jokes - Page 36

maz · 15th August 2007, 10:07 AM

A chubby bloke was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "Guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10-pound weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business."

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment," he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5-day, 20-pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it, there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze.

He is really looking forward to the next four days....For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!"

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7-day, 50-pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

maz · 27th August 2007, 10:14 PM

not a joke but funny none the less.

Shawman · 24th September 2007, 09:56 AM

Jose Mourinho has voved to return to portugal and never be seen in england again

the McCann's have offered to help

there's a new hire car available in portugal, it's a small car and if you can't fit all your kids in the back, you can fit one in the boot. it's called a renault McCann

gord · 24th September 2007, 03:17 PM

What's worse than Michael Jackson babysitting your kids? The McCann family taking them on holiday.

ubermensch · 24th September 2007, 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gord

What's worse than Michael Jackson babysitting your kids? The McCann family taking them on holiday.

Hahahahahaha! To follow that up:

What's the difference between this joke and Maddy McCann?

This joke'll get old.

njw · 24th September 2007, 03:36 PM

Whats the difference between Maddy McCann and a rock?

.............

You can't fuck a rock.

RiseAgainst · 24th September 2007, 03:54 PM

Foot & Mouth has been found on a farm....

fuck knows when they'll find the rest of Colin McRae

whats the difference between colin mcrae and gary glitter?

only two kids went down on mcrae's chopper

Gruppe · 24th September 2007, 04:20 PM

not so much a joke but how funny is this picture

gord · 24th September 2007, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gruppe

not so much a joke but how funny is this picture

It was funnier nine years ago when I first saw it.

Gruppe · 24th September 2007, 11:18 PM

you cant beat the classics

azzemojo · 25th September 2007, 07:20 AM

Whats the difference between the pope and Maddie?

the pope died a virgin

Gruppe · 25th September 2007, 12:53 PM

why is a black guys eyes always red after sex

pepper spray

(imagine an arrow pointing down) what the hell are all these things now?

Bikerboy · 27th September 2007, 08:14 PM

No idea if these have been up yet, they shouldn't be because me and Thomo made them up when we were drunk....

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Madeline McCann

Madeline McCann who?

Only joking.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Madeline McCann's parents

Madeline McCann's parents who?

Madeline McCann's parents who can't accept that there daughter is probably dead.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

The police

The police who?

The police who can't find Madeline McCann

I hear Madeline McCann is still missing.... but don't worry, I'll keep on checking Limewire.

Boy · 28th September 2007, 09:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bikerboy

I hear Madeline McCann is still missing.... but don't worry, I'll keep on checking Limewire.

sick..but i laughed none the less

24th September 2007, 03:36 PM	#531 (permalink)
njw Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: DD1 Posts: 8,082	Whats the difference between Maddy McCann and a rock? ............. You can't fuck a rock. __________________ You can put a cat in the oven, but that doesn't make it a biscuit.

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15th August 2007, 10:07 AM	#526 (permalink)
maz Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Scotland, Dundee Posts: 1,104	A chubby bloke was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "Guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10-pound weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment," he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5-day, 20-pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it, there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. He is really looking forward to the next four days....For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!" Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7-day, 50-pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!" The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

27th August 2007, 10:14 PM	#527 (permalink)
maz Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Scotland, Dundee Posts: 1,104	not a joke but funny none the less.

24th September 2007, 09:56 AM	#528 (permalink)
Shawman Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Kirriemuir (fun) Posts: 2,504 Band: Error In Excellence (bass)	Jose Mourinho has voved to return to portugal and never be seen in england again the McCann's have offered to help there's a new hire car available in portugal, it's a small car and if you can't fit all your kids in the back, you can fit one in the boot. it's called a renault McCann

24th September 2007, 03:17 PM	#529 (permalink)
gord of the rings Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Dundee Posts: 2,726	What's worse than Michael Jackson babysitting your kids? The McCann family taking them on holiday.

24th September 2007, 03:54 PM	#532 (permalink)
RiseAgainst rambling boy of pleasure Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Work id presume Posts: 2,916 Band: Cheat To Win	Foot & Mouth has been found on a farm.... fuck knows when they'll find the rest of Colin McRae whats the difference between colin mcrae and gary glitter? only two kids went down on mcrae's chopper

24th September 2007, 04:20 PM	#533 (permalink)
Gruppe Registered User Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: betty ford Posts: 13 Band: -	not so much a joke but how funny is this picture

24th September 2007, 11:18 PM	#535 (permalink)
Gruppe Registered User Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: betty ford Posts: 13 Band: -	you cant beat the classics

25th September 2007, 07:20 AM	#536 (permalink)
azzemojo Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Dundee Posts: 607 Band: Mason	Whats the difference between the pope and Maddie? the pope died a virgin

25th September 2007, 12:53 PM	#537 (permalink)
Gruppe Registered User Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: betty ford Posts: 13 Band: -	why is a black guys eyes always red after sex pepper spray (imagine an arrow pointing down) what the hell are all these things now?

27th September 2007, 08:14 PM	#538 (permalink)
Bikerboy I loathe my username Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Errol outside Perth Posts: 1,732 Band: Sunset Squad, Out of Fucking Spite and B.G.O.M.	No idea if these have been up yet, they shouldn't be because me and Thomo made them up when we were drunk.... Knock Knock Who's there? Madeline McCann Madeline McCann who? Only joking. Knock Knock Who's there? Madeline McCann's parents Madeline McCann's parents who? Madeline McCann's parents who can't accept that there daughter is probably dead. Knock Knock Who's there? The police The police who? The police who can't find Madeline McCann I hear Madeline McCann is still missing.... but don't worry, I'll keep on checking Limewire.