jokes - Page 28

Thanatos · 20th December 2005, 12:08 PM

stop spamming on the jokes thread bitches!

krashd · 20th December 2005, 12:16 PM

superman and captain america are hanging out on a manhatten rooftop talking about sex and superman is complainin' about his sex life and how metropolis is too full of crime to get any time off for a night out.

SM "I'm the man of steel with the strength of 10 men and i have the balls of an elephant, it's no joke dude, this is ridiculous."

CA "you're superman though, you can have anyone you want, just whip in and out, split second and you're done."

SM "yeah, but i'm superman, i can't go around raping folk."

CA" well look down there, there's a woman in central park, naked as the day she was born with her legs open. go for it."

SM "you think?"

CA "yeah."

so superman darts down, thrusts for 2 eighths of a second, cums and darts back up.

CA "hahaha, you're the bomb Clarke."

SM "sshhhhh, no first names trevor."

back in central park the naked lady is quite shaken as she's not sure what just happened.

Lady "what the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man "I dunno, but my arsehole is stingin' like hell!"

4273stuart · 20th December 2005, 02:17 PM

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
"Open the fucking safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank," she replies. "We don't have any money, this is a sperm bank."
"Don't argue, open the fucking safe or I'll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it," he says as he waves the shotgun in a threatening manner.
She pries the cap off and gulps it down. "Take out another one and drink it too," he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the woman's amazement it's her husband.
"There," he says "It's not that fucking difficult, is it?"

Darkyin · 20th December 2005, 11:03 PM

I saw that last one on a birthday card where i used to work.
Except without the swearing obviously.

4273stuart · 21st December 2005, 02:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darkyin

I saw that last one on a birthday card where i used to work.
Except without the swearing obviously.

classy card

4273stuart · 21st December 2005, 02:04 AM

It's springtime, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His legs are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes.
His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?"
He says, "Hibernate? I thought you said masturbate!"

4273stuart · 23rd December 2005, 04:53 AM

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."

4273stuart · 23rd December 2005, 04:54 AM

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" the guy says. "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

Darkyin · 23rd December 2005, 10:01 PM

Ew
just Ew.

4273stuart · 25th December 2005, 01:54 PM

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again. This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day. The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear... "I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of here."

4273stuart · 27th December 2005, 05:39 AM

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything.
So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.
So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........ "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

4273stuart · 27th December 2005, 05:43 AM

wee bit late but of a christmas theme
Santa Claus is delivering his presents on Christmas Eve When he comes to shannon elizabeth's house.
She was getting changed when he came. She said, "Santa will you please stay with me tonight?"
Santa replies "Ho Ho Ho I've gotta go I've got presents to deliver You know." shannon takes off her bra and says, "Santa will you please stay with Me tonight?"
Santa replies "Ho Ho Ho I've gotta go I've got presents to deliver You know."
shannon takes off her undies and says, "Santa will you please stay with Me tonight?"
Santa says, "Hey Hey Hey, I think I'll stay, I can't fit up the chimney With my dick this way."

4273stuart · 27th December 2005, 05:44 AM

A little boy at Christmas time is writing to Santa.
He writes, "Dear Santa, I've been a good boy all year, please can I have a bike."
Then he thinks that's not quite true, so he starts again and writes, "Dear Santa, I've been good all week, please can I have a bike,"
but again he thinks it's not quite true, so he writes another letter. This time he writes, "Dear Santa, I've been good all day, please can I have a bike."
He's still not happy with it however and he thinks, 'Christmas isn't just about Santa.'
So he runs downstairs and grabs the toy Mary from the nativity set. He takes the model back up to his room and writes a fourth letter.
"Dear Jesus, I've got your mother and if you want to see her again, send me a bike."

*Lyndsey* · 27th December 2005, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

wee bit late but of a christmas theme
Santa Claus is delivering his presents on Christmas Eve When he comes to shannon elizabeth's house.
She was getting changed when he came. She said, "Santa will you please stay with me tonight?"
Santa replies "Ho Ho Ho I've gotta go I've got presents to deliver You know." shannon takes off her bra and says, "Santa will you please stay with Me tonight?"
Santa replies "Ho Ho Ho I've gotta go I've got presents to deliver You know."
shannon takes off her undies and says, "Santa will you please stay with Me tonight?"
Santa says, "Hey Hey Hey, I think I'll stay, I can't fit up the chimney With my dick this way."

haha i read that in take a break

Darkyin · 27th December 2005, 10:10 PM

20th December 2005, 12:08 PM	#406 (permalink)
Thanatos Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Dundee Posts: 1,001	stop spamming on the jokes thread bitches!

20th December 2005, 12:16 PM	#407 (permalink)
krashd Senior Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: Kirktonia Posts: 2,064 Band: Crosby, Stills, Nash, krashd and Young	superman and captain america are hanging out on a manhatten rooftop talking about sex and superman is complainin' about his sex life and how metropolis is too full of crime to get any time off for a night out. SM "I'm the man of steel with the strength of 10 men and i have the balls of an elephant, it's no joke dude, this is ridiculous." CA "you're superman though, you can have anyone you want, just whip in and out, split second and you're done." SM "yeah, but i'm superman, i can't go around raping folk." CA" well look down there, there's a woman in central park, naked as the day she was born with her legs open. go for it." SM "you think?" CA "yeah." so superman darts down, thrusts for 2 eighths of a second, cums and darts back up. CA "hahaha, you're the bomb Clarke." SM "sshhhhh, no first names trevor." back in central park the naked lady is quite shaken as she's not sure what just happened. Lady "what the hell was that?" The Invisible Man "I dunno, but my arsehole is stingin' like hell!"

20th December 2005, 02:17 PM	#408 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the fucking safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank," she replies. "We don't have any money, this is a sperm bank." "Don't argue, open the fucking safe or I'll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it." "But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously. "Don't argue, just drink it," he says as he waves the shotgun in a threatening manner. She pries the cap off and gulps it down. "Take out another one and drink it too," he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the woman's amazement it's her husband. "There," he says "It's not that fucking difficult, is it?"

20th December 2005, 11:03 PM	#409 (permalink)
Darkyin Registered User Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Riding this worm for all it's got. Posts: 104 Band: NONE! :D	I saw that last one on a birthday card where i used to work. Except without the swearing obviously.

21st December 2005, 02:04 AM	#411 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	It's springtime, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His legs are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes. His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?" He says, "Hibernate? I thought you said masturbate!"

23rd December 2005, 04:53 AM	#412 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."

23rd December 2005, 04:54 AM	#413 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Guy takes his wife to the Doctor... The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS." "What do you mean?" the guy says. "You can't tell the difference?" "Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

23rd December 2005, 10:01 PM	#414 (permalink)
Darkyin Registered User Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Riding this worm for all it's got. Posts: 104 Band: NONE! :D	Ew just Ew.

25th December 2005, 01:54 PM	#415 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again. This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day. The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear... "I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of here."

27th December 2005, 05:39 AM	#416 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster. So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........ "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

27th December 2005, 05:43 AM	#417 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	wee bit late but of a christmas theme Santa Claus is delivering his presents on Christmas Eve When he comes to shannon elizabeth's house. She was getting changed when he came. She said, "Santa will you please stay with me tonight?" Santa replies "Ho Ho Ho I've gotta go I've got presents to deliver You know." shannon takes off her bra and says, "Santa will you please stay with Me tonight?" Santa replies "Ho Ho Ho I've gotta go I've got presents to deliver You know." shannon takes off her undies and says, "Santa will you please stay with Me tonight?" Santa says, "Hey Hey Hey, I think I'll stay, I can't fit up the chimney With my dick this way."

27th December 2005, 05:44 AM	#418 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A little boy at Christmas time is writing to Santa. He writes, "Dear Santa, I've been a good boy all year, please can I have a bike." Then he thinks that's not quite true, so he starts again and writes, "Dear Santa, I've been good all week, please can I have a bike," but again he thinks it's not quite true, so he writes another letter. This time he writes, "Dear Santa, I've been good all day, please can I have a bike." He's still not happy with it however and he thinks, 'Christmas isn't just about Santa.' So he runs downstairs and grabs the toy Mary from the nativity set. He takes the model back up to his room and writes a fourth letter. "Dear Jesus, I've got your mother and if you want to see her again, send me a bike."

27th December 2005, 10:10 PM	#420 (permalink)
Darkyin Registered User Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Riding this worm for all it's got. Posts: 104 Band: NONE! :D