Kingdom of Heaven Review

[GhettoDefendant]

Anybody who tells you that the only conceivable reason for seeing Kingdom of Heaven is if you maintain a slightly unhealthy obsession with Orlando Bloom after LOTR is lying. There is also the glittering opportunity to see Jeremy ‘Scar’ Irons and Liam ‘I did Schindler’s List, I don’t ever need to do anything credible again if I don’t feel like it’ Neeson in action, albeit brief.

Given that I never was on the Legolas bandwagon (more of a pervy wizard fancier myself) I mainly went out of sheer desperation to get out of the house and away from revision. I should probably have rented Alien instead.

Clearly Monsieur Bloom is not familiar with the phrase ‘type cast’. In this film he reprises not only his blacksmith’s role from Pirates of the Caribbean, but his armoured-and-angsty parts in King Arthur and Troy. Oh, and of course it wouldn’t be an Orlando movie without the Legolas-esque stating of the obvious at every available opportunity, but we can put that down to snappy script writing.

However, we do not go to these films to see thoughtful, delicate acting or subtle, witty screenplay. We go for blood, sweat and big tough men killing each other in various horrible ways. On this score, director Ridley Scott delivers. The film is beautifully shot (although the slow motion sections in each battle gets a bit monotonous) and there is sand, stubble and manly sweat aplenty. The costumes are lovely, the beards look real and most of the acting is pretty good. Having said that, the battles are samey, the script is appalling and the overall effect is one of artificiality and lifelessness. We should feel sad when the king snuffs it, but no. A pall of indifference hangs over the auditorium.

If you are expecting this film to be another Gladiator, think again. Whilst it may be worth a watch with your dad when it comes on ITV one Saturday night in a few years, this is not the historical epic you want to be shelling out your student loaned pennies for. Hold out for Narnia, or the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. They’ll be more realistic.

[PrettyPumpkin]

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