Eurovision 2004

Well, it was that time of year when we all tune in together to watch the (very rarely), good, bad and the ugly as Istanbul hosted this year's Eurovision song contest. We started with a performance from last year's winner, who looked a bit like a he-she in a dress, much like all of Turkey's entries from the last 10 years. Aye, and the song was crap. Anyways, we are then introduced to the presenters. This is the best part of the show- the woman on the left with a permenant grin on her face and wearing the ugliest dress which was inexplicably complimented by various countries when we came to collecting votes, and the guy on the right who had hilariously broken English (he was the French speaker) and had a gong. But we'll come back to that.

ON WITH THE SHOW! Now, i have a complex system of voting. Every year, i sit in with a few beers and watch the events unfold, letting each country start with 10. A point is then deducted for each pointless backing dancer, not singing in English, and any discretionary points that i wish to give or deduct (this year i only handed out one additional point, such was the drivel on show).

First up were Spain. This song was so Eurovision it was unbelievable. 4 pointless backing dancers, a dude with 2 snares and some cow bells and the frontman with the terrible fake tan. The song had one of those risable choruses which allows you to leave to go to the toilet if you really need. However, no such problem this early. I scored this 0/10, which tells you that we were going to be in for a long night.

Song 2- Austria. This was really appalling. A band who looked like Busted with a song more accustomed to Westlife. There were only 2 backing singers, but many points were deducted for unnecessary posturing. 3/10

Song 3- Norway. Em, Norway. A dude in a silver suit with a strange haircut which instantly lost a point. 5 pointless backing singers (PBS). Only a couple of points off minus PBS, but that was probably due to the bland nature of this song. 3/10

Song 4- France. Oh yes, this was great. Just before it started, Terry Wogan said to watch out for the 'bald woman on stilts'. My whole family were in stitches watching a woman who looked like a cross between Swan Lake and a seizure dancing. On stilts. The thing was that she served no purpose to the overall performance either- the lead singer was some guy who was about 4'10", which made him look even sillier. France also had possibly the largest entourage of PBS and additional musicians. However, the lady on stilts won a point back. I thought they would do much better. 5/10

Song 5- Serbia & Montenegro. Terry Wogan was shocked that this did so well, as am i, because i can hardly remember it. It was a dude with an acoustic guitar blasting out some average tune. Forgettable. 6/10

Song 6- Malta. You usually get a sensible entry from Malta, like a great singer with a piano or something. This year we got a couple reminiscent of Renee and Renata, the dude in particular has a huge nose and was extremely cheesy. A point was added on for the lady's bum, because it was lovely, but even that couldn't save this drivel. If this was held in Saudi Arabia, these 2 would have been executed immediately after this one. 5/10

Song 7- Netherlands. Bit of a Savage Garden feel here to be honest, having a guy with a guitar (with which he made a fantastic attempt to look like he knew how to play it) and a cheesier-than-thou vocalist. 3 PBS, but i really took a lot of points off at certain parts for the singing into the camera being so offensive. I don't know why they bothered. 2/10

Song 8- Germany. Interesting one from Germany this year. They had a lot of old guys sitting in a semi-circle playing guitars and drums (well, miming playing them over the backing tape) in a laid-back atmosphere. They were doing very well until they went up a key, the guy stood up of his stool and then proceeded to be unable to hit any notes for the rest of the song, which are all deductable offences. One of the better ones to watch. 6/10

Song 9- Albania. A wee bird from Albania that did pretty well actually. It was pretty bland, but save PBS and one point where she looked like a man, she actaully did pretty well. 5/10

Song 10- Ukraine. 100% Eurovision, which probably explains why it did so well, coupled with the fact they have more allies than anyone else. A bit of stomping about, a few 'Yeah!'s and a costume selection reminding us of Xena: Warrior Princess and the Flintstones, and the crowd lapped it up. It'll come as no surprise that i found it complete shite then. 3/10

Song 11- Croatia. Apparently this song had been number 1 in Croatia for weeks. God knows how. Plenty of PBS and an orchestra, coupled by an inability to sing live cost this nation dear. 4/10

Song 12- Bosnia & Herzegovina. This was possible my favourite of the night, for all the wrong reasons, i tell thee. Firstly, their singer was camper than a Scout jamboree- he did honestly strike you as a cross between a hairdresser and a Redcoat. Then he was made to dance with women as if he fancied them and even had to make gyrating movements with them! As Terry said, 'there's nothing like subtlety'. Very true Terry. Including the line 'up and down, here we go!' as they thrust, this was an excellent one for the half-time break. Obviously i had to mark it down though on the voting system. 2/10



I have to admit i ran out of beer, so went out to get some more and as a result missed a few, but we'll pick it back up at the next one i saw.

Song 18- Ireland. Westlife, Westlife, Westlife. It had everything- a dude singing the lead, 4 identical PBS, the slow verse leading to the massive, anthemic chorus, to the key change, to the getting off the stools. I hate the way we feel we should vote for them every year. Complete pish. 4/10

Song 19- Poland. This was possibly the worst all night. They were having 'fun', unlike the rest of us, and had an improbably large stage set-up, including a brass section that made the playing in Madness videos look realistic. 3/10

Song 20- UK. Our song was one of the best ones of the night, but it wasn't Eurovision enough to win as there was only one dude with an acoustic guitar, and no shite dancing. Points were only deducted for PBS. 6/10

Song 21- Cyprus. 16 year old girl from Birmingham sang this one, and i couldn't really mark it down because she was singing it on her own and she was accomponied by the backing tape only. She did well though- you could definately sell her to a UK market- just don't tell Pete Waterman. 10/10

Song 22- Turkey. This was a weird one. Dirty tattooed ska-punkers whose affinity with Turkey seems to go as far as a Doner kebab. Ska is shit. These guys were a bad ska band. You work it out. They were never going to retain the title with something so un-Eurovision. 6/10

Song 23- Romania. Rubbish, really really rubbish. Notable for a fay guy with red hair and a waistcoat though. 2/10

Song 24- Sweden. This woman's first idol was David Cassidy. If that isn't enough, her song was absolutely rank rotten and was therefore the perfect way to end Eurovision. She looked like a man and the song had hairy armpits. 1/10


For some reason, the voting was started by the scary presenter guy with a gong. Anyone who can explain that to me, please do.



Scary guy. Anyway, the 'Bloc' voting came to fruitation, with Serbia, Bosnia, Croatia, Albania, Greece, Turkey, Russia, Macedonia and Ukraine all voting for ecah other. Pretty ironic considering they've been blowing the crap out of each other for years. We got 29 points, as opposed to the 280 that the winners, Ukraine, managed to amass. However, given the political nature of the voting, i think that's 29 more than we expected. Well, that's it for another year. I really want to replace Terry Wogan when he retires.

Rosco