jokes

[evilheartedyou]

heh I heard one like that about a teacher in class asking her pupils what bit goes to heaven first when they die, or something like that ehhh

anyway, one girl says, "your hands cos they're in front of you when you pray" and another boy says, "no no, it's your legs"

The teacher asks why and the boy says "I saw mum lying in bed with her legs in the air shouting "god I'm coming" but it was ok cos dad was holding her down"

[4273stuart]

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.
This goes on for a while, until his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The father yells back, "Fuck you! I told you yesterday I needed more tail and you told me to go fly a kite!"

[thomasjmaccoll]

brilliant, and great to see a return of the jokes

[4273stuart]

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him since he only had 24 hours to live.
"Of course Darling," she replied. And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion.
He taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees. After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"
She turns to him with a sour look on her face and says, "You know....... you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"

[4273stuart]

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs" ... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

[4273stuart]

The confession line was very long and the priest needed to use the bathroom badly.
He called in one of the alter boys and asked him to fill-in for a minute. The priest gave him a list of sins & penance. Just match them up.
The first women confessed to giving the neighbor a blowjob and anal sex.
These weren't on the list, so the alter boy asked another alter boy, "What does the father give for anal sex and a blowjob?"
"He usually gives me a bag of crisps and a coke."

[4273stuart]

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was!
Drop dead blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers license...?"
"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute," said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.
After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes," replied the officer.
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. It's..... inappropriate," exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me..... just do it," said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs, "Oh no ... not ANOTHER breathalyzer."

[4273stuart]

A drunk is staggering along wagging his keys.
A cop comes up and says, "What's the matter, buddy?"
The drunk says, "Somebody stole my car."
The cop says, "For Christmas sakes, go home and sober up. And will you pull up your zipper?"
The drunk looks down and says, "Oh, no. They got my girl, too."

[4273stuart]

One morning a lady says to her husband as he's walking out the door to work, "I bet you don't know what day it is.
"He says, "Of course I do."
At 11 o'clock, the doorbell rings, and when she answers it, a delivery boy hands her a dozen red roses.
At 2 o'clock, a box of her favorite chocolates arrives.
Later, a boutique delivers a designer dress.
When her husband walks in from work, she says, "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress...I've never had such a wonderful Groundhog Day in all my life."

[4273stuart]

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son.
"On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

[4273stuart]

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde.
He asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.

[4273stuart]

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."

The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"

[the rise]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer
and my sandwich please?".
"Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't
get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this
way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The
ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to
him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would
be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying reallygood money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?" the ! duck asks again.
"Yes" says the landlord
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the landlord replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the landlord replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "What the f**k would they want with a
plasterer?"

[4273stuart]

A drunk calls the police, and says, "They stole my dashboard, they stole my steering wheel, they stole my brake pedal, they even stole my gas pedal..."
Then, before the cops can ask where he is, he says, "Hey, never mind, I'm in the back seat."