jokes - Page 9

Baz · 15th April 2005, 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeebus

How many popes does it take to change a Michael Jackson?

Baz I'm looking at you to answer this.

WHY THE LONG FACE!!!

sorry, private banter

maz · 20th April 2005, 08:37 AM

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE! ! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT! ! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*! $% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? ! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! ! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE! ! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry.. what did you ask me?

4273stuart · 22nd April 2005, 11:14 AM

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?" The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby". The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".

Going Gone · 22nd April 2005, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?" The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby". The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".

Haha class

4273stuart · 23rd April 2005, 03:33 PM

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

beansie · 26th April 2005, 12:34 AM

whats black and screams?

stevie wonder answering the iron

4273stuart · 27th April 2005, 12:31 PM

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish."

dundeemedia · 27th April 2005, 12:33 PM

Why can women not blink during foreplay?

There ain't enough time!

Rosco the Bosco · 27th April 2005, 12:34 PM

What do you call a black man who flies a plane?

A Pilot, you racist bastard!!!!

Mr Creosote · 27th April 2005, 04:39 PM

a primary school teacher is asking her class what their dads do for a living. wee bobby says "my dad's a farmer miss, he grows cows" wee johnny says "my daddy's a policeman miss, he puts bad men in prison" wee jamie says "my dad's a grocer miss, he sells vegetables" and so on, till all the class has answered apart from wee timmy in the corner. the teacher asks "what does your daddy do, timmy?" wee timmy says "my daddy's dead miss" the teacher says "i'm sorry to hear that timmy, what did he do before he died?" and wee timmy says "he turned blue and shat all over the carpet, miss"

4273stuart · 28th April 2005, 11:03 AM

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. TheEnglishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while, until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions; I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kickyou." The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."

4273stuart · 30th April 2005, 12:25 PM

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems. A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too much!" He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much. The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was really well hung. She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked, "Now what?" The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"

4273stuart · 2nd May 2005, 11:14 AM

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!" The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home." Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for." "That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

*Lyndsey* · 3rd May 2005, 09:05 PM

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

20th April 2005, 08:37 AM	#122 (permalink)
maz Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Scotland, Dundee Posts: 1,104	Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE! ! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT! ! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*! $% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? ! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! ! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE! ! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry.. what did you ask me?

22nd April 2005, 11:14 AM	#123 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?" The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby". The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".

23rd April 2005, 03:33 PM	#125 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

26th April 2005, 12:34 AM	#126 (permalink)
beansie Registered User Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: monikie Posts: 40	whats black and screams? stevie wonder answering the iron

27th April 2005, 12:31 PM	#127 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish."

27th April 2005, 12:33 PM	#128 (permalink)
dundeemedia Registered User Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: dundee Posts: 25	Why can women not blink during foreplay? There ain't enough time!

27th April 2005, 12:34 PM	#129 (permalink)
Rosco the Bosco Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Dundee Posts: 2,832 Band: No, i've never been Banned.	What do you call a black man who flies a plane? A Pilot, you racist bastard!!!!

27th April 2005, 04:39 PM	#130 (permalink)
Mr Creosote General Refribulator Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: dundee Posts: 188	a primary school teacher is asking her class what their dads do for a living. wee bobby says "my dad's a farmer miss, he grows cows" wee johnny says "my daddy's a policeman miss, he puts bad men in prison" wee jamie says "my dad's a grocer miss, he sells vegetables" and so on, till all the class has answered apart from wee timmy in the corner. the teacher asks "what does your daddy do, timmy?" wee timmy says "my daddy's dead miss" the teacher says "i'm sorry to hear that timmy, what did he do before he died?" and wee timmy says "he turned blue and shat all over the carpet, miss"

28th April 2005, 11:03 AM	#131 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. TheEnglishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while, until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions; I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kickyou." The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."

30th April 2005, 12:25 PM	#132 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems. A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too much!" He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much. The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was really well hung. She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked, "Now what?" The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"

2nd May 2005, 11:14 AM	#133 (permalink)
4273stuart old school Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 275	A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!" The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home." Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for." "That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

3rd May 2005, 09:05 PM	#134 (permalink)
Lyndsey Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Sundee Posts: 5,284	The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."