jokes - Page 31

trickyvicki · 21st February 2006, 04:25 PM

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

4273stuart · 23rd February 2006, 12:19 PM

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

4273stuart · 23rd February 2006, 12:20 PM

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

4273stuart · 28th February 2006, 05:33 PM

So into a bar comes a prostitute. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.
"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven't been paid!"
Realising that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute.
She shows him the definition:
PROSTITUTE (pros'ti toot) n. A woman who performs services for money.
The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition:
KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare) n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves...

4273stuart · 2nd March 2006, 03:20 AM

its been nearly a year since i started this thread

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check.
To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item: "JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."

4273stuart · 7th March 2006, 03:20 AM

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "No problem, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

4273stuart · 7th March 2006, 02:44 PM

Thats One Whole Year Yay

thomasjmaccoll · 7th March 2006, 08:09 PM

bravo my good man, i'll give you some good rep if it'll let me (y)

4273stuart · 8th March 2006, 07:27 PM

A very pushy and ambitious salesman is trying to get the salesman of the year award.
So he goes to the Vatican and shoulders his way in to see the pope. "Your holiness, I represent the brewing federation. We would like to offer you a million dollars to change the lords prayer to give us our daily beer."
"Offering money to change the lords prayer indeed! Be off with you!" replies the pope.
" Okay then two million" retorts the salesman.
"How dare you suggest we change the words of our lord, get this man out of my sight" shouted the pope beckoning to the guards.
"As my final offer, three million dollars" shouts the salesman as he is dragged out the door.
The pope then turns to the cardinal and says, " When does our contract with the bakery expire?"

4273stuart · 9th March 2006, 02:37 PM

There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any. Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem.
So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows pussy and rub it on the bull's nose.
After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over. With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him.
So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten.
He wakes his wife and tells her to look.
She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose."

4273stuart · 16th March 2006, 09:10 PM

A woman had been dating a doctor for a short while when she became pregnant. The couple didn't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she was going to give birth, a priest went into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor told the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asked the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he said.
So the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest.
After the operation he went in to the priest and said, "Father, you're not going to believe this!"
"What?" asked the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child!"
"But that's impossible!" cried the priest.
"I just did the operation," insisted the doctor.
"It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and one day the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth.
So he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son said, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replied, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

4273stuart · 22nd March 2006, 10:17 AM

A man asks his married friend if he has ever had anal sex and he replied, "Why yes, quit often."
"Well", the friend asked, "do you enjoy it?"
"Not at all!" said the man.
"Well, then does that mean your wife enjoys it?"
"No No No, she HATES it!" the man replied.
"Then why for God sakes do you do it?" his friend asked.
"Well. the kids seem to enjoy it." He replied.

4273stuart · 22nd March 2006, 06:00 PM

After many years at sea, John returned to his home village while on leave. He hadn't had a woman for may years and was desperate. He immediately searched for a brothel.
After searching, he finds a suitable establishment. After entering the brothel, he asks the madam how much for a woman.
'£100' she replies 'I can't afford that, I only have 50p'
'I'm sorry sir but we have nothing for as little as 50p'
'But please help me.. I'm desperate... I have been at sea for many years.... I need a woman... any woman!'
The lady thinks for a moment and grins to herself. 'Well if you are that desperate... go to room 23 down the hallway.'
Grateful to the madam, he searches for room 23. He finally finds the room and enters. Inside he discovers the most grotesque woman alive. Spots on her face, greasy hair etc. 'How do you want me luv?'
'Errr, on your back with your legs in the air!' When she lays on her back and parts her legs, he is horrified to see crabs running in between her legs. 'Yuck, I ain't doing that'
'Well, I can turn on all fours!' she replies
'Ok' says the man and immediatly she gets on all fours. 'Oh my god... you have shit all over your arse.. that's sick'
'Well there is one more way we can do this.'
'Is there?' he asks
'Yeah...' and she removes an eye from its socket. 'Stick your dick in there... go on!'
He places his dick in the empty socket and starts pumping hard. Minutes later he orgasms violently.
'That was fantastic... how 'bout you?'
'Great... when will you be in town next?'
'In about 2-3 years time!'
'Great, I'll keep an eye out for you then!'

4273stuart · 23rd March 2006, 12:31 PM

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).
Devil: "We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell."
Man: "That's not so bad, whatcha got?"
Devil: "Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity."
Man: "OK."
The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.
Man: "Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next."
The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.
Man: "That looks worse, got anything left."
The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.
Man: "Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one."
Devil: "Are you sure this is the one you want."
Man: "Absolutely!"
The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door.
As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says "Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

21st February 2006, 04:25 PM	#451 (permalink)
trickyvicki Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: dundee Posts: 1,544	Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

23rd February 2006, 12:19 PM	#452 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

23rd February 2006, 12:20 PM	#453 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

28th February 2006, 05:33 PM	#454 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	So into a bar comes a prostitute. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door. "HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven't been paid!" Realising that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute. She shows him the definition: PROSTITUTE (pros'ti toot) n. A woman who performs services for money. The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition: KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare) n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves...

2nd March 2006, 03:20 AM	#455 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	its been nearly a year since i started this thread A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did. The next morning's newspaper carried the news item: "JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."

7th March 2006, 03:20 AM	#456 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "No problem, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

7th March 2006, 02:44 PM	#457 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Thats One Whole Year Yay

7th March 2006, 08:09 PM	#458 (permalink)
thomasjmaccoll Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: 47 millbank, cupar, fife Posts: 1,109	bravo my good man, i'll give you some good rep if it'll let me (y)

8th March 2006, 07:27 PM	#459 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A very pushy and ambitious salesman is trying to get the salesman of the year award. So he goes to the Vatican and shoulders his way in to see the pope. "Your holiness, I represent the brewing federation. We would like to offer you a million dollars to change the lords prayer to give us our daily beer." "Offering money to change the lords prayer indeed! Be off with you!" replies the pope. " Okay then two million" retorts the salesman. "How dare you suggest we change the words of our lord, get this man out of my sight" shouted the pope beckoning to the guards. "As my final offer, three million dollars" shouts the salesman as he is dragged out the door. The pope then turns to the cardinal and says, " When does our contract with the bakery expire?"

9th March 2006, 02:37 PM	#460 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any. Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows pussy and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over. With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten. He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose."

16th March 2006, 09:10 PM	#461 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A woman had been dating a doctor for a short while when she became pregnant. The couple didn't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she was going to give birth, a priest went into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor told the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asked the doctor. "It's worth a try," he said. So the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest. After the operation he went in to the priest and said, "Father, you're not going to believe this!" "What?" asked the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" cried the priest. "I just did the operation," insisted the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and one day the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. So he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son said, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replied, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

22nd March 2006, 10:17 AM	#462 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A man asks his married friend if he has ever had anal sex and he replied, "Why yes, quit often." "Well", the friend asked, "do you enjoy it?" "Not at all!" said the man. "Well, then does that mean your wife enjoys it?" "No No No, she HATES it!" the man replied. "Then why for God sakes do you do it?" his friend asked. "Well. the kids seem to enjoy it." He replied.

22nd March 2006, 06:00 PM	#463 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	After many years at sea, John returned to his home village while on leave. He hadn't had a woman for may years and was desperate. He immediately searched for a brothel. After searching, he finds a suitable establishment. After entering the brothel, he asks the madam how much for a woman. '£100' she replies 'I can't afford that, I only have 50p' 'I'm sorry sir but we have nothing for as little as 50p' 'But please help me.. I'm desperate... I have been at sea for many years.... I need a woman... any woman!' The lady thinks for a moment and grins to herself. 'Well if you are that desperate... go to room 23 down the hallway.' Grateful to the madam, he searches for room 23. He finally finds the room and enters. Inside he discovers the most grotesque woman alive. Spots on her face, greasy hair etc. 'How do you want me luv?' 'Errr, on your back with your legs in the air!' When she lays on her back and parts her legs, he is horrified to see crabs running in between her legs. 'Yuck, I ain't doing that' 'Well, I can turn on all fours!' she replies 'Ok' says the man and immediatly she gets on all fours. 'Oh my god... you have shit all over your arse.. that's sick' 'Well there is one more way we can do this.' 'Is there?' he asks 'Yeah...' and she removes an eye from its socket. 'Stick your dick in there... go on!' He places his dick in the empty socket and starts pumping hard. Minutes later he orgasms violently. 'That was fantastic... how 'bout you?' 'Great... when will you be in town next?' 'In about 2-3 years time!' 'Great, I'll keep an eye out for you then!'

23rd March 2006, 12:31 PM	#464 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge). Devil: "We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell." Man: "That's not so bad, whatcha got?" Devil: "Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity." Man: "OK." The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor. Man: "Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next." The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors. Man: "That looks worse, got anything left." The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee. Man: "Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one." Devil: "Are you sure this is the one you want." Man: "Absolutely!" The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says "Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads."