jokes

[4273stuart]

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.
"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

[4273stuart]

should move this thread to its own forum or into the lounge! would boost my rating somewhat I think

[4273stuart]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

[4273stuart]

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. " Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[4273stuart]

After insulting the female genie from the magic bottle, Carlos makes his wish: "To wake up with 3 women in my bed."
She says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.
The next morning, Carlos wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken and he has no health insurance.

[4273stuart]

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.
Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said, "Father, I'm cold."
He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."
He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own fucking blanket!"

[krashd]

*bows to stuart, lord of jokes*


3 cowboys are sitting round a campfire telling wild west stories when the first cowboy says "you know, i must be the meanest son of a bitch around, just the other day i wrestled a raging bull to the ground and broke it's neck with my bare hands after it had already gored 6 men!"

the second cowboy not wanting to be outdone said "that's nothing, once i was being strangled by a fifteen feet python and i still managed to free myself and tie a knot in it!"

at this point the first 2 cowboys looked over at the 3rd, who had remained silent throughout and who continued to remain quiet as he stoked the campfire with his cock.

[4273stuart]

Originally Posted by krashd

*bows to stuart, lord of jokes*

I am touched I really am!


suppose its why i get medication

[4273stuart]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers!
The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either!
The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers!
Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."

[4273stuart]

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and The time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself she came To a conclusion.
The quickest and surest way would be to shoot herself through the Heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart Was, So she phoned her doctor and asked him.
He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left Nipple.
She shot herself in the left kneecap.

[4273stuart]

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.
He tells her what the doc told him.
She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

[4273stuart]

I hope people still liking this thread not had any comments in a while

since put a load of crap ones on for a while here's a classic

There's this kid who lives on a farm.
He comes home from school, in a really bad mood.
He sees a pig and kicks it.
Then he sees a chicken and kicks that.
Then he walks into the house.
"I saw you kick those animals", his mother said, "For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week."
The kid's about to say something, when his father walks in the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat.
The kid says to his mother, "You want to tell him, or should I?"

[manicidol]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".

[chrono]

In Moby Dick why was Captain Ahab so determined to catch that pesky whale?


He needed a porpoise in life!