tales from tesco... part one.

[humndislocation]

Originally Posted by gord

"It is the height of the British apple season and you have no British apples. Tesco is KILLING BRITISH FARMING"
(Er, we stock six lines of apples, four are British. Pay fucking attention.)

ARGHHH YOU OWE OTHER PEOPLE SOMETHING BECAUSE THEY HAPPEN TO LIVE ON THE SAME LANDMASS AS YOU YOU MUST BUY THEIR PRODUCTS OK THIS MAKES ME SOOOOO ANGRY ASDOGISODFGNOSFIGNOSFIG!!!!!

Fuck, if I ever own a shop that sells apples, I'm going to buy foreign food, just to spite the people that think I owe them a living because they're British.

Originally Posted by gord

"How much global warming is caused by leaving the front doors open all day?"
(Not alot. Fuck off.)

I think an appropriate response to this would be "How much global warming is caused by the massive hole in your head?"

[Schmurgle]

i love my job.

cust: I cant get my emails
me: ok what error do you get
cust:they just dont send or come into my inbox
me: right, (as i realise she is thick i ask her the crucial question) are you connected at the moment
cust:what???
me: open Internet Explorer
cust: oh i get an error
me: do you have a flashing green light n your modem?
cust: whats a modem??
me: it will be silver, connected into the back of the PC, few lights on the front of it
cust: no, we dont have one of those

turns out, her boss had left the company and fucked off with the modem

hahahahahaha

[njw]

i only worked for said tech support for a few months and the following were regular calls...

I found that women tended to be the worst, nippiest and angriest. Common problems include:

- Customer has not pressed 'connect'
- Customer does not have modem plugged in as they thought they only had to plug it in once and after that you can take it away and it still works.
- Customer wonders why - when using a package that is intended for a single computer - they get slow speeds on their network which contains 200 computers in 3 different cities.

Clientlogic guys - i'm sure you've heard this one... it has to be my favourite.

This call will usually last up to 10 minutes.

*** Customer calls but we cannot locate any of their details. We try several phone numbers, post code, company name, domain name etc. and we still cannot find details. Customer gets so so angry, demands to speak to manager etc. and I probe with further questions so i can finally get to the inevitable. It's an AOL customer calling BT.

[*Lyndsey*]

Originally Posted by Clogs

Clientlogic guys - i'm sure you've heard this one... it has to be my favourite.

This call will usually last up to 10 minutes.

*** Customer calls but we cannot locate any of their details. We try several phone numbers, post code, company name, domain name etc. and we still cannot find details. Customer gets so so angry, demands to speak to manager etc. and I probe with further questions so i can finally get to the inevitable. It's an AOL customer calling BT.

confirmed

[Thanatos]

Originally Posted by *Lyndsey*

confirmed

seconded.

ive had a residential customer turned to business recently an he got me cos his btinternet email wasnt working an told him he needed to speak to residential desk an he was complaining cos the reason he moved from res to bus was because he didn't have to call india for tech support. i felt i should have told him the truth that it wont matter what section he's with soon but i just quietly lolled to myself

[gord]

Couple of classics from todays comment card box at work:

"Why don't you have paper bags instead of plastic ones?"
(Er, because we're not an airline)

"Why are your prises so deer?"(sic)
(Er, why don't you learn to spell?)

"I prefer Asdas"
(Er, go there then)

Honestly, I'm out of the business for four days and I come back to that.

[krashd]

gord, i'm gonna spaff off into your comments box or something similarly sinister and leave you to discover my deed.

[*Lyndsey*]

Originally Posted by gord

"I prefer Asdas"
(Er, go there then)

I dont, tesco is way better : D

Argh I was "treated" to several renditions of shitty christmas songs agains : / People should really learn the words before singing grrr

[Darkyin]

I managed to perk/camp my way through tesco t'uther day.
including going up to two helpy people and going
GREETINGS! MY GOOD WOMEN! COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHERE YOUR TEA STRAINERS ARE LOCATED!?
Pea strainers....?
TEA STRAINERS! AS IN STRAINING TEA!
Home section, that way *points*
THANK YOU MY GOOD WOMEN!
*swirtles to the other end and accosts a man fixing a tv*
EXCUSE ME MY GOOD MAN! WHERE BE THINE TEA STRAINERS?!
umm...just over there i think, follow me
RIGHT OH!
*strokes his tea strainer*

[4273stuart]

one from my fatties days
this was when fatties first opened ground floor

Girl left her coat on the shelf just before cloakroom hatch and her friend stubbed out a fag on it setting the thing on fire.
Girl "my jacket just caught fire"
Me "I am sorry to hear that"
Girl "I demand a refund"
Me "for what exactly"
Girl "My jacket you idiot didnt you hear me its ruined"
Me "Did you put your jcket in the cloakroom"
Girl "NO dont you fucking listen its ruined"
Me "Did I ruin your jacket"
girl "No"
Me "Did one of my staff ruin your jacket"
Girl "No"
Me "So what exactly is it you want me to do then if we didnt damage your jacket and you didnt pay us to look after it"
At which point she went mental and got thrown out by security

[4273stuart]

From my fun new job.
Served a guy at the bar and gave him his change
Him "I gave you a £10 note"
Me "No it was a £5 sorry"
Him "Look I know your boss and I can go get a bank statement showing I took £40 out the bank and now have £30 so thats £10 think about it"
Me "You would have had to pay to come in hence you wouldnt have £40 now"
Him "Right I want to speak to your manager and your fucked cause he's my mate"
Me "OK"
stare at him for a bit
Me "Can I help you"
Him "I said I wanted to speak to the manager you stupid prick"
Me "Oh didnt I say I am the manager"
oh the laughter as I had the security kick him out

[Thanatos]

Originally Posted by 4273stuart

Me "Oh didnt I say I am the manager"

<3

i heart stuarts stories

[Shawman]

Originally Posted by Thanatos

<3

i heart stuarts stories

i still <3 thanatos' links lol