5 a side

[simmy]

Absolutely gutted the game was called off, I tried to get it back on cause I think I could have humped meroca!ne on my own!! Never mind, a good time was had by illfunks own Charlie Miller, Gazza and Jimmy five bellies (Ill let you decide) out on the town on Thursday night with a trip to the Manki Bra and some £1 voddies. Quality!!
Rumours in the press today about Fergie wanting to sign the multi-talented and positional Simmy, as well as being 'star' striker and the 'Cat' he is apparently going to be Man U's chief entertainer with his angel like Karaoke voice.

And so it ends. Merocaine finally re-grasp their form with a thrilling send off for player/manager Burton. The game finished 16-8 in what can only be described as a pulse racing encounter. Illfunk had gone into the match feeling confident despite some 1st team players missing through injury. This confidence could be justufied when you think that they have won each of the last 4 encounters. Merocaine boss Burton however seemed to have got his team selection and tactics spot-on. For Illfunk their was a recall of veteran defender George Burton Snr. as they looked to bolster the defence in anticipation of the Merocaine attacks. However the sheer ability, nad exquisite pace of the Merocaine squad had Illfunk on the ropes within the first 5 minutes. Man-of-the-match Gavin Burton said afterwards, "The boys were magnificent today. We showed great committment and passion. The fans were great and I'd have to admit to letting the odd tear escape as I left the Drummoig for the last time." Burton of course is now moving on the the fashion and lights of the San Siro Stadium in Milan following his World Record £46M transfer from Merocaine.
Meanwhile Illfunk boss Burton, who was booked following a Roy Keane esque tackle on his opposite number and brother looked devasted after the match. "I can't believe how badly we played today. I take full responsibility for the defeat. I let the boys get complacent." And on his booking, "Disgrace. I can't believe the ref booked me for that. I never touched him. He is testing out his diving capabilities for Milan." However T.V. evidence clearly showed Burton putting in a very hard and late tackle. The SFA are looking into the matter and Burton could now face a lengthly ban from both pitch and touchline. It will now be interesting to see how Merocaine cope with stand-in boss Neil Faulkner taking charge until a new boss is appointed. The fans want Kidd but the board want Paton.

I'm Jim White, thanks Charlie 'Cheers Jim' and thank you all for watching. We'll see you on Sunday night for Equestrianism, exclusively live on Sky Sports 3.

Jim White
Sky Sports Presenter.

after the shock news that the drumoig centre is to be demolished, illfunk christened the northern college with an emphatic 13-3 shafting over old adversaries merocaine. sweeper young mike was missing due to a passport fiasco with revelations that the player has forged his age and country of origin. even more shocking is the news that the reason playmaker reid has been missing is due to death threats from basque seperatives because the player turned down a move to catalan giants barcelona. after a shaky start the more experienced squad dominated the game throughout the field with mcgowan performing heriocs in defence and simmy in top goal scoring form. mcgowan was quoted after the game "the squad dedicate this result to the fans in this difficult time". mcgowan was of course refering to the team having to change it's name due to financial irregularities of it's trading company illfunk plc. the probable new moniker will be `a.c. firenze 1902 illfunk club de futbol'. both squads should be able to field 1st choice teams in tomorrows fixture but it remains to be seen if merocaine will so badly miss gav burton who is langushing on the sidelines of the san siro following his transfer to the red halve of milan.

Come on boys!!! We should never be beaten by this excuse for a football team. What are you Men or Mice? (Dont worry Dug you dont have to answer). If they put in a few hard tackles, hey it doesnt matter, thats football. Now lets get out there and bury this shite!!!

P.S. SIDELINES eh? Scored 4 on Sunday in an all European fixture.

Former Merocaine Manager
Gavin Burton

Call intercepted at 16:59 on 26/9/02

Am I the only person that noticed Alan Smith's performance last night against Macedonia? It would appear that the young England starlet has been closley studying the techniques of some of the Merrocaine team. His ability to charge up the feild at tremendous speed before unexpectedly hitting the deck at any given moment makes you wonder if there has been a silent spectator in the wings of the Northern College Arena. You would also wonder what fodd stuffs he had ingested before the game- a biscuit like snack smothered with caramel and chocolate; closely followed by a packet of light corn snacks with some sort of orange beast on the front perhaps. Rumours of traces of Twixes and Monster Munch found in a routine blood test after the game has led to speculation surrounding the Leeds striker's international career. Whatever inspired his Merrocaine style performance it wasn't enough to overcome the might of the great footballing nation that is Macedonia. Their slick passing and lively attacks were culminated in the first goal scored by Colombian superstar- Shakira. One would wonder exactly how much make up she would have needed to pull of the transformation from balding, ugly Macedonia winger to stunning Colombian popstar. However she was not the only celebrity to grace our TV screens in Macedonian clours. You have to wonder about the competence of the Macedonian F.A. ,however, in letting Barry from Eastenders manage the team, although a good result away from home should install some faith among his adoring public. In summary of all the points I have made here today Merrocaine are going to get HUMPED tonight.

illfunk win for the second consecutive week again in controversial circumstances. last weeks 3-2 victory was slightly tainted after a late merocaine goal was ruled out in the dying minutes. match official pierluigi collina later stated "nelly was inside the box, i was standing 2 yards away you shower o' cunts, now fuck off". worse was to come in last thursdays game when during play simmie was pelted with jim beam bottles and severed pigs heads when taking set-pieces (reports that the players checked the bottles for leftovers have been denied). the game ended in such a raping of merocaine that no-one could actually remember the score. illfunk player george burton is still absent after a foiled kidnapp attempt on his bird (£5 ransom was a bit steep) and merocaine fans resolve could be tested when kiddo returns from self exiled strike after a dispute over pay seems to be coming to an end. last word goes to sir bobby robson: "what...where am i?"