Sexist Jokes

[TheMovie]

knock knock
whos there
a boob

[humndislocation]

Originally Posted by Kevxx

when chatting up chicks DNT

Say ..my mums got that dress

or bend them over and say heres something i learned in jail

or my fave..sorry , pardon me i'm trying not to make a pass , but you must be leaving the country if ur packing tht much ass

"Did it hurt?"

"Did what hurt?"

"When you fell out of the ugly tree?"

[thomasjmaccoll]

Originally Posted by Don

why do women wear make up and perfume?

coz they are ugly and they smell

the official jokes thread

joke thread?

Makes jokes funnierer!!

jokes



finally, this joke begins to get the recognition it deserves.



EDIT:
why did the woman cross the road?
i don't know, she should've been in the kitchen

[DissolveD_JameS]

Originally Posted by missK69

Target: ASDA (The british front for the insidious Wallmart corporation)



Dear ASDA,

I am a big fan of your store, I shop their regularly, and I always find the experience to my satisfaction.

But the other day I bought a large amount of your very reasonably priced pants from the George section of a London branch.

Due to the huge nature of my load I took one of your trollys with me to take the items home.

I was, however, half way home when one of the front wheels of the trolley began to malfunction. I must have looked foolish going around in concentric circles, so I thought it would be best to deposit the trolly in the place where trollys are usually dumped i.e the canal.

Well, I took a large circuitous route to the canal to avoid the mocking gaze of the public. And when I finally reached the canal side I saw a woman sitting there fishing.

I'm not one for celebrities, but I was sure she was the woman that was going out with Kurt Cobain many years ago. I attempted to make conversation with her, and reasoned that the best way would be to engage her with a discussion of her fishing activities.

So I said "You court any love?"

And she said "Yes", which was obviously a lie because I could see no fish next to her at all.

I assume she gave me this strange response because she was startled by your knackered trolly. So I promptly pushed it into the canal and left the scene.

Would it be possible to receive 50 pairs of black, medium sized George pants as compensation for my loss?

Also, it has come to my attention that you have a system for numbering your stores, and I've found to my alarm that you have a store with the code '666'. This, I hasten to add is the sign of the beast, and the coming apocalypse.

This store is in a town called Dunstable, in Bedfordshire.

Now, it is no coincidence that, if you remove the letter 'D' from the beginning of the word 'Dunstable' you have the word 'unstable'. Is this a sign that the four horseman of the apocalypse are going to rise up from Dunstable?

Is ASDA really a front for Walmart, and is Walmart a front for satan?

I'm onto something here and you know it.

But if you send me the pants I'm willing to forget all about it, and I won't tell God.

Yours Sincerely,

Me

That's neither sexist or a joke. How's your mum btw?

[4273stuart]

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.



THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch eastenders.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.

[4273stuart]

this maybe a bit much

At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

[4273stuart]

God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden. So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue." Adam says, "That sounds great." God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam says, "Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"

Georgie is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful women. An old friend sees him and says, "Georgie, you look great...you're beautiful!" Georgie says, "Thanks...but holy Christ, did it hurt." His friend says, "When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?" Georgie says, "No, that didn't really hurt." His friend says, "When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?" Georgie says, "No, that didn't really hurt." His friend says, "Then what did hurt?" Georgie says, "When the doctor drilled a fucking hole in my head and sucked out half my brain."

[4273stuart]

"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

[4273stuart]

ONE FOR THE LADIES

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."