jokes - Page 6

*Lyndsey* · 29th March 2005, 06:30 PM

thats not a joke!

haha a girl in my work told me this one gah -

what goes "ooooo ooooo ooooo"?

a cow with no lips

hmmmm

seonaid · 30th March 2005, 10:59 AM

what's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

stephen hawking in a house fire

4273stuart · 30th March 2005, 07:27 PM

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma." The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

*Lyndsey* · 31st March 2005, 06:26 PM

oooo oooo oooo i have one!!! right

so this farmer, after years of milking cows the traditional way, he finally has enough money to get an electrical machine to automatically milk the cows. a few days later, the machinery arrives, and seeing as the missus is out, farmer decides to try it out on himself. so, he gets his schlong out, hooks it up to the machine and off it goes. it satisfies him better than his wife ever could. after the deed is done, hes feeling pretty happy with himself, but when he tries to get it off he finds its still attatched to his willy. so he phones the 24 hour help line. "err hi farmer giles here, um how do i get the machine off the urrr cows teat?"

"ah dont worry about that mr giles!!! it automatically releases after its gathered 2 gallons!"

lucky lucky man haha

also, this was in fhm, a man had written in
"one nigth after being on the bevvie i pulled on overly large girl and took her home for some fun. as we got to the bedroom, i left the lights off and got ready to get down to some business.
i was sucking on her nipples quite vigorously when suddenly warm milk splattered in my mouth. bemused, i asked her if she had recently given birth, whch she replied pretty cheesed off "no!"
so we got down to the act
the next morning, i woke up next to the whale and was horrified when i looked at her chest to see that an inch next to her nipple she had a red, deflated remains of a massive boil. it wasnt milk after all."

yuck yuck. we get stuff like this sent to work all the time : )

4273stuart · 31st March 2005, 07:45 PM

A rabbit walks into a shop and asks, "Got any cabbage?" "I'm sorry, this is a butcher's shop," replies the man behind The counter. "But there's a grocer's just round the corner". So the rabbit hops off down the road. The following day, the rabbit returns and asks, "Got any Cabbage?" "No, this is a butchers, the grocer's is down the road". So of Hops the rabbit. The next day, the rabbit returns once again. "Got any cabbage?" he asks. "No! I've told you before, the grocers is down the road!" The next day, "Got any cabbage?" "NO!,NO!,NO! THIS IS A BUTCHER'S SHOP, THE GROCER'S IS DOWN THE ROAD!" The next day: "Got any cabbage?" "Right! That's it! I've had enough", shouts the enraged butcher. "If you ever come in my shop again, I'm going to nail your bloody Floppy ears to the floor!" A few days later, in hops the rabbit. "Got any nails?" he asks. "ER.....No", replies the baffled butcher. "Got any cabbage?"

*Lyndsey* · 1st April 2005, 11:59 AM

what do you call a good looking woman on the arm of an ugly man?

a tattoo : )

: : Scott : : · 1st April 2005, 12:17 PM

What's the difference between a mans penis and a banana?

DissolveD_JameS · 1st April 2005, 12:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by omgwtf

What's the difference between a mans penis and a banana?

confessions has never had a banana in her ass?

: : Scott : : · 1st April 2005, 12:35 PM

Incorrect answer compadre.

xglitter-me-upx · 1st April 2005, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by omgwtf

What's the difference between a mans penis and a banana?

Not alot.

DissolveD_JameS · 1st April 2005, 12:37 PM

Poor girl.

: : Scott : : · 1st April 2005, 12:42 PM

Btw guys my question wasn't a joke, I'm trying to decide wether or not this thing on my desk is safe to eat.

DissolveD_JameS · 1st April 2005, 12:44 PM

Either way you should be okay as long as it's neither too fresh or too ripe!

4273stuart · 1st April 2005, 03:46 PM

Four teenage Catholic girls die simultaneously in a car crash and arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks girl 1, "Have you ever touched a penis?" "Yes, father," girl one replies, "I once touched a man's penis with the very tip of my finger." "Swish that offending finger in holy water," St. Peter instructed, "Say a prayer begging forgiveness, and cross over into the promised land." Girl 2 says, "Yes, father, I once touched a man's penis with my whole hand." St. Peter instructed this second offending girl to douse her entire hand in holy water, say two prayers begging mercy, and proceed to heaven. As girl 3 approached, girl 4 shoved her aside. "Father," she shouted, "if you expect me to gargle with that crap AFTER she dunks her ass in there, you've got another thing coming!"

29th March 2005, 06:30 PM	#76 (permalink)
Lyndsey Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Sundee Posts: 5,284	thats not a joke! haha a girl in my work told me this one gah - what goes "ooooo ooooo ooooo"? a cow with no lips hmmmm

30th March 2005, 10:59 AM	#77 (permalink)
seonaid Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: dundee Posts: 590	what's black and sits at the top of the stairs? stephen hawking in a house fire

30th March 2005, 07:27 PM	#78 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma." The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

31st March 2005, 06:26 PM	#79 (permalink)
Lyndsey Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Sundee Posts: 5,284	oooo oooo oooo i have one!!! right so this farmer, after years of milking cows the traditional way, he finally has enough money to get an electrical machine to automatically milk the cows. a few days later, the machinery arrives, and seeing as the missus is out, farmer decides to try it out on himself. so, he gets his schlong out, hooks it up to the machine and off it goes. it satisfies him better than his wife ever could. after the deed is done, hes feeling pretty happy with himself, but when he tries to get it off he finds its still attatched to his willy. so he phones the 24 hour help line. "err hi farmer giles here, um how do i get the machine off the urrr cows teat?" "ah dont worry about that mr giles!!! it automatically releases after its gathered 2 gallons!" lucky lucky man haha also, this was in fhm, a man had written in "one nigth after being on the bevvie i pulled on overly large girl and took her home for some fun. as we got to the bedroom, i left the lights off and got ready to get down to some business. i was sucking on her nipples quite vigorously when suddenly warm milk splattered in my mouth. bemused, i asked her if she had recently given birth, whch she replied pretty cheesed off "no!" so we got down to the act the next morning, i woke up next to the whale and was horrified when i looked at her chest to see that an inch next to her nipple she had a red, deflated remains of a massive boil. it wasnt milk after all." yuck yuck. we get stuff like this sent to work all the time : )

31st March 2005, 07:45 PM	#80 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A rabbit walks into a shop and asks, "Got any cabbage?" "I'm sorry, this is a butcher's shop," replies the man behind The counter. "But there's a grocer's just round the corner". So the rabbit hops off down the road. The following day, the rabbit returns and asks, "Got any Cabbage?" "No, this is a butchers, the grocer's is down the road". So of Hops the rabbit. The next day, the rabbit returns once again. "Got any cabbage?" he asks. "No! I've told you before, the grocers is down the road!" The next day, "Got any cabbage?" "NO!,NO!,NO! THIS IS A BUTCHER'S SHOP, THE GROCER'S IS DOWN THE ROAD!" The next day: "Got any cabbage?" "Right! That's it! I've had enough", shouts the enraged butcher. "If you ever come in my shop again, I'm going to nail your bloody Floppy ears to the floor!" A few days later, in hops the rabbit. "Got any nails?" he asks. "ER.....No", replies the baffled butcher. "Got any cabbage?"

1st April 2005, 11:59 AM	#81 (permalink)
Lyndsey Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Sundee Posts: 5,284	what do you call a good looking woman on the arm of an ugly man? a tattoo : )

1st April 2005, 12:17 PM	#82 (permalink)
: : Scott : : Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Dundee Posts: 7,138	What's the difference between a mans penis and a banana?

1st April 2005, 12:35 PM	#84 (permalink)
: : Scott : : Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Dundee Posts: 7,138	Incorrect answer compadre.

1st April 2005, 12:37 PM	#86 (permalink)
DissolveD_JameS Restrained Abuser Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Dundee Posts: 1,264 Band: Dissolved	Poor girl.

1st April 2005, 12:42 PM	#87 (permalink)
: : Scott : : Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Dundee Posts: 7,138	Btw guys my question wasn't a joke, I'm trying to decide wether or not this thing on my desk is safe to eat.

1st April 2005, 12:44 PM	#88 (permalink)
DissolveD_JameS Restrained Abuser Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Dundee Posts: 1,264 Band: Dissolved	Either way you should be okay as long as it's neither too fresh or too ripe!

1st April 2005, 03:46 PM	#89 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Four teenage Catholic girls die simultaneously in a car crash and arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks girl 1, "Have you ever touched a penis?" "Yes, father," girl one replies, "I once touched a man's penis with the very tip of my finger." "Swish that offending finger in holy water," St. Peter instructed, "Say a prayer begging forgiveness, and cross over into the promised land." Girl 2 says, "Yes, father, I once touched a man's penis with my whole hand." St. Peter instructed this second offending girl to douse her entire hand in holy water, say two prayers begging mercy, and proceed to heaven. As girl 3 approached, girl 4 shoved her aside. "Father," she shouted, "if you expect me to gargle with that crap AFTER she dunks her ass in there, you've got another thing coming!"