jokes - Page 35

Kevxx · 7th March 2007, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by earmuffin

haha, i thought that too.

orange you glad i didn't say banana?

god i hate jimmy!

Merkin Baz · 7th March 2007, 08:12 PM

What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A whore will fuck everyone at a party, a bitch will fuck everyone at the party except you

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling

robho · 8th March 2007, 01:05 AM

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well

---

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet

---

Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

---

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened by the time she brings it to you!

: : Scott : : · 8th March 2007, 01:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

A black man walks into a bar and says, "I have a twelve inch dick, and I like to fuck white women with it."
A drunk at the other end of the bar said, "Hey, I wouldn't want to fuck a black chick either."

I don't get it

4273stuart · 8th March 2007, 04:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by : : Scott : :

I don't get it

oh well

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed.
The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside.
The women says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window.
The women opens her eyes and asks for it again. The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentlman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

azzemojo · 8th March 2007, 08:04 AM

A man walks into a bar with a HUGE orange head and the barman turns to him and says "whats up with the head?"
the man replies "ahh well theres a strory to that. I was up in my loft and i found a magic lamp! I cleaned it and a genie came out. He said he would grant me three wishes. So first i wished for ten million quid, and i got it! Then i wished for a beautiful wife."
"Did you get it?"
"ohh yeah she's gorgeous!"
"so what about the big head?"
"I wished for a HUGE orange head"

haha

azzemojo · 8th March 2007, 08:06 AM

Jesus can walk on water
but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus

robho · 8th March 2007, 05:48 PM

chuck norris, arnold schwartznegger and vin diesel are at the gates of st peter, st peter turns to the three of them and says who is worthy of sittin on the throne next to god.

vin diesel turns to god and says - "god i am the new arnold schwartznegger, i am the new action hero everyone loves me, i deserve a seat beside you"

arnold schwartznegger turn to god and says - "god, i am the origional arnold, i am the one everyone loves, i deserve that seat"

chuch norris turns to god and says - "god.....i believe you are sitting in my seat"

4273stuart · 9th March 2007, 08:59 AM

I'm sure the was a chuck norris thread on here ages ago

azzemojo · 9th March 2007, 05:57 PM

i think there should defiantely be another one

or Mr T ones are just as good

4273stuart · 10th March 2007, 05:08 AM

some facts about the Hoff

We've had Chuck now for...

Johnny5 · 13th March 2007, 09:36 AM

Getting ready for a night out, a lady looks into the mirror, feeling disgusted she says to her husband,

"Christ, I feel really really ugly, pay me a compliment."

The husband replies,

"Your eyesight is fucking spot on, love."

ba-dum-tsh!

4273stuart · 26th March 2007, 08:55 AM

I actually heard a joke last night I hadnt heard before

seems miracles do happen

whats the best thing about shagging a nine year old?

when they break down crying in the witness box!

RussellOrGoose · 13th June 2007, 02:49 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Rebelius · 13th June 2007, 03:05 PM

Two nuns in a bath, one says "where's the soap" the other says "yes it does doesn't it"

7th March 2007, 08:12 PM	#512 (permalink)
Merkin Baz Registered User Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dundee Posts: 66 Band: Nothing going on just now.	What's the difference between a whore and a bitch? A whore will fuck everyone at a party, a bitch will fuck everyone at the party except you What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling

8th March 2007, 01:05 AM	#513 (permalink)
robho Registered User Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Glesgie! Posts: 33 Band: SoundShed	Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well --- An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet --- Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald. --- How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be opened by the time she brings it to you!

8th March 2007, 08:04 AM	#516 (permalink)
azzemojo Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Dundee Posts: 653 Band: Mason	A man walks into a bar with a HUGE orange head and the barman turns to him and says "whats up with the head?" the man replies "ahh well theres a strory to that. I was up in my loft and i found a magic lamp! I cleaned it and a genie came out. He said he would grant me three wishes. So first i wished for ten million quid, and i got it! Then i wished for a beautiful wife." "Did you get it?" "ohh yeah she's gorgeous!" "so what about the big head?" "I wished for a HUGE orange head" haha

8th March 2007, 08:06 AM	#517 (permalink)
azzemojo Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Dundee Posts: 653 Band: Mason	Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus

8th March 2007, 05:48 PM	#518 (permalink)
robho Registered User Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Glesgie! Posts: 33 Band: SoundShed	chuck norris, arnold schwartznegger and vin diesel are at the gates of st peter, st peter turns to the three of them and says who is worthy of sittin on the throne next to god. vin diesel turns to god and says - "god i am the new arnold schwartznegger, i am the new action hero everyone loves me, i deserve a seat beside you" arnold schwartznegger turn to god and says - "god, i am the origional arnold, i am the one everyone loves, i deserve that seat" chuch norris turns to god and says - "god.....i believe you are sitting in my seat"

9th March 2007, 08:59 AM	#519 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	I'm sure the was a chuck norris thread on here ages ago

9th March 2007, 05:57 PM	#520 (permalink)
azzemojo Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Dundee Posts: 653 Band: Mason	i think there should defiantely be another one or Mr T ones are just as good

10th March 2007, 05:08 AM	#521 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	some facts about the Hoff We've had Chuck now for...

13th March 2007, 09:36 AM	#522 (permalink)
Johnny5 cock in hand Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Dundee Posts: 1,982	Getting ready for a night out, a lady looks into the mirror, feeling disgusted she says to her husband, "Christ, I feel really really ugly, pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight is fucking spot on, love." ba-dum-tsh!

26th March 2007, 08:55 AM	#523 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	I actually heard a joke last night I hadnt heard before seems miracles do happen whats the best thing about shagging a nine year old? when they break down crying in the witness box!

13th June 2007, 02:49 PM	#524 (permalink)
RussellOrGoose legend Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Cupar Posts: 6,431	Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

13th June 2007, 03:05 PM	#525 (permalink)
Rebelius Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Edinburgh Posts: 7,213	Two nuns in a bath, one says "where's the soap" the other says "yes it does doesn't it"