jokes

[4273stuart]

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow." "Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

[4273stuart]

A boy walks in to a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The woman behind the counter says, "How old are you son?" The boy replies, "I'm nine years old, and I want to fuck a prostitute." The woman is a bit shocked, but answers politely, "I'm sorry son, but you're too young." To this the boy slaps $200 on to the table. "She'll be waiting in the first room on the right, up the stairs." "I want a girl with active herpes." "I'm sorry son, but I just can't do that for you," the woman tells the boy. The boy slaps another $200 on the table. "She'll be waiting in the second room on the left, up the stairs." So the boy walks up the stairs, dragging the frog behind him. About half an hour later, the boy comes back down the stairs, still dragging the frog. Now the woman has been thinking about the boy for the last half hour, so she says to him, "I have a few questions before you go kid. First, what's with the dead frog, second, where did you get the money, and finally, why a girl with herpes?" The boy replies, "Now I've got herpes. When I get home, I'll fuck the baby sitter and she'll get it. My dad will screw her when he drops her home and he'll get it. My dad will then shag my mom, and she'll get it, and then my mom will fuck the milkman, and he's the bastard who ran over my frog!!!"

[*Lyndsey*]

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

A boy walks in to a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The woman behind the counter says, "How old are you son?" The boy replies, "I'm nine years old, and I want to fuck a prostitute." The woman is a bit shocked, but answers politely, "I'm sorry son, but you're too young." To this the boy slaps $200 on to the table. "She'll be waiting in the first room on the right, up the stairs." "I want a girl with active herpes." "I'm sorry son, but I just can't do that for you," the woman tells the boy. The boy slaps another $200 on the table. "She'll be waiting in the second room on the left, up the stairs." So the boy walks up the stairs, dragging the frog behind him. About half an hour later, the boy comes back down the stairs, still dragging the frog. Now the woman has been thinking about the boy for the last half hour, so she says to him, "I have a few questions before you go kid. First, what's with the dead frog, second, where did you get the money, and finally, why a girl with herpes?" The boy replies, "Now I've got herpes. When I get home, I'll fuck the baby sitter and she'll get it. My dad will screw her when he drops her home and he'll get it. My dad will then shag my mom, and she'll get it, and then my mom will fuck the milkman, and he's the bastard who ran over my frog!!!"

LOL

[Niall]

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

since the jokes have become a tad sicker

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?" His father says, "No...how old?" He says, "I'm eleven!" He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?" She says, "Come closer..." She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven." He says, "How could you tell?" She says, "I heard you tell your father."

lol

[maz]

In the beginning, God made the heavens, then rested
Then, God made the earth, and rested.
He then made Man, thn rested.
Next he created Woman, and since then neither God nor Man have rested.

[^_mincher_^]

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago," came the reply.

[4273stuart]

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon. He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

[4273stuart]

MY FAV

Superman was flying along one day and he suddenly Felt like a good shag. So he starts thinking who is the Best shag in town, he then sees Spiderman and swoops down, He asks Spiderman who the best shag is in town who replies " Supergirl of course ", "I can't shag Supergirl we're related," says superman. And fly's off. After a while he sees Batman and swoops down and asks batman Who the best shag is in town", "Supergirl of course" replies Batman "I can't shag her we're related " and fly's off. Superman starts to think about it, when suddenly he sees Supergirl Lying naked in a field with her legs wide open, she has her outfit Neatly folded in a pile beside her. Sup's thinks I'm faster than Anything I could swoop down give it to her and fly off before she Realises. Superman gets out his cock swoops down, hammers her and fly's off Before she realises. " God that was the best shag I've ever had", Mean while in the field Supergirl "goes what the fuck was that" "I don't know, but it fucking hurt" replies the invisible man.

[Andy Pandy]

I HAVE A JOKE!!!!

An englishman, an Irishman and the Pope were out driving in the desert one day. Unfortunately, the car broke down and they were stranded.

"What do we do now?" asked the Englishman.

"Well," said the pope, "I'm going to grab some supplies and start walking."

And with that, the Pope gathered some things from the car and began walking away.

"Yeah, good idea!" said the Englishman, who then gathered some things and then walked away after the Pope.

"Guys wait for me!" said the Irishman, who grabbed what he thought he would need and walked off after them.

After 6 hours of walking through the scorching heat, the three of them were saved. A jeep rode over a nearby dune and came to a stop next to them.

"Wow!" said the jeep driver, "I bet you're glad I came along! You wouldn't have lasted much longer out here!"

"Oh we could have survived for a while yet," said the Pope, "I brought water from the car to quench our thirst."

"Yes," said the Englishman, "I gathered what food we had and took it with me so that we would not have starved."

The jeep driver looked at the Irishman.

"What about you?" he asked, "Why the fuck did you bring a car door?"

"Well..." said the Irishman, "I brought the car door for Michael Jackson, who fucks children."

[: : Scott : :]

Originally Posted by Wondah Vocal

girl walks into a bar to and asks for a double entendre. the barman flatly refuses, citing that a "double entendre" is in fact not a drink. embarrassed, she asks for a vodka and coke, which the barman then serves her without incident. the girl looks at the clock and sees her boyfriend should arrive in a few minutes. she sits at a table by the window, occupied by a scotsman, and englishman and an irishman, again without incident. at this point a bishop, a rabbi and a zulu priest walk into the bar.

while this strikes the clientele and barstaff alike as being a little odd, they simply walk to the bar and order three fresh orange juices and sit at a table in the corner by the fruit machine.

ten minutes pass, and her boyfriend as still not arrived. however, a man walks through the door, leading both a lion and a penguin into the bar. at this point the doorstaff urge the man to leave, with the reasonable claim that a bar is not the place for such animals, and the only animals that the bar can legally facilitate are dogs for the visually impaired. the man causes quite a stir, but accepts that he should have perhaps left his pets at home.

angered and slightly worried as to why her boyfriend has still not arrived, the girl notices a payphone across the street from her position at the window. she decides to give his mobile a quick call.

she dials his number anxiously, her fingers shaking. he answers; "sorry darling I was held up at work, I'm just coming around the corner to the bar now"

she then sees her boyfriend emerge from the corner by the door of the bar, true to his word.

ahem.



Also pandy go on msn.

[mooseburner]

Now, I don't know about you guys, but I'd like to die in my sleep just like my uncle.

Lucky old git - mind you, his 42 passengers weren't quite so lucky.

[Andy Pandy]

Originally Posted by omgwtf

Also pandy go on msn.

I'm on msn dude

oh errrr joke

why did the chicken fuck his muffin?

because the chicken pancake cockwaffle!

[Fritz]

An old lady is sitting in her wheel chair on the beach when a young man walks by....

Old lady: "Oh son, son. Come here for a second would you?"

Young Man: "Err, ok. What can I do for you dear?"

"Son, Ive never been kissed in my 82 years of exsistance. Do you think you could make an old woman happy by giving her a wee kiss?"

"Errr" Long pause "Ok, just the one mind"

*kisses*

"Oh son, that was grand. Thankyou for taking the time to do that for me."

"Thats ok, right. So, see you la..."

"Oh no, wait son! Ive got another favour to ask of you. You see, Ive never been poked before and before I die I'd like to experience it at least once. Please son, could you poke us?"

*guy hesistates*

"Please son. Do it for an old lady."

"Errmm, Ok! Just a quick one though, ok?"

*guy does the deed*

"Son! That was just braw, youve made me feel like a real woman, oohhhh. Now, before you go I one last thing to ask."

"Aww, what now?!?"

"Son" long pause "You see, son. Ive never been fucked, son."

"Ah, right. I see."

"Do you think you could maybe..."

"Aye, nae bother"

"Oh thankyou son. Youre so kind to...son....what are you doing?!?!?!"

*guy pushes wheel chair into the sea*

"You're fucked now!"