jokes - Page 8

4273stuart · 10th April 2005, 12:38 PM

A girl goes to the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor. "Oh my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor. "Oh my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. She replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, why do you ask?"

chrono · 10th April 2005, 10:49 PM

erm. i made this one up myself.

Have you heard about the new emo bakery that's opened up down town?

It's called ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Bread.

: : Scott : : · 10th April 2005, 10:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrono

erm. i made this one up myself.

Have you heard about the new emo bakery that's opened up down town?

It's called ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Bread.

[IRATE RANT ABOUT USE OF TERM "EMO" AND NATURE OF TERM

SUGGESTION: FOURFA]

chrono · 10th April 2005, 10:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by omgwtf

[IRATE RANT ABOUT USE OF TERM "EMO" AND NATURE OF TERM

SUGGESTION: FOURFA]

I know trail of dead don't really qualify as emo but i needed to make sacrifices for my ART.

my art being comedy.

*cough*

4273stuart · 12th April 2005, 08:20 PM

1 Conversation Women think men bond in pubs by talking about sex, sport, sex, cars, and sex.
Actually we talk about rubbish. Men just drink and grin at each other if nobody can think of anything daft enough to say.

2 Parties Men want to leave parties right at the very end, or later, if possible.
Women want to leave before it gets going, or sooner.

3 Sitting Women have to sit down, especially when there are no chairs about. Women can sit, or they can dance, but they can't stand.
Men like to lie or stand. Sitting is alien to us, and if forced to sit, we either slump or sprawl.

4 Clothes Men don't like other people wearing their clothes.
Women like to wear their man's clothes, which they keep forever. The exception is the dressing gown, which they return with the sleeves rolled up.

5 Temperature Women have to be another temperature from what it is. If it goes plus or minus one degree they are either freezing or boiling. Usually they are freezing, even though they are wearing your coat.

6 Food Women like to eat salad.
Men can only eat salad after years of training, and then only if it's got burger and chips with it.

7 Toilets Women think men compare penises in the toilet. It never occurs to them this would result in having all your teeth knocked out.
Men have no idea why women go to the toilet in groups. Presumably it is to help each other arrange themselves in such a way over the seat that they don't touch anything.

8 Pockets Men keep their stuff in their pockets.
Women keep their stuff in a bag. Inside this bag is a smaller bag with more stuff in it.

9 Cars When women buy a car, they check for colour, and whether there's a mirror under the sun-visor.
Men kick the tyres, try to open the bonnet, and check to see if a potato has ever been shoved in the exhaust after a wedding.

10 Wendy All men are bastards (except me), but some women are called Wendy. No men are.

11 Health If there's something wrong with them, women go to the doctor, and of there's nothing wrong with them, women go to the doctor.
Men only go if there's something so wrong they can't go to the doctor.

12 Lifespan Women live longer then men because they talk about things properly.
Men start wars and get killed because they haven't talked about things properly. Men will say, "Why don't we roll down that hill in a barrel?" and the other men say "Yes!" without talking about it properly. Then they roll down the hill onto the M62.

13 Orgasms After an orgasm men want to go to sleep, go home, or go back to work.
Women want their one too.

14 Wind Women always know exactly what has given them wind. "I should never have eaten that sprout," they say.
Men don't know because by the time they get wind they are too full of beer and the sprouts that women spurn.

15 Chores Women can do two things at once. They can iron and watch TV. Men can only do one thing at once, and I'm sorry but that's just not enough.

16 Finishing Women expect men will finish a job they start.
Men know that all jobs have lives of their own. Completing a job would be a little but like killing it, and that makes us sad.

17 Equality Women are able to do everything men can do except unblocking drains.

18 Spoons and Cups Women care deeply about cups and spoons, yet they mix gloss paint in a cup with a spoon.
Men would never do that, even though we don't give a toss about the cup or the spoon.

19 Machines Women never read manuals. They expect an appliance to do exactly what they want just by pushing a button.
Men always read the manual, or at least look at it for a long time.
Women want the machine for it's body, not it's mind.
Men need to have a relationship with it. Sometimes they take it to bits and adore it, then can't put it back together.

20 Compost Men like it, women don't.

4273stuart · 12th April 2005, 08:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seonaid

a boy's walking along the street when a car pulls up alongside him. the person in the car winds the window down: "little boy, i'll give you a sweet if you come in my car". the little boy turns round and says "give me the whole packet and i'll come in your mouth"

A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating some candy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hair on the floor. "Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?" asked the barber. "Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!" said the girl!

earmuffin · 12th April 2005, 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

10 Wendy All men are bastards (except me), but some women are called Wendy. No men are.

phew, this guy really knows his shit

Hat Of Cheese · 12th April 2005, 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by earmuffin

phew, this guy really knows his shit

actually, I know a guy who everyone knows as Wendy, even most of the staff...

*Lyndsey* · 12th April 2005, 08:39 PM

i know a man who gets called gladys and wears a dress

*Lyndsey* · 12th April 2005, 08:40 PM

oooh and joke

woman goes to docs complainging that her vagina keeps giving out the tune "is this the way to amirillo"
doc says - "dont worry, every cunts singing it just now"

Filthy Ritch · 12th April 2005, 09:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by confessions

oooh and joke

woman goes to docs complainging that her vagina keeps giving out the tune "is this the way to amirillo"
doc says - "dont worry, every cunts singing it just now"

hahahahahahaha

hahaha

haha

ha.....

4273stuart · 15th April 2005, 01:11 PM

Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?" Other man, "Bloody hell, no!" First man, "Want to come camping?"

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks. The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here." The second drunk says,"I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

Did you ever wonder what the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend, and a wife are?
The prostitute says "That'll be $100."
The girlfriend says "Oh, baby! I love you, I love you, I love you!"
The wife says "Beige. Yeah. Beige. I'll paint the ceiling beige."

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered that question..."

DissolveD_JameS · 15th April 2005, 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered that question..."

Quality.

10th April 2005, 12:38 PM	#106 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A girl goes to the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor. "Oh my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor. "Oh my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. She replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, why do you ask?"

10th April 2005, 10:49 PM	#107 (permalink)
chrono Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Dundee Posts: 1,149	erm. i made this one up myself. Have you heard about the new emo bakery that's opened up down town? It's called ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Bread.

12th April 2005, 08:20 PM	#110 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	1 Conversation Women think men bond in pubs by talking about sex, sport, sex, cars, and sex. Actually we talk about rubbish. Men just drink and grin at each other if nobody can think of anything daft enough to say. 2 Parties Men want to leave parties right at the very end, or later, if possible. Women want to leave before it gets going, or sooner. 3 Sitting Women have to sit down, especially when there are no chairs about. Women can sit, or they can dance, but they can't stand. Men like to lie or stand. Sitting is alien to us, and if forced to sit, we either slump or sprawl. 4 Clothes Men don't like other people wearing their clothes. Women like to wear their man's clothes, which they keep forever. The exception is the dressing gown, which they return with the sleeves rolled up. 5 Temperature Women have to be another temperature from what it is. If it goes plus or minus one degree they are either freezing or boiling. Usually they are freezing, even though they are wearing your coat. 6 Food Women like to eat salad. Men can only eat salad after years of training, and then only if it's got burger and chips with it. 7 Toilets Women think men compare penises in the toilet. It never occurs to them this would result in having all your teeth knocked out. Men have no idea why women go to the toilet in groups. Presumably it is to help each other arrange themselves in such a way over the seat that they don't touch anything. 8 Pockets Men keep their stuff in their pockets. Women keep their stuff in a bag. Inside this bag is a smaller bag with more stuff in it. 9 Cars When women buy a car, they check for colour, and whether there's a mirror under the sun-visor. Men kick the tyres, try to open the bonnet, and check to see if a potato has ever been shoved in the exhaust after a wedding. 10 Wendy All men are bastards (except me), but some women are called Wendy. No men are. 11 Health If there's something wrong with them, women go to the doctor, and of there's nothing wrong with them, women go to the doctor. Men only go if there's something so wrong they can't go to the doctor. 12 Lifespan Women live longer then men because they talk about things properly. Men start wars and get killed because they haven't talked about things properly. Men will say, "Why don't we roll down that hill in a barrel?" and the other men say "Yes!" without talking about it properly. Then they roll down the hill onto the M62. 13 Orgasms After an orgasm men want to go to sleep, go home, or go back to work. Women want their one too. 14 Wind Women always know exactly what has given them wind. "I should never have eaten that sprout," they say. Men don't know because by the time they get wind they are too full of beer and the sprouts that women spurn. 15 Chores Women can do two things at once. They can iron and watch TV. Men can only do one thing at once, and I'm sorry but that's just not enough. 16 Finishing Women expect men will finish a job they start. Men know that all jobs have lives of their own. Completing a job would be a little but like killing it, and that makes us sad. 17 Equality Women are able to do everything men can do except unblocking drains. 18 Spoons and Cups Women care deeply about cups and spoons, yet they mix gloss paint in a cup with a spoon. Men would never do that, even though we don't give a toss about the cup or the spoon. 19 Machines Women never read manuals. They expect an appliance to do exactly what they want just by pushing a button. Men always read the manual, or at least look at it for a long time. Women want the machine for it's body, not it's mind. Men need to have a relationship with it. Sometimes they take it to bits and adore it, then can't put it back together. 20 Compost Men like it, women don't.

12th April 2005, 08:39 PM	#114 (permalink)
Lyndsey Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Sundee Posts: 5,284	i know a man who gets called gladys and wears a dress

12th April 2005, 08:40 PM	#115 (permalink)
Lyndsey Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Sundee Posts: 5,284	oooh and joke woman goes to docs complainging that her vagina keeps giving out the tune "is this the way to amirillo" doc says - "dont worry, every cunts singing it just now"

15th April 2005, 01:11 PM	#117 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?" Other man, "Bloody hell, no!" First man, "Want to come camping?" Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks. The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here." The second drunk says,"I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down" Did you ever wonder what the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend, and a wife are? The prostitute says "That'll be $100." The girlfriend says "Oh, baby! I love you, I love you, I love you!" The wife says "Beige. Yeah. Beige. I'll paint the ceiling beige." A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered that question..."