Sexist Jokes

[Dj-Zero]

My friend, not happy with his girlfriend's mood swings, bought her a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor her moods. When she's in a good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood it leaves a big flipping red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy her a diamond. He came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.


A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour.

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.


He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'. She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'.


He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?'. She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat b*stard'.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.


Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Q: Why do men want to marry virgins? A: They can't stand criticism.


Q:Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking? A:Because those men already have boyfriends.

[Shawman]

Q. why do women have smaller feet

A. so they can get closer to the sink

[Baz]

why do women wear make up and perfume?

coz they are ugly and they smell

[Shawman]

behind every great woman...

... there's a man checking out her arse

[Nikki S]

haha those are good actually!

[Shawman]

awww i've just been trying to drown my troubles. But i can't convince the wife to come swimming

[captainclegg]

1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?

[captainclegg]

How do you know when a woman is about to say something really clever?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me.."

[captainclegg]

ummm better put a joke about men in too eh.

Why are men so bad at sex and driving?
Because the bastards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.

[Kevxx]

Why do women not have watchs?
The cooker tells the time

[Dashingmajor]

Q - Why don't women laugh at sexist jokes?

A - Because they haven't got a sense of humour.

Not funny of course. Could work the other way too.

E.

[missK69]

Target: ASDA (The british front for the insidious Wallmart corporation)



Dear ASDA,

I am a big fan of your store, I shop their regularly, and I always find the experience to my satisfaction.

But the other day I bought a large amount of your very reasonably priced pants from the George section of a London branch.

Due to the huge nature of my load I took one of your trollys with me to take the items home.

I was, however, half way home when one of the front wheels of the trolley began to malfunction. I must have looked foolish going around in concentric circles, so I thought it would be best to deposit the trolly in the place where trollys are usually dumped i.e the canal.

Well, I took a large circuitous route to the canal to avoid the mocking gaze of the public. And when I finally reached the canal side I saw a woman sitting there fishing.

I'm not one for celebrities, but I was sure she was the woman that was going out with Kurt Cobain many years ago. I attempted to make conversation with her, and reasoned that the best way would be to engage her with a discussion of her fishing activities.

So I said "You court any love?"

And she said "Yes", which was obviously a lie because I could see no fish next to her at all.

I assume she gave me this strange response because she was startled by your knackered trolly. So I promptly pushed it into the canal and left the scene.

Would it be possible to receive 50 pairs of black, medium sized George pants as compensation for my loss?

Also, it has come to my attention that you have a system for numbering your stores, and I've found to my alarm that you have a store with the code '666'. This, I hasten to add is the sign of the beast, and the coming apocalypse.

This store is in a town called Dunstable, in Bedfordshire.

Now, it is no coincidence that, if you remove the letter 'D' from the beginning of the word 'Dunstable' you have the word 'unstable'. Is this a sign that the four horseman of the apocalypse are going to rise up from Dunstable?

Is ASDA really a front for Walmart, and is Walmart a front for satan?

I'm onto something here and you know it.

But if you send me the pants I'm willing to forget all about it, and I won't tell God.

Yours Sincerely,

Me

[Rebelius]

umm....

what?

[Kevxx]

when chatting up chicks DNT

Say ..my mums got that dress

or bend them over and say heres something i learned in jail

or my fave..sorry , pardon me i'm trying not to make a pass , but you must be leaving the country if ur packing tht much ass