jokes - Page 4

pixelsink · 15th March 2005, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ferg

three tramps are waiting outside a bar. the first one goes in and walks up to the bar, before he can say anything the barman says "sorry mate, we dont serve the likes of you in here", the tramp goes:" but all i want is a toothpick" the barman refuses but after some begging he gives the tramp a toothpick and he leaves. the next tramp then enters and goes up to the bar, again, before he can say anything the barman says "sorry mate, we dont serve the likes of you in here", "but i only want a toothpick" the tramp says. after some pleading the barman eventually gives him one so he can be on his way. a while later the final tramp goes in and up to the bar before he can say anything the barman says: "look i told both of your mates that we dont serve the likes of you in here, but i suppose you just want a toothpick yeh?" and the tramp replies: "no, can i have a straw? someones been sick outside and all the good bits are gone."

gross. funny, but gross.

mhairi · 16th March 2005, 12:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seonaid

what goes clip clop clip clop clip clop bang bang bang?

an amish(sic) drive-by!!

what do you call a french man on the beach?

phillipe flop

No, Philippe Pholoppe

mhairi · 16th March 2005, 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seonaid

a guy phones into work, "sorry boss, i can't come in today. i'm very sick". a bit annoyed at this the boss asks, "well how sick are you?". the guy replies, "well i'm in bed with a 12 year old boy"

no, he's in bed with his 12 year old son. you're SHIT. I'm never telling you a joke again.

maz · 16th March 2005, 11:14 PM

Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it

4273stuart · 17th March 2005, 10:35 AM

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but thinks, "What the heck, I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of your penis?" The waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT." The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my penis is Secret." The waiter asks, "SECRET?" The customer replies, "Yeah ... strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"

4273stuart · 18th March 2005, 10:42 PM

It was nearly the end of one of David Copperfield's magic shows. "Now," he said, "We've reached the part of the show where I invite a member of the audience to come up on stage and perform a trick. Are there any volunteers?" The audience shuffled in its seats. "Anyone?" Still nothing. "Oh come on, *someone* must have a party piece to show us!" Slowly a hand went up. "Yes, you, sir!" beamed Copperfield. "Please join me on stage!" A huge sweaty bald guy heaved himself out of his seat and lumbered up onto the stage. "For this trick, Dave," he said, "I'll need a table, a length of rope and Cat Dealey." The props were brought on, as was Cat, looking as stunning as ever and giggling girlishly. The fat sweaty guy quickly tied Cat down to the table, lifted her dress, pulled out his old man and started pumping away. "Hey!" yelled Copperfield, "This isn't a goddamned trick!" "No," replied the fat guy breathlessly, "But it's fucking magic!"

*Lyndsey* · 18th March 2005, 11:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

It was nearly the end of one of David Copperfield's magic shows. "Now," he said, "We've reached the part of the show where I invite a member of the audience to come up on stage and perform a trick. Are there any volunteers?" The audience shuffled in its seats. "Anyone?" Still nothing. "Oh come on, *someone* must have a party piece to show us!" Slowly a hand went up. "Yes, you, sir!" beamed Copperfield. "Please join me on stage!" A huge sweaty bald guy heaved himself out of his seat and lumbered up onto the stage. "For this trick, Dave," he said, "I'll need a table, a length of rope and Cat Dealey." The props were brought on, as was Cat, looking as stunning as ever and giggling girlishly. The fat sweaty guy quickly tied Cat down to the table, lifted her dress, pulled out his old man and started pumping away. "Hey!" yelled Copperfield, "This isn't a goddamned trick!" "No," replied the fat guy breathlessly, "But it's fucking magic!"

hahaa

poor cat!lol

4273stuart · 18th March 2005, 11:11 PM

since i have not posted a joke for a few days here is an extra one

There was a little girl who happened to walk in on her mother and father having sex. Not wanting to interrupt, she sat there quietly, and watched as her mother gave her father a blow job. Later on, she says to her mother, "Mommy, I saw what you were doing with daddy earlier. Is that how you get babies?" The mother turned to her daughter and said, "No honey, that's how you get jewellery!"

seonaid · 23rd March 2005, 01:14 PM

why do elephants have big ears?

because noddy won't pay the ransom

Going Gone · 23rd March 2005, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

It was nearly the end of one of David Copperfield's magic shows. "Now," he said, "We've reached the part of the show where I invite a member of the audience to come up on stage and perform a trick. Are there any volunteers?" The audience shuffled in its seats. "Anyone?" Still nothing. "Oh come on, *someone* must have a party piece to show us!" Slowly a hand went up. "Yes, you, sir!" beamed Copperfield. "Please join me on stage!" A huge sweaty bald guy heaved himself out of his seat and lumbered up onto the stage. "For this trick, Dave," he said, "I'll need a table, a length of rope and Cat Dealey." The props were brought on, as was Cat, looking as stunning as ever and giggling girlishly. The fat sweaty guy quickly tied Cat down to the table, lifted her dress, pulled out his old man and started pumping away. "Hey!" yelled Copperfield, "This isn't a goddamned trick!" "No," replied the fat guy breathlessly, "But it's fucking magic!"

Haha, brilliant

MisterMarc · 23rd March 2005, 05:02 PM

A man goes to the doctor with a strange ailment:

"Doctor! My cock has turned orange. What the hell is going on?!"

The doctor inspects, but is none the wiser. He tells the man to come back in a week, in which time the doctor will try and find out anything he can about the man's problem.
The Man returns, as planned, but the doctor still doesn't have a clue. He asks him some questions, which may give him some idea of what's going on:

"So, where do you work?"
"I'm unemployed"
"So what do you do with your time?"
"I just sit around all day wanking and eating Wotsits"

maz · 23rd March 2005, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

since i have not posted a joke for a few days here is an extra one

There was a little girl who happened to walk in on her mother and father having sex. Not wanting to interrupt, she sat there quietly, and watched as her mother gave her father a blow job. Later on, she says to her mother, "Mommy, I saw what you were doing with daddy earlier. Is that how you get babies?" The mother turned to her daughter and said, "No honey, that's how you get jewellery!"

hehe it's funny coz it's true.

4273stuart · 24th March 2005, 12:35 PM

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat . . . "

DissolveD_JameS · 24th March 2005, 12:55 PM

What's red and silver and runs into walls?

A baby with forks in it's eyes.
___________________________________________

What's purple and orange and lies at the bottom of pools?

A baby with deflated arm-bands.

lorna_doom_666 · 24th March 2005, 01:12 PM

A man and a woman walk into the new house they just bought and the woman says to the man "Derek!? why is the wallpaper in this house all red and green?" the man just gives a grunt then heads upstairs. Puzzled by her husbands reaction she follows him upstairs, The man then proceeds to one of the bedrooms slamming the door behind him, the woman is quite upset at this point, she decides to leave her husband to cool of and to see if his bizzare behaviour goes away. 10 minutes pass and theres still nothing, then 20 mins then an hour later the woman is getting quite worried so she decides just to go into the room to see what her husband is upto, so she slowly opens the door taking a deep breath and sees him there sitting in a corner, she asks "What the hell are you doing Derek?! Ive been sitting out here worrying about you for ages" her husband looks at her then quickly stares at the floor again and says "sorry luv, am as dead as a cheeseface"

HAHAHAH isnt that funny boys and girls?!?! its prolly the funniest thing in this thread!!!

16th March 2005, 11:14 PM	#49 (permalink)
maz Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Scotland, Dundee Posts: 1,104	Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it

17th March 2005, 10:35 AM	#50 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but thinks, "What the heck, I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of your penis?" The waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT." The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my penis is Secret." The waiter asks, "SECRET?" The customer replies, "Yeah ... strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"

18th March 2005, 10:42 PM	#51 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	It was nearly the end of one of David Copperfield's magic shows. "Now," he said, "We've reached the part of the show where I invite a member of the audience to come up on stage and perform a trick. Are there any volunteers?" The audience shuffled in its seats. "Anyone?" Still nothing. "Oh come on, someone must have a party piece to show us!" Slowly a hand went up. "Yes, you, sir!" beamed Copperfield. "Please join me on stage!" A huge sweaty bald guy heaved himself out of his seat and lumbered up onto the stage. "For this trick, Dave," he said, "I'll need a table, a length of rope and Cat Dealey." The props were brought on, as was Cat, looking as stunning as ever and giggling girlishly. The fat sweaty guy quickly tied Cat down to the table, lifted her dress, pulled out his old man and started pumping away. "Hey!" yelled Copperfield, "This isn't a goddamned trick!" "No," replied the fat guy breathlessly, "But it's fucking magic!"

18th March 2005, 11:11 PM	#53 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	since i have not posted a joke for a few days here is an extra one There was a little girl who happened to walk in on her mother and father having sex. Not wanting to interrupt, she sat there quietly, and watched as her mother gave her father a blow job. Later on, she says to her mother, "Mommy, I saw what you were doing with daddy earlier. Is that how you get babies?" The mother turned to her daughter and said, "No honey, that's how you get jewellery!"

23rd March 2005, 01:14 PM	#54 (permalink)
seonaid Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: dundee Posts: 583	why do elephants have big ears? because noddy won't pay the ransom

23rd March 2005, 05:02 PM	#56 (permalink)
MisterMarc Senior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: UGS Posts: 1,052 Band: Mental Health Act 1983.	A man goes to the doctor with a strange ailment: "Doctor! My cock has turned orange. What the hell is going on?!" The doctor inspects, but is none the wiser. He tells the man to come back in a week, in which time the doctor will try and find out anything he can about the man's problem. The Man returns, as planned, but the doctor still doesn't have a clue. He asks him some questions, which may give him some idea of what's going on: "So, where do you work?" "I'm unemployed" "So what do you do with your time?" "I just sit around all day wanking and eating Wotsits"

24th March 2005, 12:35 PM	#58 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat . . . "

24th March 2005, 12:55 PM	#59 (permalink)
DissolveD_JameS Restrained Abuser Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Dundee Posts: 1,264 Band: Dissolved	What's red and silver and runs into walls? A baby with forks in it's eyes. ___________________________________________ What's purple and orange and lies at the bottom of pools? A baby with deflated arm-bands.

24th March 2005, 01:12 PM	#60 (permalink)
lorna_doom_666 Banned Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: dundee Posts: 193	A man and a woman walk into the new house they just bought and the woman says to the man "Derek!? why is the wallpaper in this house all red and green?" the man just gives a grunt then heads upstairs. Puzzled by her husbands reaction she follows him upstairs, The man then proceeds to one of the bedrooms slamming the door behind him, the woman is quite upset at this point, she decides to leave her husband to cool of and to see if his bizzare behaviour goes away. 10 minutes pass and theres still nothing, then 20 mins then an hour later the woman is getting quite worried so she decides just to go into the room to see what her husband is upto, so she slowly opens the door taking a deep breath and sees him there sitting in a corner, she asks "What the hell are you doing Derek?! Ive been sitting out here worrying about you for ages" her husband looks at her then quickly stares at the floor again and says "sorry luv, am as dead as a cheeseface" HAHAHAH isnt that funny boys and girls?!?! its prolly the funniest thing in this thread!!!