jokes

[Mugetsu]

hero!

[4273stuart]

At the skydiving training course, the instructor would take time to answer some of the First Timer Questions.
One guy asked: "If our chute doesn't open.....and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have till we hit the ground?"
The instructor looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."

[4273stuart]

A guy walks into a bar with a small man sitting on his shoulder. He orders a beer. The bartender brings the beer for the guy, but as he put the beer down on the bar, before the guy could reach it, the small man lept off his shoulder and picks up the beer and dumps it in the guys lap.
The guy sighs and asks for a shot of whiskey. As soon as the glass hits the bar, the little man threw the drink in the guys face and smashed the shot glass against the wall.
"I have to know.... where did you get that little guy?" asked the bartender.
"Well... I'll tell you... I was walking on the beach, saw a brass lamp,rubbed it, and a geenie came out. He said I could have one wish. I asked for a twelve inch prick and this is what I got..."

[4273stuart]

Three guys are having a drink at the bar when a drunk comes stumbling in off the street. The drunk points at the tallest guy in the middle and exclaims in a loud voice, "Hey you! I screwed your mother rotten last night!"

The guy in the middle shrugs and continues his conversation with his friends. Frustrated by the lack of response, the drunk stumbles back into the street.

A few minutes later the drunk stumbles into the same bar, points a grimy finger at the same guy and yells, "Did you hear me, asshole?! I said I fucked your mother last night and she was great!".

Finally, the tall guy in middle responds, "I know dad! I heard you the first time now go home!"

[4273stuart]

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.
Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age.
After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.
After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation.
They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.
"Why the jelly?" she asks him.
"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.
"Well, why don't you just spit on your dick like the monks did?"

[4273stuart]

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*mouth rot*); and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

[4273stuart]

You may notice the quality of the jokes is dropping I still have good ones and will post them at some point

[4273stuart]

A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."
Husband: "What about one my size?"
Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"
Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10."
Wife: "What about ones like mine?"
Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

[4273stuart]

Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement.
A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about the $10,000 dollars prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".
Jake looked at Bubba, a 6' 9" giant with the brain the size of a pea, and got an idea.
He told Bubba, "I bet you could beat that guy. He doesn't look so rough, and you're no wimp."
Bubba thought about it for a minute and agreed that he probably could.
The next weekend Jake and Bubba went down to the stadium where the tournament was to be held and signed Bubba up.
An old man came up and started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such. Jake, seeing Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips.
The old man looked up to Bubba and said, "Just you watch out for his pretzel hold. Ain't nobody ever gotten out that thing."
One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back balled up and hurting.
Two hours after they arrived, Bubba's turn was finally up.
In the ring, right before the bell rang, Bubba looked back at Jake and said, "Don't worry buddy. I can avoid that pretzel thing."
But not ten seconds after he had gotten up in the ring was The Killer laying on top of the contorted ball of Bubba and the referee was pounding the mat, counting to ten.
Jake screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms.
He was pissed. He had shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest, and it didn't last 20 seconds.
But right before he got to the door, the crowd went wild!
Jake ran back to the ring to see Bubba with one foot on top of the unconscious Killer and one armed raised in the air by the referee.
Jake ran into the ring and jumped on Bubba.
The crowd was out of control, and Jake and Bubba were $10,000 richer!
Later in the locker room, Jake confessed to Bubba he didn't see what happened.
Bubba said, "Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel hold and I thought all was lost. I hurt like I'd never hurt before and all I could hear was the ref slamming his hand down counting to ten. Then I looked and in front of me I saw this big, hairy sack of balls. I had nothing to lose and figured it might even help. So I stretched a little further and bit down as hard as I could on those things."
"Jake," Bubba said. "You wouldn't believe the strength a man gets when he bites his own balls."

[4273stuart]

A small child is at school when his friend tells him that all adults have one secret they don't want anyone to know and will give you anything not to tell anyone.

With this the child goes home and sees his mum. Remembering what he had been told he goes up to her.
"I know your secret I know everything"
With a look of horror the mother goes
"Here is £25 don't tell your dad"
The kid takes the money and thinks 'Class I can get well off on this'
Then he sees his dad and does the same trick with the same reaction.

The next morning on his way to school he sees the postman and says
"I know everything you know you could not hide it from me"
With tears in his eyes the postman says
"finally, now come and give your dad a hug!"

[Thanatos]

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement.
A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about the $10,000 dollars prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".
Jake looked at Bubba, a 6' 9" giant with the brain the size of a pea, and got an idea.
He told Bubba, "I bet you could beat that guy. He doesn't look so rough, and you're no wimp."
Bubba thought about it for a minute and agreed that he probably could.
The next weekend Jake and Bubba went down to the stadium where the tournament was to be held and signed Bubba up.
An old man came up and started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such. Jake, seeing Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips.
The old man looked up to Bubba and said, "Just you watch out for his pretzel hold. Ain't nobody ever gotten out that thing."
One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back balled up and hurting.
Two hours after they arrived, Bubba's turn was finally up.
In the ring, right before the bell rang, Bubba looked back at Jake and said, "Don't worry buddy. I can avoid that pretzel thing."
But not ten seconds after he had gotten up in the ring was The Killer laying on top of the contorted ball of Bubba and the referee was pounding the mat, counting to ten.
Jake screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms.
He was pissed. He had shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest, and it didn't last 20 seconds.
But right before he got to the door, the crowd went wild!
Jake ran back to the ring to see Bubba with one foot on top of the unconscious Killer and one armed raised in the air by the referee.
Jake ran into the ring and jumped on Bubba.
The crowd was out of control, and Jake and Bubba were $10,000 richer!
Later in the locker room, Jake confessed to Bubba he didn't see what happened.
Bubba said, "Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel hold and I thought all was lost. I hurt like I'd never hurt before and all I could hear was the ref slamming his hand down counting to ten. Then I looked and in front of me I saw this big, hairy sack of balls. I had nothing to lose and figured it might even help. So I stretched a little further and bit down as hard as I could on those things."
"Jake," Bubba said. "You wouldn't believe the strength a man gets when he bites his own balls."

billy connolly joke - ivan the terrible

[4273stuart]

Originally Posted by Thanatos

billy connolly joke - ivan the terrible

oh no is he stealing my jokes

[4273stuart]

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.
Finding none, she quickly erased it and began her class. The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word "penis" again on the black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the days lesson.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each days word larger than the previous days word.

Finally one day she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the words,

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

[4273stuart]

A 2nd grade teacher is instructed to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny says, "Yes, teacher, my dad has 2 of them!"

The teacher says, "Two of them, Johnny, are you sure about that?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, teacher, he uses a short skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a long fat one to brush the babysitter's teeth."