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7th March 2005, 08:36 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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old school
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Dundee
Posts: 275
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jokes
I going to put one joke hare a day or something will try not to offend anyone.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender. "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!" |
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9th March 2005, 05:28 PM
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#6 (permalink) |
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old school
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Dundee
Posts: 275
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Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube." Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle. As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes." When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months. They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks. It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops! her right there on the dining room table. Nobody says nothing. He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her. He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline. Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes." Last edited by 4273stuart : 8th February 2006 at 05:21 PM. |
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9th March 2005, 05:55 PM
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#8 (permalink) |
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Dundee, TOTH
Posts: 481
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girl walks into a bar to and asks for a double entendre. the barman flatly refuses, citing that a "double entendre" is in fact not a drink. embarrassed, she asks for a vodka and coke, which the barman then serves her without incident. the girl looks at the clock and sees her boyfriend should arrive in a few minutes. she sits at a table by the window, occupied by a scotsman, and englishman and an irishman, again without incident. at this point a bishop, a rabbi and a zulu priest walk into the bar.
while this strikes the clientele and barstaff alike as being a little odd, they simply walk to the bar and order three fresh orange juices and sit at a table in the corner by the fruit machine. ten minutes pass, and her boyfriend as still not arrived. however, a man walks through the door, leading both a lion and a penguin into the bar. at this point the doorstaff urge the man to leave, with the reasonable claim that a bar is not the place for such animals, and the only animals that the bar can legally facilitate are dogs for the visually impaired. the man causes quite a stir, but accepts that he should have perhaps left his pets at home. angered and slightly worried as to why her boyfriend has still not arrived, the girl notices a payphone across the street from her position at the window. she decides to give his mobile a quick call. she dials his number anxiously, her fingers shaking. he answers; "sorry darling I was held up at work, I'm just coming around the corner to the bar now" she then sees her boyfriend emerge from the corner by the door of the bar, true to his word. |
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9th March 2005, 06:18 PM
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#11 (permalink) | |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 2,410
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