.... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.
The husband is standing there pulling up his pants and says,"I think she choked."

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to 4273stuart again. *Claps instead*

maz · 13th December 2005, 05:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides, it's worth a try.
The husband finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines..... no pulse.... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.
The husband is standing there pulling up his pants and says,"I think she choked."

your reapeting yourself now hun

4273stuart · 13th December 2005, 04:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maz

your reapeting yourself now hun

Am I OH GOD NOOOOOOO!!!!!! well i suppose it was 4am

A nun and a priest are crossing the desert on a camel when the camel collapses and dies. They try giving it artificial respiration, they try pounding on its heart, but the camel is as dead as a doornail.
The nun says to the priest, "Father, we are for certain going to die. Will you please do me one favor? I have never seen what a man has between his legs. Would you please show it to me?"
The priest sees no reason to not grant this one simple request, so he starts to open up his pants to show the nun his manhood. Of course, by the time he gets the thing out, he's got this incredible hard-on that pops its head up high and proud.
The nun is in awe. She says, "My God, father, what's that?"
The priest says, "This, my child, is what gives life."
The nun says, "Well, then, why don't you shove it up that camel's ass so we can get the fuck out of here?"

4273stuart · 13th December 2005, 04:29 PM

thought i would do two today to make up for repetition

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Gazz · 17th December 2005, 02:23 AM

An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."

Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him,
turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

30th November 2005, 12:20 PM	#376 (permalink)
Thanatos Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Dundee Posts: 1,001	Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home. The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!" "That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read: "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

3rd December 2005, 05:48 PM	#378 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls."

4th December 2005, 02:10 AM	#379 (permalink)
jynx Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Dundee Posts: 642	Sheila the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it." Cobba said, "Lets try Plan B." "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her" replied Cobba. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?" "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."

6th December 2005, 09:10 PM	#380 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.' The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on. The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in. A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"

6th December 2005, 09:11 PM	#381 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the woman behind the counter, "Is there a male pharmacist available?" "No" she says, "My sister and I own this place and we are both pharmacists. How can we help you?" The man steps back, opens his coat revealing this rather large bulge in the front of his pants and says, "Its been like this for 7 days now, can you give me anything for it?" "Hmmm", says the woman, "Let me go consult my sister." Moments later she returns and says, "OK, we'll give you $400 cash and a half interest in the pharmacy."

8th December 2005, 06:05 PM	#382 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from." Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

12th December 2005, 04:18 AM	#383 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A man came home from work sporting two black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked his wife. "I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!" "I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?" "Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."

13th December 2005, 04:14 AM	#384 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides, it's worth a try. The husband finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines..... no pulse.... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there pulling up his pants and says,"I think she choked."

13th December 2005, 04:29 PM	#388 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	thought i would do two today to make up for repetition A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. " "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

17th December 2005, 02:23 AM	#389 (permalink)
Gazz c h r o m a k e y e r Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Dundee, Scotland. Posts: 967 Band: i'm involved with your mum	An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"