jokes - Page 7

thomasjmaccoll · 1st April 2005, 04:42 PM

i've said it before and i'll say it again:

why do girls wear makeup and perfume?

because they're ugly and they smell.

4273stuart · 2nd April 2005, 12:36 PM

A guy pulls into a little town, and every hotel room is taken. He says to the hotel clerk, "You've gotta have a room somewhere, or just a bed...please I'm really beat." The clerk says, "Well, I do have a double room with only one occupant, and I'm sure he'd be glad to split the cost. But he snores so loudly that the people in adjoining rooms have been complaining all week." The guy says, "No problem, I'll take it." The next morning the guy comes down to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. The manager said, "How'd you sleep with him snoring?" The guy says, "I shut him up quick." The manager says, "How'd you do that?" The guy says, "He was already in bed snoring when I came into the room. So I went over and gave him a big kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.' And he sat up and watched me all night."

seonaid · 2nd April 2005, 12:39 PM

what's white and wriggles on the floor?

cum dancing

4273stuart · 3rd April 2005, 01:14 PM

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"

4273stuart · 4th April 2005, 02:38 PM

A guy goes to a party one night, and after a couple of hours, he hears the most amazing piano music being played. He thinks it is the most wonderful music he has ever heard and makes his way over to the pianist. "I have to say that the music that you are playing is wonderful." "Thank you very much" says the pianist. "I've never heard this song before, what is it called?" "I called it 'I shag my wife up the arse and come all over her tits'" "Bloody hell, that's a bit harsh isn't it. I must say though, that I'm having a party in a couple of weeks and would love you to play at it. Perhaps you could just tone down the names of the songs that you will be playing - my guests wouldn't approve." "No problem" says the pianist. Two weeks later the guy is having his party and the pianist is there and he's playing like a donkey, all the wrong keys - it really is the most dreadful music the guy has ever heard. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the guy. "I'm so sorry, I know I'm playing badly but I really need a wank." "A wank - but you're meant to be playing the piano - all my guests are here." "I know but I can't play well until I've had one." "OK, OK, go into the bathroom, there are some mags in the cupboard and just get back here as soon as you can." Ten minutes later the pianist comes back from the bathroom, sits down at the piano and starts playing beautifully, just the way he's meant to. After a little while a lady walks up to him and says: "Excuse me but do you know your cock's hanging out and you've got spunk all over your trousers?" "Know it?" he says, "I wrote it."

*Lyndsey* · 4th April 2005, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DissolveD_JameS

confessions has never had a banana in her ass?

how the fuck would you know???

4273stuart · 5th April 2005, 03:57 PM

A Scotsman, Englishman and Nigerian are all in the Maternity ward. The Doctor comes through with congratulations to them all, explaining that they are all the proud new fathers of baby sons. However he says,there has been a problem. "We were really busy, and somehow we have managed to get your three sons mixed up." In order to sort the situation out the Doctor suggests they draw lots to see who gets first choice. The result is that the Scotsman gets first choice. The Doctor takes the Scotsman through to the 3 babies. "I'll take that one" he says pointing to the little black child. "Hold on" says the Doctor "that's obviously not your son, he's black and both you and your wife are white!" "I know," replies the Scotsman, "but one of the other two is English, and I am just not prepared to take the risk."

*Lyndsey* · 5th April 2005, 06:02 PM

a taxman is in sorting out a rabbi's books and wants to know if he has anything to declare

first off the rabbi says "well every year we send the melted down wax back to the candle maker and they give us a free box of candles"

"ok" says the taxman, "anything else?"

"well" says the rabbi "after coffee mornings we send the crumbs from the biscuits back and the biscuit factory sends us free box of biscuits"

"right right" says the taxman"anything else?"

"well there is one more thing..." says the rabbi

"yes?" - taxman

"well with the circumsicions, we collect all the pieces of removed foreskin"

"really?" asks the rabbi "what do you do with those?"

"well we send them to the tax office and every year he sends a little prick like you"

old wifie in work told me that one : )

trickyvicki · 5th April 2005, 06:35 PM

My dad had that joke sent to him and then he sent it to me. I thought it was brilliant!!

*Lyndsey* · 5th April 2005, 06:38 PM

haha yeah i think it was sent to my work (clientlogic) and everyones got it now

4273stuart · 6th April 2005, 12:06 PM

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end." "That, son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant." A short embarrassed silence after which she replies, "That's nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son," replies the father. "No at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

4273stuart · 7th April 2005, 07:19 PM

A bloke goes into a supermarket and buys: * one tin of beans * one bag of crisps * one pack of burgers * one tub of icecream * one cake * one yoghurt * one pint of milk He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single. The bloke says sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?" The girl replies, "You're an ugly bastard."

Filthy Ritch · 7th April 2005, 07:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

A bloke goes into a supermarket and buys: * one tin of beans * one bag of crisps * one pack of burgers * one tub of icecream * one cake * one yoghurt * one pint of milk He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single. The bloke says sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?" The girl replies, "You're an ugly bastard."

hahaha i love that one

4273stuart · 9th April 2005, 07:28 PM

A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically. He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid." The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to console her. He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."

1st April 2005, 04:42 PM	#91 (permalink)
thomasjmaccoll Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: 47 millbank, cupar, fife Posts: 1,109	i've said it before and i'll say it again: why do girls wear makeup and perfume? because they're ugly and they smell.

2nd April 2005, 12:36 PM	#92 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A guy pulls into a little town, and every hotel room is taken. He says to the hotel clerk, "You've gotta have a room somewhere, or just a bed...please I'm really beat." The clerk says, "Well, I do have a double room with only one occupant, and I'm sure he'd be glad to split the cost. But he snores so loudly that the people in adjoining rooms have been complaining all week." The guy says, "No problem, I'll take it." The next morning the guy comes down to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. The manager said, "How'd you sleep with him snoring?" The guy says, "I shut him up quick." The manager says, "How'd you do that?" The guy says, "He was already in bed snoring when I came into the room. So I went over and gave him a big kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.' And he sat up and watched me all night."

2nd April 2005, 12:39 PM	#93 (permalink)
seonaid Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: dundee Posts: 589	what's white and wriggles on the floor? cum dancing

3rd April 2005, 01:14 PM	#94 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"

4th April 2005, 02:38 PM	#95 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A guy goes to a party one night, and after a couple of hours, he hears the most amazing piano music being played. He thinks it is the most wonderful music he has ever heard and makes his way over to the pianist. "I have to say that the music that you are playing is wonderful." "Thank you very much" says the pianist. "I've never heard this song before, what is it called?" "I called it 'I shag my wife up the arse and come all over her tits'" "Bloody hell, that's a bit harsh isn't it. I must say though, that I'm having a party in a couple of weeks and would love you to play at it. Perhaps you could just tone down the names of the songs that you will be playing - my guests wouldn't approve." "No problem" says the pianist. Two weeks later the guy is having his party and the pianist is there and he's playing like a donkey, all the wrong keys - it really is the most dreadful music the guy has ever heard. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the guy. "I'm so sorry, I know I'm playing badly but I really need a wank." "A wank - but you're meant to be playing the piano - all my guests are here." "I know but I can't play well until I've had one." "OK, OK, go into the bathroom, there are some mags in the cupboard and just get back here as soon as you can." Ten minutes later the pianist comes back from the bathroom, sits down at the piano and starts playing beautifully, just the way he's meant to. After a little while a lady walks up to him and says: "Excuse me but do you know your cock's hanging out and you've got spunk all over your trousers?" "Know it?" he says, "I wrote it."

5th April 2005, 03:57 PM	#97 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A Scotsman, Englishman and Nigerian are all in the Maternity ward. The Doctor comes through with congratulations to them all, explaining that they are all the proud new fathers of baby sons. However he says,there has been a problem. "We were really busy, and somehow we have managed to get your three sons mixed up." In order to sort the situation out the Doctor suggests they draw lots to see who gets first choice. The result is that the Scotsman gets first choice. The Doctor takes the Scotsman through to the 3 babies. "I'll take that one" he says pointing to the little black child. "Hold on" says the Doctor "that's obviously not your son, he's black and both you and your wife are white!" "I know," replies the Scotsman, "but one of the other two is English, and I am just not prepared to take the risk."

5th April 2005, 06:02 PM	#98 (permalink)
Lyndsey Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Sundee Posts: 5,282	a taxman is in sorting out a rabbi's books and wants to know if he has anything to declare first off the rabbi says "well every year we send the melted down wax back to the candle maker and they give us a free box of candles" "ok" says the taxman, "anything else?" "well" says the rabbi "after coffee mornings we send the crumbs from the biscuits back and the biscuit factory sends us free box of biscuits" "right right" says the taxman"anything else?" "well there is one more thing..." says the rabbi "yes?" - taxman "well with the circumsicions, we collect all the pieces of removed foreskin" "really?" asks the rabbi "what do you do with those?" "well we send them to the tax office and every year he sends a little prick like you" old wifie in work told me that one : )

5th April 2005, 06:35 PM	#99 (permalink)
trickyvicki Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: dundee Posts: 1,544	My dad had that joke sent to him and then he sent it to me. I thought it was brilliant!!

5th April 2005, 06:38 PM	#100 (permalink)
Lyndsey Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Sundee Posts: 5,282	haha yeah i think it was sent to my work (clientlogic) and everyones got it now

6th April 2005, 12:06 PM	#101 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end." "That, son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant." A short embarrassed silence after which she replies, "That's nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son," replies the father. "No at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

7th April 2005, 07:19 PM	#102 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A bloke goes into a supermarket and buys: * one tin of beans * one bag of crisps * one pack of burgers * one tub of icecream * one cake * one yoghurt * one pint of milk He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single. The bloke says sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?" The girl replies, "You're an ugly bastard."

9th April 2005, 07:28 PM	#104 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically. He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid." The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to console her. He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."