jokes - Page 33

4273stuart · 30th April 2006, 04:09 PM

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.
“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.”
“How does it work?”
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake, you asshole…it’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning!”

4273stuart · 9th May 2006, 04:38 PM

On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar.
In this bar, a man was drinking heavily.
He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.
This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him.
Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"

"Well, we are they high up there are cross winds so you jump of and the winds slow you down and you land gently. I just drink the shot to have the courage to do it. It's lots of fun. You should try it."

The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, Hey, why not? So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo... SPLAT!

The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Man, you're an asshole when you're drunk, Superman...

trickyvicki · 9th May 2006, 09:53 PM

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He couldnt remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldnt remember who had asked me."

trickyvicki · 9th May 2006, 09:54 PM

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knights best friend.

He yelss - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

4273stuart · 9th May 2006, 10:36 PM

SOMEONE ELSE POSTED A JOKE
dear god I need to have a lie down now

4273stuart · 9th May 2006, 10:37 PM

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to trickyvicki again.

trickyvicki · 10th May 2006, 07:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

SOMEONE ELSE POSTED A JOKE
dear god I need to have a lie down now

ha ha, I didn't mean to shock you.

oh well, no rep for me

lol

diagnosismurder · 14th May 2006, 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by diagnosismurder

Two men are drinking in a bar on the 100th floor of a building when one says to the other "You see that window over there? It's a magic window. If you jump out of it you'll be able to jump back in."

The other man tells him "I don't believe you."

"I'll show you." The first man then jumps out the window and a second later jumps back in.

"That's amazing! I want to try!" says the other man. He then jumps out the window. He falls to his death.

The barman then says to the first man "You know, you can be right dick when you're drunk Superman".

I already posted that joke! I'm loving all the other jokes though.

4273stuart · 14th May 2006, 06:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by diagnosismurder

I already posted that joke! I'm loving all the other jokes though.

I thought it had been posted in the past was in rush so didnt check though!

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle"

maz · 17th May 2006, 07:35 AM

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

maz · 17th May 2006, 07:47 AM

Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused.

As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a shot.

Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was Pope Bubba.

Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler's favorite pasta.

Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as "technically" U.S. States.

Tells you that its Napoleon that's the ice cream that comes in 3 flavors in one box.

Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped with the right amount of Lithium.

Threatens to renact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if homework is not turned in on time.

Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great explorers of the West.

Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Rosco the Bosco · 19th May 2006, 01:08 PM

An African miner is working in the gold mines, when he has an accident and loses a leg.

"FUCK!" he shouts. "What am i going to do??? Who's going to want a one legged gold digger?"

"Me!" says Paul McCartney

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Also, apparently he just bought her a plane for her birthday.

and a lady shave for the other leg

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Paul McCartney come home from the hospital.
He says to his kids "I have good news and bad news.

The bad news is that your mother, Linda, has passed away"

"Oh thats terrible" say the kids. "Whats the good news?"

"MCDONALDS FOR TEA!"

4273stuart · 29th November 2006, 12:08 AM

A guy leaves the bar, so his wife won't get pissed off at him for drinking after work. When he gets home, he finds his boss in bed with his wife. He goes back to the bar and tells the story to the bartender.
The bartender says, "Man, that sucks. What did you do?"
The guy says, "I ran out the door and came back here. They were just getting started, so I figured I got time for at least a couple more beers."

Shawman · 29th November 2006, 02:10 PM

welcome back son

17th May 2006, 07:47 AM	#491 (permalink)
maz Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Scotland, Dundee Posts: 1,104	A bad History teacher... Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused. As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a shot. Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was Pope Bubba. Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler's favorite pasta. Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as "technically" U.S. States. Tells you that its Napoleon that's the ice cream that comes in 3 flavors in one box. Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped with the right amount of Lithium. Threatens to renact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if homework is not turned in on time. Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great explorers of the West. Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall of the Berlin Wall.

19th May 2006, 01:08 PM	#492 (permalink)
Rosco the Bosco Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Dundee Posts: 2,745 Band: No, i've never been Banned.	An African miner is working in the gold mines, when he has an accident and loses a leg. "FUCK!" he shouts. "What am i going to do??? Who's going to want a one legged gold digger?" "Me!" says Paul McCartney --------------------------------------------------------------------- Also, apparently he just bought her a plane for her birthday. and a lady shave for the other leg ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Paul McCartney come home from the hospital. He says to his kids "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that your mother, Linda, has passed away" "Oh thats terrible" say the kids. "Whats the good news?" "MCDONALDS FOR TEA!" Last edited by Rosco the Bosco : 19th May 2006 at 01:29 PM.

30th April 2006, 04:09 PM	#481 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. “What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him. “It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.” “How does it work?” The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake, you asshole…it’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning!”

9th May 2006, 04:38 PM	#482 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" "Well, we are they high up there are cross winds so you jump of and the winds slow you down and you land gently. I just drink the shot to have the courage to do it. It's lots of fun. You should try it." The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, Hey, why not? So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo... SPLAT! The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Man, you're an asshole when you're drunk, Superman...

9th May 2006, 09:53 PM	#483 (permalink)
trickyvicki Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: dundee Posts: 1,544	There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He couldnt remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldnt remember who had asked me."

9th May 2006, 09:54 PM	#484 (permalink)
trickyvicki Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: dundee Posts: 1,544	All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade." The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knights best friend. He yelss - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

9th May 2006, 10:36 PM	#485 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	SOMEONE ELSE POSTED A JOKE dear god I need to have a lie down now

9th May 2006, 10:37 PM	#486 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to trickyvicki again.

17th May 2006, 07:35 AM	#490 (permalink)
maz Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Scotland, Dundee Posts: 1,104	Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

29th November 2006, 12:08 AM	#493 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A guy leaves the bar, so his wife won't get pissed off at him for drinking after work. When he gets home, he finds his boss in bed with his wife. He goes back to the bar and tells the story to the bartender. The bartender says, "Man, that sucks. What did you do?" The guy says, "I ran out the door and came back here. They were just getting started, so I figured I got time for at least a couple more beers."

29th November 2006, 02:10 PM	#494 (permalink)
Shawman Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Kirriemuir (fun) Posts: 2,529 Band: Darkened Place (bass)	welcome back son