how to poo at work!

kj · 27th August 2003, 03:57 PM

HOW TO POO AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back

in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As

much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is

inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, the following is the

Survival Guide for taking a dump there.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not

in your area, everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it

came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full

fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell

has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check

for other Pooer's. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come

back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may

become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a

poo in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of

embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the

urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is

uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties

feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This

is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen,

do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to

spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water.

This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the

bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just

stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if

someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that

the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER

A colleague who poo's at work and is damn proud of it. You will often

see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or

magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the

Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing

goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the

whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least

expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This

will reduce the odds of a Pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to

force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable

moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in

the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all

uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you

Are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert

potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with

an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that

you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is

occupied.

If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the Pooer can

poo in peace.

WATERMELON

A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This

Is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create

a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE

A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet

water.

Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend

extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.

An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should

always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Davey · 27th August 2003, 03:59 PM

genius

njw · 27th August 2003, 04:06 PM

brilliant

honey bunny · 27th August 2003, 04:32 PM

fantastic, but with the watermelon i advise you line the bowl with toilet paper to soften the blow

ianb · 27th August 2003, 05:46 PM

that was...er, interesting. Very funny.

Andy · 28th August 2003, 04:56 PM

okay so 'fess up, who is an out of the closet pooer? I know I am at home, but in work? oh noooooo!

ianb · 28th August 2003, 05:31 PM

The shitter at my work is a little outhouse thingy, not the nicest unless you like your balls tickled by the numerous spiders. At least you can be alone with your thoughts, though. But right outside the door is a communal garden for a block of flats.

ianb · 28th August 2003, 05:34 PM

Was it just my school, or did everyone encounter the unwritten law of not pooping in the school. 6 years of holding it in

got my own back in the end, though.

njw · 28th August 2003, 10:26 PM

i did one shit in 6 years of school i seem to remember...

Mike - Indi Rev · 28th August 2003, 10:52 PM

The best shit ever in school was by a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless (but will know i'm talking about him if he reads this), who on the last day of school did a big dump in the latest edition of the guiness book of records and then put it back in its place in the school library.

class

aunt gary · 28th August 2003, 10:54 PM

Hey there sports fans

lmao! he told me about that, although wasnt it before the last day?
he said when he went back much later he found the pages clammed
together by the dried up poo

Chow ding

Mike - Indi Rev · 28th August 2003, 11:15 PM

it was the last day before the exams.

Richy Ritalin · 29th August 2003, 11:54 AM

Who the fuck says 'poo' that isn't under 7?

Laura* · 29th August 2003, 10:54 PM

ovbiously you do

andrewforce5 · 30th August 2003, 12:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Richy Ritalin

Who the fuck says 'poo' that isn't under 7?

i love how you have had 19 posts since october and you were so outraged you chose that to be one of them

27th August 2003, 03:57 PM	#1 (permalink)
kj gimp Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Scotland Posts: 14,138 Band: A band of merry men	how to poo at work! HOW TO POO AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump there. CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area, everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other Pooer's. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER A colleague who poo's at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom. THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a Pooer of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you Are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the Pooer can poo in peace. WATERMELON A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This Is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELETTE A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. __________________ This community cannot survive without your continued support. galleries \|\| links directory \|\| profiles \|\| wiki

27th August 2003, 04:06 PM	#3 (permalink)
njw Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: DD1 Posts: 8,227	brilliant __________________ You can put a cat in the oven, but that doesn't make it a biscuit.

28th August 2003, 10:26 PM	#9 (permalink)
njw Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: DD1 Posts: 8,227	i did one shit in 6 years of school i seem to remember... __________________ You can put a cat in the oven, but that doesn't make it a biscuit.

27th August 2003, 03:59 PM	#2 (permalink)
Davey Senior Member Join Date: May 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 5,317	genius

27th August 2003, 04:32 PM	#4 (permalink)
honey bunny Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: none of your goddam business Posts: 1,232	fantastic, but with the watermelon i advise you line the bowl with toilet paper to soften the blow

27th August 2003, 05:46 PM	#5 (permalink)
ianb Registered User Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Monifieth Posts: 359	that was...er, interesting. Very funny.

28th August 2003, 04:56 PM	#6 (permalink)
Andy Registered User Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Scumdee Posts: 63	okay so 'fess up, who is an out of the closet pooer? I know I am at home, but in work? oh noooooo!

28th August 2003, 05:31 PM	#7 (permalink)
ianb Registered User Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Monifieth Posts: 359	The shitter at my work is a little outhouse thingy, not the nicest unless you like your balls tickled by the numerous spiders. At least you can be alone with your thoughts, though. But right outside the door is a communal garden for a block of flats.

28th August 2003, 05:34 PM	#8 (permalink)
ianb Registered User Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Monifieth Posts: 359	Was it just my school, or did everyone encounter the unwritten law of not pooping in the school. 6 years of holding it in got my own back in the end, though.

28th August 2003, 10:52 PM	#10 (permalink)
Mike - Indi Rev Moderator Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Dundee Posts: 1,635 Band: Indi Rev & Ladybirds Can Fly	The best shit ever in school was by a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless (but will know i'm talking about him if he reads this), who on the last day of school did a big dump in the latest edition of the guiness book of records and then put it back in its place in the school library. class

28th August 2003, 10:54 PM	#11 (permalink)
aunt gary Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Dundee Posts: 7,351	Hey there sports fans lmao! he told me about that, although wasnt it before the last day? he said when he went back much later he found the pages clammed together by the dried up poo Chow ding

28th August 2003, 11:15 PM	#12 (permalink)
Mike - Indi Rev Moderator Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Dundee Posts: 1,635 Band: Indi Rev & Ladybirds Can Fly	it was the last day before the exams.

29th August 2003, 11:54 AM	#13 (permalink)
Richy Ritalin Registered User Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 43	Who the fuck says 'poo' that isn't under 7?

29th August 2003, 10:54 PM	#14 (permalink)
Laura* dancetotheradio Join Date: May 2003 Location: Dundee. Posts: 4,313	ovbiously you do